Yesterday I was energetic and full of positive mood and talkative and social with coworkers and strangers. I got 9 (nine!) hours of sleep. And I almost fell asleep during the morning session (even though I was really interested.) And now I am sitting as far away as possible from everyone, and I feel not energetic and not positive. I find myself dwelling on the fact that I am the only person from my place of employment at these meetings without a contract. They in no way treat me like an outsider. But I can do that very well by myself. I am not sure if I have saught this quiet refuge because I am overloaded on crowds and am taking a healthy brain break so I can restore my energy or if I am sulking in a corner because I am experiencing some clay-faced crap. Regardless, I will enjoy this time and hopefully use it to get back to at least a normal energy level and hopefully regain the ability to have a facial expression. I'm telling you this is better than botox. Ugh. Yesterday I was so excited about all the ideas I was getting and all the things I could do with them and ways that my current job and my career could go. Right now I am feeling somewhat despondent about the fact that I have interviewed twice (with some of the people here with me) and been passed over. Productive, neh? I knew that my 3.5 hours of sleep would catch up with me. And my increased energy levels would suck something out of me. This day-to-day shift is one of the things that originally caused me to reject any relationship between me and bipolar. Because the first things I read all indicated that manic or hypomanic episodes last a week. I have never (that I am aware of) maintained my frenetic energy for an entire week. But of course it is not that clear. Rapid cycling involves much shorter periods of mania and depression. So I might be a candidate for that. More speculation on my part. I should call and schedule. Just a sec... DONE. I have an appointment to see my Once and Future Psychologist on Friday sept 19 @ 12:30 Tangent: The Once and Future Psychologist
Once upon a time I was an angst-ridden teenager whose friends were worried about her. So her parents sent her to therapy. She figured that the best way to get out of therapy was to be very compliant. So she was. Until one day when she was angry that an appointment had been scheduled for the same day as a French exam. Then she decided that she would not participate. The therapist decided (out of the clear blue sky) that this beligerent teen was the "real" one and the compliant one was fake. She told my parents that I should be hospitalized. They decided to get a second opinion. The therapist said if they took me back to school (which I would insist upon) I should have someone keeping an eye on me to make sure I was not alone. Second opinion: she walked into the psychologist's office for a second opinion. "So, why are you here?" "Because they think I'm suicidal." "Are you suicidal?" "No!" "Okay. Well, we have some time to kill now. Anything else you'd like to talk about?" Okay, so it might not have gone quite that way. Or it might have. The angst-ridden teenager was fourteen. Two years later this same psychologist was doing intake for the outpatient eating disorders group. Angst-ridden teen showed up with her family. Psychologist recognized the parents, but said, "I didn't know you had another daughter..." Which was scary. The teen didn't think she looked any different than she had before. And now she works for a different clinic, doesn't just see children and adolescents, and is accepting new patients. Greatful Crap: follow-through on making an appointment Daily Convexions: got enough sleep (but I really can't rollercoaster like that betwen 3.5 one day and 9 the next) took meds talked with colleagues blogged hid in a corner with my computer typing and failing to mak So you know how the act of observing something changes the behavior? And now I am trtying to pay attention not just to Depressive episodes but this nebulous hypomanic crap as well. So all of this wondering about hypomanic behaviors may be causing some of them? Or not? I am definitely in the stages of overthinking things and later hopefully things will just calm down. Or something. Last night stayed up until 3:00 pm. Mostly puttering. And doing my fingernails with electric blue nailpolish. And my toenails. And then putting together a three-ring binder with all of the things I might want for my educational conference. And finding the perfect star-wars lego stickers to decorate the front... because otherwise it would be just a plain black folder and it would look like everyone else's. And beading. And then I was so wound up that even when I went to bed I couldn't sleep until I read for an hour. Surprisingly, I have been quite alert today. I have experienced this phenomenon before. Certain amounts of sleep are good. Other amounts are bad. I know that in college 5 hours was a TERRIBLE amount of sleep. I would feel hung over all day following that. But three hours seemed to be okay. Six hours bad. Seven hours okay. Reasonably I know