I was looking at camera lenses today. I found out that the old SLR lenses change when you put them on a digital SLR because they have a different image sensor size. (I may not be using correct photographic terms.) So what may be a wide angle lens on my old camera has a much narrower field of view on my new/old camera.
This fit really well with an image I have been having lately: a metaphor for Depression as the shrinking field of view. A narrowing of vision.
When things are going well I do great at the big picture. I can juggle lots of ideas in my head and see how they all fit together.
When things are going less well, there is a narrowing of attention. I lose the periphery. At first this is hardly noticeable. I don't see my friends so often as I used to. I miss going to meeting more often. I find excuses not to go out. I take longer to return phone calls.
Then the field of view becomes so narrow that it only encompasses what is right in front of me. I don't charge my phone or log in to my email account. I only talk to my immediate family.
I can drive, but I forget where I am going. I know vaguely what needs to be done, but I can't do it. I have difficulty holding on to my thoughts. They become slippery.
I am afraid that if I go for a walk I will stand too long at a corner wondering where I am going and people will stop to stare and point. Or maybe they will pull over and try to give me some coins or a bus card. I realize the relationship between me and the many homeless people with untreated mental illness.
The big picture is gone. I am left with a tiny point of light surrounded by darkness.
I feel like I fell down on the job a little today. Didn't do much but pop pills. The heat defeated me. I drove in the hottest part of the day, then sucked down a litre of water and collapsed into comatose sleep.
I was having a lot of trouble focusing on tasks I was attempting, but I am pretty sure it was just the heat and not Depression or a reaction to the meds. I have not noticed any negative side-effects on the new medication. I haven't noticed any changes yet, but it's only day 2.
Also, I stayed up way too late last night.
Quaker, teacher, parent,