hold me in the light for i have sinned. it has been a super long time since my last confession. probably a year. or maybe more. maybe i have never really confessed. although i think i did when i was in the depths of Depression and it really sucked. in the interest of brevity i will only confess to my sins of the past week. three times have i neglected to take my morning medications twice have i done naught but stay abed in my pajamas reading idle fiction only day have i spent time beneath the sky i have had self-deprecating thoughts and entertained the idea that i am supposed to be perfect i did not attend quaker meeting four times i have withdrawn from post-dinner mayhem as children engage in yelliness i have been overly critical of myself and my children-- mostly as an extension of being critical of my failures as a parent what i am really stuck on is this whole perfectionism thing. intellectually i know that i am not meant to be perfect. and i don't want to be perfect. but there is definitely some kernel of me that expects that i will be externally perfect in some way. not physically perfect. but perfect in demeanor and action. or something. that doesn't sound quite right. i am okay making mistakes. pretty much i think. i am sort of mostly okay not doing things just right. i have trouble mostly when people besides me notice my failings out loud. because i figure if these failings are bad enough for them to mention, they must be truly problematic. perhaps i am having a reciprocal problem. i am fond of believing that i don't unleash criticism unless the behavior is extreme and speaking of it is warranted. so my assumption is that if someone speaks ill of my behavior, i must be beyond the pale. i must be offending people right and left and only this person had the courage to speak blunt truth to me. a friend today mentioned that she wonders if some people just don't "get me" because they are not used to someone who communicates directly. which is fantastic. because it means that i am unable to speak to people in my culture of origin. i guess that is what makes me an excellent teacher of students from all around the world. we can wonder at the ways of the crazy americans together. grateful crap: blogging which is working and i have to make sure that i am doing it more regularly and not missing medications. thankfully i have not missed any of the evening medications which are the ones that would be terribly problematic equatorial actions: took meds some of the days blogged some of the days exercised some of the days saw friends some of the days
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K. BuchananQuaker, teacher, parent, |