that 3.5 hours is not good in any way. And I will likely pay for it tomorrow. But I am not dragging today. Maybe the key is getting out of bed in the morning. When I go to bed earlier (like the deadly 1:30 am (ooh... which would give me the dreaded 5 hours of sleep!) I have much trouble waking up and I lay around in bed untli 3yo forces the issue by saying in her nicest voice, "Can you please get me some food in the kitchen right now, mama?" Downloaded a daily mood charting thing. I will try to track mood, meds, sleep, and other crap. For today I am putting down 3.5 hours of sleep, took my meds, energy/mood level was probably +2. I recently read that they HAVE come up with a blood test for Depression. The punch line? They have not come up with a blood test for bipolar. And I have to say, I am getting more and more on the bandwagon with the "soft" bipolar thing. And since I have begun to think about energy levels as opposed to mood, it is much less of an issue for me. I don't freak out. I am not worried about missing the "highs." What I would miss are the flights of ideas. What I would not miss is the wildly fluctuating energy levels. Blah. Grateful Crap: Being functional today at education workshop Daily Convexions: took meds talked with colleagues drank enough water did not get anywhere near enough sleep. Did not post yesterday. And I had fallen so far behind at one point. I received some check-in text messages from concerned friend. No need for concern. Just sort of had a bit of a hypomanic slump. Slump: forgot to charge my phone got dates wrong for upcoming conference and screwed up childcare spent last 3 days being sweaty and gross in my pajamas all day Hypomanic: moved furniture. emptied aquarium. moved bookcase to where aquarium had been. then changed mind and moved piano over there. moved bookcase into children's room. brought grandma's buffet in from garage and sorted all art supplies into neat spaces. went through all old mail and opened it and/or destroyed it. moved shoe rack. discovered all shoes and placed them in said rack. moved dresser into children's room. moved small set of drawers to my room. redid clothing organizational system. did a bunch of prep for upcoming school year. had phone conferences with both of my co-teachers. sent email to 12 different student organizations to arrange for guest speakers. made my school website look pretty. fixed cd changer and placed it back in children's room. dusted games that had been stored under aquarium. washed rocks that had been in aquarium. took all books off all shelves and recategorized them. sorted through all clothing and gave a bunch to Goodwill and garbage. vacuumed floor several times (after each iteration of furniture moving). washed the wall behind space where aquarium used to be. dusted piano top. dusted picture frames. went through all files in file cabinet and redid organization with new folders. hung some stuff on the walls. went to Goodwill. This was not small and manageable chunks. In my defense, I did try to have a friend come over during some of this, but our schedules didn't work. And I couldn't see any way to separate any of these tasks. Once things move, everything has to move. And if you're moving you have to clean. And as your cleaning you should also eliminate excess. Which requires organization. Also I feel the pressure of the coming school year. I want things to be put-awayable. Things I did not do: call therapist. shower before 6:00 pm. Grateful Crap: 3yo: Mama, you and me can share that (box with unidentified contents). Forever and ever. Until we are both dead. Daily Convexions: took meds, but LATE in the day (like at dinner time) got a pill minder (pills just barely fit in each compartment talked with friend I did enlist help from children I have decided that the name I will give my special brand of Depression: Persistant Depressive Disorder with a side of Hoopla. And sometimes the hoopla is good (writing a novel, knitting a sweater, beading a necklace) and sometimes not so good (rearranging furniture endlessly, haunting Craigslist and collecting kitchen tables, throwing rocks against the shore for hours and hours every day of vacation...) I have never tracked the Hoopla before. Never tried to do anything about it. Never thought of it as a thing that could be controlled. Becuase quite frankly sometimes it doesn't feel like it can be controlled. However, in the interest of more steady energy... I will do the following things:
