I have been stuck in a bit of a bead spiral. Which I acknowledge is a not unhealthy way of dealing with anxiety. But it is not that great either if I am--ostrichlike--burying my head in dunes of seed beads.
Not terribly worried about anything in particular.
Not sure that this could be described as any kind of mood episode. It isn't as if I'm stuck for days at a time in one mood state. Wobbly. Crabby/irritable/sad/anxious/speedy/slow. Tippy.
Not very capable of dealing in any sort of helpful way with Other People's Crap.
Leaving for school in the morning and coming home in the afternoon are two of the most stressful times of the day-- trying to squeeze three children through the same small door at the same time. So, cleverly, on the way home yesterday I tried to have a conversation about how we could better handle the problem.
Instead of solving the problem, it started the entire screaming, whining, stomping feet and tantrum throwing before we even reached the house.
So instead of turning in to our driveway I just kept driving. Until everyone had stopped screaming. Only when we got home, two people went inside, one person waited until the traffic jam had abated and one person stood crying in great juddering sobs (causing me to roll my eyes unsympathetically before opening the door to let them in)
Perhaps I should just wait outside until everyone else has had a chance to go in and scream at one another for hanging up their coat the wrong way or taking off their boots too noisily or going in first or going in last or opening the door to wide or closing the door too fast or looking at me funny.
I could sit in the car and listen to National Public Radio. Or blast an Over the Rhine album and sing at the top of my lungs while Rome burns.
Lately elder boy has been apologizing for everything. Not telling people that he is sorry for things that he has done right then, but feeling guilty for EVERYTHING later on and taking the blame for the entire climate. Which is not right or fair.
But probably fed by the fact that he is often accused of being the instigator of crap. Whenever he is bored. He looks for ways to irritate people. I guess I am glad that he realizes that he is contributing to the stress. But I don't want him to just fall into self recriminations of being terrible. I just want him to realize in the moment-- or before the moment-- that his actions are having the opposite reaction of what he is hoping for.
Wouldn't it be magical if I could realize this too?
Dang it is cold here. I chose to sit by an outside wall at a coffee shop and great waves of cold are washing over me. I don't think the walls are insulated. Or not well. It is an old building. They used to insulate with old shredded newspaper or horse hair or ladies's corsets or whatever was lying around at the end of the construction. Presumably this is true.
I am trying to break up periods of beading with periods of writing. It uses different muscles and different brain cells. I have set up a twitter account and a Facebook page and an Etsy site for my beadwork in addition to my gallery page.
And I think once they are all really set up it won't be difficult to keep them all current and coordinated.
But I would really like to get back to my fiction writing. It takes me out of my head in a different way and I think makes it easier for me to get back into my head in a good way. Because writing semi-trashy regency romance is a very amusing thing to do and is not at all depressing or stressful or anxious. And I am not worried about my characters.
I have pretty much talked myself into writing. After I move. Sheesh, my hands are freezing up and my super-fast touch typing is becoming sluggish and inaccurate. Blarg.
Grateful Crap: connect 4 with preschool child. I will remember that playing games with children is a good plan. I should rotate between the three of them. connect 4, backgammon, and rummy 500 perhaps.
at gym most weekdays (not today-- sinus/earache crap)
meds meds meds
I called and left a message to schedule an appointment with OFP... maybe I will call them back to actually make the appointment. They really should have after-hours scheduling or online. It is always outside business hours when I want to call.
Quaker, teacher, parent,