Stayed home. All day. Slept and hid in my room with the covers over my head. Alternated fever and chills. Then spent a lot of time having the shakes. It felt like I hadn't eaten in weeks. Or like I had just given blood a little too quickly.
And the more I stayed home and inside and not dealing with anything, the more I wanted things to stay that way. Long term. Pulling into a shell. Hermitting.
Told my family that I had a brilliant plan: if I have to sleep for 1/3 of my life, I wil stay awake for Spring, Summer and Fall and just sleep through the Winter.
Eldest boy pointed out that Winter is not 1/3 of the year. There were two good rebuttals to this:
1. I don't get enough sleep.
2. Here in Minnesota, Winter fer dang sure is 1/3 of the year.
I used to think that there was not a seasonal component to my Depression. Do you know why I thought that? Becuase my Depression symptoms were bad enough every winter to suppress my memories of them. And I wasn't writing so there was no record.
It has been much more difficult to keep up with the daily writing this winter. Many times where I am forced to catch up on nearly a week's worth of posts.
I think that in addition to the lack of sunlight and whatever that does for brain chemistry, the lack of connections to other people is quite detrimental. And the inclincaiton to hibernate removes me from sun and people both. Stupid vicious cycle.
I can't remember why some anecdotal or possibly scientific something said that there must be some sort of developmental advantage to Depression. It does not feel very advantageous right now.
Again, no worries. No imminent anything. No self-harm. No suicidal ideation. Just a desire to go into a cave and wrap my covers around me so it is only dark and soft and quiet. Which, in a family of five living in a
I like turtles. This is sort of mostly a nonsequitir.
The whole Aesop thing about slow and steady wins the race.
A Lewis Carrol quote (probably): The hurrier I go, the behinder I get.
I like turtles. Especially the aquatic ones... western painteds and green sea turtles. Or the big, ponderous Tortoises that Darwin found on his travels.
I like turtles, but I am jumpy. Not slow and steady. Not even. I am hurry. I easily startle. I inherited (or aquired) an irritating off/on switch. Either I am Doing Things or I am Not.
And just now I have perhaps longer periods of Not Doing Things than I would like. (Not returning phone calls. Not planning things. Not bringing in medication from the car. Not scheduling dental appointment. Not FINISHING things...)
When people train for marathons they don't just get up one day and say, "I think I'll go out and run for a few hours." They work up to it. There is some kind of a schedule. Steady. A training map.
I have as much interest in running a marathon, by the way, as I do in climbing Everest. Which is none. I can appreciate the effort involved in these Herculean (what is the female equivalent?) tasks, but I don't find it appealing in the slightest. I don't think either of these endeavors would be a good fit for my attempts at moderation.
I feel like I don't have a map and whatever it is I am training to do is too impossibly compicated. So I start and stop and speed up and hit a bump in the road and then just sit there wishing that roadside assistance would come along and get me jump started. Or perhaps supply me with an entirely different vehicle.
Grateful Crap: Having a close friend who lives close and enjoys tea and chocolate
FINALLY brought meds in from the car and took them (albeit somewhat late)
I did NOT do most of the things that I said I would do yesterday; I would like to do some Superbetter I think. Remind myself of what options I have available to me in terms of the Ass-Kicking Toolbox. Depression Sucks. I dread the adolescence of my children. I figure nature and nurture are both going to kick them in the teeth. Crap.
Bad attitude. At least at the moment. I should probably know better than to post in the morning before I have done much or talked to anyone or whatever. But I don't know that waiting until the end of the day when it is technically too late for me to be posting.
We were supposed to do part of family birthdays for two of my children today. But I am not the only one who is underweather.
I have realized that part of my stress around the areas of birthdays is because they must be celebrated so many, many times. I am blessed with many relatives in town.
But there are too many awkward combinations to have one family party. Too many dissolved marriages and the like. And even if that were not the case, getting everyone together would likely be Too Many People for me.
Then there is the guilt. And the flocks-- no the swarms-- of rampaging shouldas.
