Today I felt ENERGY for the first time in what seems like years. I worked up a sweat and got that good tired-- that endorphin boost from exertion. I have not felt that in a long while.
Typically I have felt EXHAUSTION. With all caps. Fatigue. Mild effort (doing a load of laundry) followed by swift collapse. Ridiculous. But true.
And one more reason why Depression can feel like a character flaw. Everyday activities become so exhaustively difficult.
I think that I should be up to speed by now since I have identified the problem. I have a hard time being kind to myself. It feels like making excuses for bad behavior. Laziness. Slovenliness.
Spoke with a neighbor today who is going through some situational depression and life stress and facing a lot of similar challenges. We are going to make an effort to support one another-- set goals and check in.
My goal for the evening: laundry room garbage and recycling. If I can get a baseline of non-disgustingness going in the basement I will be much more inclined to accept help. And I really do need help. Because getting better is hard and having not been well for a long time had a profound impact on my home and my family. I need allies. And I suck at asking for them. Stupid Scandinavian work ethic.
Also: learned that bupropion can cause dehydration especially at the onset. So doubly and triply important for me to get more water. Exerting myself more, hotter weather, new medication and my disinclination to consume beverages. All these things make it easy to slip into water deficit.
I feel hopeful today. The return of normal energy was the first thing I noticed when I first went on medication and my Depression was properly controlled. I remember wondering what normal people found to do with all this extra energy. I was used to having to spend every ounce of my physical reserves just to remain upright for eight hours. There was nothing left.
Quaker, teacher, parent,