However, I have not been respoinsible to anyone but myself for my thoughts and behaviors. And I let myself off the hook for all the wrong things and hold myself responsible for ridiculous things. So, you might ask, how is the Hoopla? Well, I have been beading, but not to excess. I started a project on Friday and am not even half finished with it and it is not causing me any angst. I have been moving garden stuff, but not spending more than an hour or so lugging dirt and bricks. This is largely because it is so dang hot and/or humid that I cannot stand to do it for any longer. Fine. I will take what I can get. I have been avoiding to house declutter because I can't figure out how to not bite off more than I can chew if left to my own devices. Perhaps it is time to phone a friend on that one. Grateful Crap: 3yo: Mama, these red beads suck. (with a disgusted tone) me: Why? 3yo: (matter of fact) Because they aren't purple. Daily Convexions: took meds time outside bit of project but not too much blogged Celebrated our favorite fake family holiday today. My children get a budget to spend on each of their siblings. They pick presents. They make brownies. They pick a place to go and do something fun together. It is awesome. This year we went to a wave pool and spent the day in the sun after having food at an Indian buffet. Best to go swimming on a super-full stomach. Or so I have heard. Came home Super Tired. That's about it. Spent brief time on garden moving in the morning. Still not done. This counts as a good thing. Not pushing it. Grateful Crap: my kids Daily Convexions Time oustide time with family did not overtax myself with projects (forgot to take meds) Met with psychiatrist today. Not terribly impressed because it seemed like she had not done her homework and was just getting set to rope me into regular talk therapy, which was not my idea of what was happening. There were no further diagnostic tools. No questions. Nothing to determine my possible polarity. I had done my homework. Discovering that no one really knows what to call the messy not-quite-typical unipolar and not-quite-typical bipolar mushy part of the Depressive disorders and/or mood disorders and/or bipolar disorders. But that generally the following things are super-important: routine enough sleep exercise healthy diet oh... and ROUTINE Okay. Not major news there. These things are helpful to everyone. They might just be a little bit more important for people with off-kilter brain chemistry. I realize that I kind of freaked out when the specter of bipolar was first raised. And I have friends who have also freaked out. And insisted that the bipolar discriptions don't fit me at all. And that hypomania is something that is experienced by everyone. I don't think this is true. Hypomania (once again... because I also keep forgetting): These symptoms are seen over an extended period of time... typically days. Not serious enough to cause big trouble, but noticeable to people around you as substantially differing from your normal.
Also 3-4 of these should be present as well:
It is interesting to me that activity/energy is now seen as important as mood when looking at the bipolar categorization. I have certainly found that it is energy/activity and lack thereof that characterizes my cycling. However, coming down do it since I have no interest in medication to even out my energy/mood crap (except continuing with the antidepressants) at this time it makes little difference what we call whatever it is that I've got. Possible names: Persistant Depressive Disorder with Mixed Features Other Specified Bipolar Bipolar and Related Disorder Bipolar II (depending on how you read the new diagnostic tools in the DSM-5) Whatever we call it, I do have an interest in tracking the hypomanic episodes and trying to just kind of get myself to chill a bit. Not on the good things. But on the somewhat whack-a-doodle things that involve injuring myself and interfereing with my family, social or work life. Grateful Crap: Probably that I am not easily diagnoseable. It means I am not an extreme case of anything. Daily Convexions; took meds went to psychiatrist time in garden did not finish garden moving project Began to change the shape of the garden in anticipation of next year's planting season. Our growing season is ridiculously short here. It has been too cold and too hot. I have planted things in stupid places. I have moved things around. Some things in containers had no business being there. Other things might have done much better in containers. Harvested the potatoes. We got maybe a dozen good-sized yukon gold potatoes. Which is nice because I planted super late and the seed potatoes I got were so far past their prime that I didn't know if we would get any. Also dug up the beets, the sweet potatoes and the carrots. Rookie mistake: planting root vegetables in the most dense clay-like soil in the entire garden. So this left us with little deformed sweet potatoes and fairly non-existant beets and carrots. Replanted the beets. We'll see what happens. The potatoes supplied me with a lot of good dirt, which I used (or rather "am using") to expand part of the vegetable/perrenial "half-circle" garden in my front yard. In this learning year I figured out where the sun is. So now I know the best places to plant vegetables and whatnot. Very contemplative in relation to the big garden project because of the impending visit to psychiatrist to discuss bipolar tendencies. Made me wonder if the garden project was a good plan, a bad plan, my plan or the plan of my misfiring brain. Very confusing. Second guessing each decision, every action. A friend in the past likened therapy to someone throwing