I am spiraling out a bit because formal observations are coming up at work. Which is not unexpected. I have been observed before. Every year that I have taught, more or less.
And with the exception of the years that I was working under an intermittently abusive principal I received positive reviews. Even her negative reviews were not terribly personal - I was berated for having a playground ball in a box in the corner of my room. (It was someone else's box, someone else's ball and someone else's room!) I don't need someone to tell me all the things that I did wrong, all the things that didn't work. All the plans that went awry, the students who were not engaged, the parts of the lesson that fell flat. Because I know. I am haunted by these things. The fact that something I did or did not do was a colossal failure that was out there in the world and I could never call it back... it's what sent me home crying every night after school for my first two weeks as a new teacher. My last boss was very good at focusing on the positive and then adding some really cool suggestion that would make some project even better. A different way of looking at the same thing. But not having a checklist of "You should do this. You should not do this. You did not demonstrate these four items of the rubric..." I think I am a little weirded out at the idea of being observed according to a rubric. It puts all the points in little boxes. And I don't like feeling boxed in. Not that the way I teach is so out of the box, so different from how anyone else teachers. Because it is not. But I want there to be a more individual and less... flat, less objective. Unless, of course, the person observing me is not good at observing and doesn't like me and is capricious and horrible. The people who are observing me are not capricious and horrible so far as I know. But I am a little bit afraid that I might vomit during the course of the observation. Not while they are observing, but in the debrief. Spouse says that I should have a way of thinking about this so that I don't freak out when things don't go perfectly. That my goal should not be perfection since that is not going to happen. There should be some other goal. Like trying something new and getting feedback on it. At this point I think my goal should be lack of vomit. That might be setting the bar a bit low, though. Spouse suggested I figure out what I would like to get out of the observation. And I thought, "That is what I want: to get out of the observation!" My mentor teacher plans to do a mock observation with me ahead of time so I have some idea of what to expect. Other teachers have told me not to worry too much about the observation. Including one teacher who is in the room while I am teaching, so presumably would have some idea if I should be worried. worry worry worry worry worry worry worry worry worry worry worry worry worry worry worry worry worry worry They say that there is a strong co-morbidity between bipolar and anxiety disorders but I don't believe that. worry worry worry worry worry worry worry worry worry worry worry worry worry worry worry worry worry worry Grateful Crap: two days at home and I seem to be recovered knock wood Equatorial Actions: meds sleep rest more sleep more rest Comments are closed.
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K. BuchananQuaker, teacher, parent, |