I shoulda done this sooner. I shoulda invited ________ instead of __________. I shoulda planned this better. I shoulda figured out a way to make this work for everyone. I shoulda outsourced the planning of this. I shoulda realized that this just isn't that big a deal. I shoulda thought twice about becoming a parent if minor things like birthday celebrations will throw me into a tailspin.
It is much easier to hide. And become ill. I am convinced that the fever is a defense mechanism. I am pretty sure I got sick around the same time last year.
Grateful Crap: the thought of escaping to a friend's house for tea
will go get meds out of the car
will get dressed and take care of basic grooming tasks
will NOT touch the Dell laptop
Slept most of the day. Then "slept" the rest of the day. Hiding in my room. Not feeling well. One way or the other. Some mild fever. Some extreme exhaustion (my own dang fault). Some unwillingness to deal with very exuberant children running around the house.
It felt like a bit of a squall. A Depression hiccup. A desire to not do anything or see anyone or talk to anyone or do anything. Ever. That was yesterday, so clearly I decided to do something again.
Took bupropion this morning. After two days of not taking it. I will need to go back and do an inventory of what the days are like when I don't take that. One day off the sertraline won't have the same effect.
(Youngest child just handed me my empty pill minder. The universe speaks.)
Grateful Crap: When I eventually did get up to eat and speak with my family I managed to successfully go to bed before midnight.
took some time out (which done on occasion counts for me; done in excess counts against me)
Did not post. Don't know why. Ummm... I took the kids to piano. And then I came home and I think I felt sick and went to bed. But I can't remember. Something like that maybe.
Or else I spent all day obsessing over how to install linux on an old Dell Latitude 505 and could get everything working EXCEPT for the wireless because I am working with a B4306 Broadcom wireless chip that doesn't play nice with any of the linux distros I have found.
One of those things.
Then I do know that I stayed up until the fourth hour-versary of 12:30. Also known as two hours before my children wake up. This was a tactical error. I started downloading something that told me outright it would take 2 hours. So I decided that I would stay up just until it finished. Or until I managed to install it. Or until it worked.
Instead after 2 hours it beeped at me and said that the operation could not be completed because it had timed out. So had I. Crap.
Did not take meds because they were still in my gym bag in the car.
Grateful Crap: something. Pretty snow.
don't have time to write. but I want to remember to write about the trees on summit avenue and how they twist toward sunlight, avoiding obstacles that are no longer there.
had dinner with family.
still working on my "fun" problem.
i like fixing things. i am irritated at the idea of not being able to fix something. this is one crappy thing about Depression. It is not so fixable. just treatable.
felt kinda floaty and weird today. forgot to take bupropion in the morning. yesterday i brought my meds with me to the Y because i didn't have time to take them in the morning. a bit foggy. my car keys kept diappearing and reappearing. only not really. I just didn't remember that i found them.
and this morning I was somehow simultaneously really smiley and really distant. like there was a layer of happiness floating on a sea of blah.
grateful crap: something good
delinquent because i was busy carousing with spicy szechuan takeout and local meade. birthday stuff. and before that I slept much sooner and much longer than I thought i would.
trying to solve a computer problem "for fun" and it is kind of kicking my ass.
i know nothing about linux and next-to-nothing about pcs so of course I am trying to install linux on an old pc. if it works it will be useful for me.
greatful crap: good szechuan takeout.
Daily Convexions: 40 minutes on elliptical trainer
very little else, actually
relaxed and enjoyed day
note: need to get back off caffeine. routinely staying up later than I should
MY STUDENT PASSED ALL FIVE OF HER GED EXAMS!!!!!!!
Super excited about this.
Tonight and last night sometimes I got sucked into a computer puzzle. I really want to solve it. It is the kind of busy brain thing that I think is good for me.
It is also frustrating.
It is too late to write more so I am gonna wrap up.
MY STUDENT PASSED ALL FIVE OF HER GED EXAMS!!!!!!
