I can probably comb through my archives and find that any particular month is a bad month for me. But I am partial to April at the moment. Partial to believing that when I say that spring is a hard time for me I am talking about April. Something about daylight savings time maybe? Increase in the light? Don't know.
I feel like I am losing time a bit. And like maybe I am having a harder time shaking the Sad than I first expected...
It's really hard to find any information on whether people being treated for clinical Depression hang on to Sad mood. Because mood and sad and depressed are all tangled together. And most searches I do just help differentiate between sadness and Depression.
But there's a more complex layer. Because moods don't just disappear. There are ups and downs whether you are being treated or not. And Depressed does not mean crying non-stop for 24 hours per day. Sometimes it doesn't even feel Sad. Just Empty.
...I just sort of spiraled slowly downward into a small puddle of blah. Not sure there is any particular reason.
I wrote in the morning for an hour or two. And when I came home, I set about beading, which I typically don't do in the middle of the day. But it was all I felt able to do at the minute.
Then there was a meeting at work, which was a fine meeting. But I left feeling like I should be accomplishing some sort of super-human over-arching amazing culmination to the year for my team. And I don't think that is actually called for.
But the downward mood wasn't due to that either.
Honestly I could not pinpoint any particular cause. Just a bit blah. Perhaps it is just a bit blah sort of day for me. These happen. It was a lovely day outside. I was not coughing up a lung. But by the end of the day (which is now) I can tell that my face is in its "negative neutral" position.
When I am doing pretty much mostly okay, my face has a positive neutral expression. I appear cheerful and friendly. When I am doing a bit less okay, my face has a sort of mean "back off" sort of a look. The muscles can't be bothered to pull my face into any kind of expression. Things are just sort of blank.
I feel clayfaced and disconnected. When Spouse woke up before I did, I felt like I had to stay in bed and be sad for an hour before I got up. Which I did not do, but only because i texted him about this ridiculous plan.
I am on spring break, which is probably not the cause of my disconnect. Stupid stuff makes me cry. I don't have sympathy for real people, but I have a great deal of empathy for imaginary people. Songs. Even songs that aren't all that sad.
More odd feeling than sad feeling. I don't want this to be the start of some stupid apathy mood state. Because that is kind of my least favorite. No, I don't really like any of them. Not the deep depression. Not the frenetic hypomania. Not the apathetic blah.
I prefer when my mood episodes absent themselves and I can just be me.
Quaker, teacher, parent,