Always there is the struggle of how much to reveal and how much to conceal. How much of my story is mine and how much belongs to other people.
I am uneasy sharing tales that contain other people. But if i only share my own tales, devoid of interactions, the blog will become a solipsist's rant. If I overshare it will be a gossip column where people try to figure out who it is that I have loosely concealed in these lines. I need to write while constantly holding in mind the spirit of this blog: keeping me honest in my continuing "recovery" (which pisses me off because there really isn't recovery from something that is chronic and progressive) AND fighting stigma associated with mental illness. I used to be fearless. I used to throw my truth on the page in a brash and uncaring fashion. I worshipped at the altar of honesty and plain speech at the expense of cautiousness and reason. Now I find myself... not prevaricating, but writing in such a roundabout fashion that it feels false. And yet what options are available to me? What I write is deeply personal. It is about how I intersect with other humans to varying degrees. How I react with my own crappy mental illness. The ups and the UPS and the downs and the DOWNS. And now I have new friends... new friends who have not known me for years and are now finding me on FB. Friends who are at present friendly acquaintances. People I work with. People I like. They mean use FB as a casual way to connect with me... but I post updates to my blog on my FB page. Which, if they choose to read it, goes beyond the casual connection they may be seeking. I am not closeted at work, but it doesn't mean I necessarily want everyone to be reading about my mental health crap. Oh! I see! You don't want everyone reading about your mental health crap and so you publish a 100% public blog. That makes total sense. You are being very internally consistent right now. What a reliable narrator. I feel like I need to put a disclaimer on every page: dear new friend, this is not about you. dear new friend, you do not need to read this if you don't want to. dear new friend, I am probably not as social as you think I am dear new friend, I often to not read what people write in their feeds. dear new friend, sometimes my only interaction with FB is to post these updates dear new friend, I will not try to communicate secret messages to you from within this blog. dear new friend, this is not about you. dear new friend... it is about me. Comments are closed.
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K. BuchananQuaker, teacher, parent, |