a rope toward a person who is already swimming to shore. Very dismissive. But if you can't make it to shore without the rope, that help makes all the difference. So even if it is a fair analogy it does not negate the helpfulness of psychiatry. Grack. Grateful Crap: small yard; minimizes how much garden moving I can get myself into Daily Convexions: took meds time outside The aquarium of shame (where I judge myself and my self-worth on how poorly I care for the fishtank) is being banished. I transported the only living member of the aquarium to friend's house today. Then proceeded to empty the water. Fine. Also decided to clean out fishbowl. Told elder boy to look up instructions for how to do so, but did not wait for him to find them before I went ahead and washed everything with dishsoap and rinsed it very well. I thought. Fish lived for less than an hour. Then started sort of floating on the bottom of the fishbowl with their heads in the bright-blue gravel and their tails pointed toward the sky. Which stressed out all the children, made me feel like crap, and left me with a bowl of dead guppies. Also, feel sick. Clammy/sweaty forhead. Bad stomachache. Is that really how you spell that? stomacheache? Ache in my abdomen. Gut ache. Talked with friend today. A little time in the garden. Meant to do a bunch of things I didn't do, but feeling faint and crappy so instead I will go rest. Grateful Crap: something Daily Convexions: took meds time outside time with friend blah. Sunday: First day home from vacation. Took it easy. I think. Some puttering in the garden. Prided myself in tackling a small, doable tidying task and not letting it blow out of proportion. I decluttered one bookcase. Rid it of much stuff. My new method (to my madness) is to declutter and get stuff OUT before I evaluate storage needs and move furniture. And to do this slowly. It was not aerobic cleaning. I was not inclined to injure myself. I was able to stop. Monday: I let the decluttering move into the children's room. Once again managed NOT to move a bunch of furniture. I did sort through years and years of artwork (mixed with a bunch of crap) and chose things of archival quality and type. Labeled them with names and dates... or at least years. Secretly threw away puzzles with pieces missing, broken toys from fast food restaurants, unidentified blobs of clay, wads of paper, used band-aids, disintigrating fall leaves from seven or more seasons past... Hung out with neighbor... filled a water play table with soap suds and attracted half the neighborhood to play. It was kind of awesome. Then we kicked them out, cleaned up and had dinner together. Tuesday: Spent morning with a friend helping sort out a sewing/costume nightmare dealing with acetate, gold braid and an unfortunate use of a hot glue-gun. Picked up a beading project that will be good for the futzy "OCD" side of my personality... or my illness. Who knows. Who can say. Afternoon: decluttered somewhat agressively and sorted through all bookshelves in living room. Friend came over for tea. Evening: stayed up too late making baby dill pickles. But they are awesome. Grateful Crap: awesome neighbors Daily Convexions: took meds (even refilled them succesfully) saw friends time with family decluttered reasonably(ish) I was trying to think of a good word for the opposite of resilient. When my Depression is kinda crappy, my moods can be brittle. When I get sad about something, I don't snap back from it very well. Even if I know that there is no real reason to be sad. So when there was an episode of yelliness yesterday I just sort of stayed at a low. (And once again, I was one of the perpetrators of yelliness, so I am not an innocent bystander in this.) Even today, really. Still low. Not sad. Just not not-sad. Grey. Still grey. Why did the Depression take a dip? Don't know. Don't think it means that the meds are off. Or that I'm on the wrong ones or that they aren't having a therapeutic effect. Not so much a dip into Depression. More just this brittle lack of bounce-back from crappy emotions. I think the brittle is probably something that would respond well to talk therapy, which I have not included as part of my treatment plan for a LOOOONG time. (However, I just found out that the only therapist that I ever liked no longer sees only adolsescents. She now also sees adults for women's mental health, anxiety disorders and depressive disorders. And she is taking new patients. Woot! So if the psychiatrist person recomends Cognitive Behavioral Therapy as part of my treatment plan, I have somewhere to go.) I'm going to blame the Depression Dip on stress, the unkown of a new possible diagnosis, vacation stuff (just got back from a week away). ...and my garden died a bit without regular watering. We didn't get the rain we hoped for. Hopefully it will come back a bit. Grateful Crap: home Daily Convexions: took meds (but not until this evening. forgot pill minder on vacation...) 150mg venlafaxine, 450mg bupropion |
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K. BuchananQuaker, teacher, parent, |