(now I feel no guilt whatsoever at forcing her to take the tests before 2014)
Grateful Crap: Doing dishes with eldest boy with green tea and dried mangos for a nighttime snack afterwords. "Tea is very important. We should do this every day."
meds in the morning
time with a friend
really good Thai food
great conversation with son (made up for previous crappy day)
There was much wailing and Gnashing of the teeth. It was not good. Really not good. There was much yelliness. And crying and shouting. It ate up my energy for any kind of posting this day. Also, I fell asleep and dropped a book on my face. Then I am not sure what I did else.
I keep putting things off that I don't want to deal with. As if this makes them any easier or better or makes them go away. Perfectionism and Procrastination are married. Or at least they share an address and file joing taxes.
Oh, I remember I stayed up super late trying to get everything just right. And I mean Just Right for my class. I wanted papers that I was going to hand out in chronological order in color-coded folders in a three-ring binder. I wanted a system that would flawlessly keep me on track in spite of any distractions or stress reactions.
I heard someone describe Depression as an allergy to cortisol. Which was an interesting way to think about it. Everyone is exposed to coritsol and for some reason the Depressed brain does not cope with it very well. It overreacts. It freaks out. It tells you all kinds of lies.
Grateful Crap: that I am writing this post with the benefit of hindsight and I know the next day was much much much much better.
took meds but not until the afternoon. This is often telling. I mean, I seem to notice a correlation between late meds and less good reactions to crappy stuff that happens. I did a bit of hiding under the covers when I was stressed out.
There were a predictable number of mix-ups for the first day. A few attachments fell off the emails I sent in transit. (Really. I attached them, but when they arrived there was nothing attached.)
I had to run in and out two times in order to make all the copies I needed to and even then copied one thing twice and another thing not at all.
I stressed about the fact that I cannot stand to plan or hold children's birhday parties. It causes me immense amounts of angst.
LONG TANGENTI don't quite get this. I like children. I even like groups of children. But birthday parties for some reason are not my thing. If I could convince my children that it was against our religion to celebrate birthdays with people outside of our family I would be very happy. I have to unhermit myself too much. I need to interact with other people's parents. Then there are all kinds of details and finding a place or cleaning my place. And the whole thing just sounds almost as complicated as throwing a wedding. With a much much much much much smaller budget. And a smaller cake.
I have 3 parties to plan in rapid succession. November and December birthdays have not yet been celebrated with anything but presents from family members and a nice birthday dinner. January birthday is coming up.
I think a big part of my stressout may be due to perceived expectations of other parents and other children. Some kids at the sons' school have large elaborate parties at really cool places. They invite the whole class or nearly the whole class. The parents come too and hang out talking to one another. I don't go. But I have to go if I am the one whose child is the celebrant.
And here is the thing: I don't want to invide the whole class and throw an elaborate party that wows everyone. But I succomb to that keeping up with the Joneses feeling.
The other part of the thing is guilt over the fact that I haven't planned things already. And neither has anyone else. And I feel like if I don't take care of EVERYTHING, nothing will happen. Eldest son pointed out that this is not true and that I need to stop thinking that I am the only one who can do things.
The large part of the day I felt pretty good. I was prepared for the day. I didn't scramble for things (other than the copying debacle) and I felt competent and normal. Good normal. It feels like my levels of medications are appropriate and working and I have been very good about taking them regularly at the same time each day (roughly).
While driving to school listening to the lack of general yelliness from the rear of the vehicle I felt very satisfied. I feel like my mental health may be contagious. I hope so. Because my offspring are definitely exhibiting signs of perfectionism, anxiety and all or nothing thinking. Extremes. Everything is awesome. Everything sucks. Nothing in between. I dread adolescence.
Grateful Crap: normal days where mostly good things outnumber bad things in an ordinary way
Tried really hard not to ascribe feelings to other people based on no evidence whatsoever.
took meds in the morning
taught first day of class. (now a little bit jumping off the walls with excess excited energy)
Quaker, teacher, parent,