I didn't go to meeting because I couldn't figure out what to do about the fact that my middle child was going to be the only one in his class. This seems like a minor, non-problem. And it really is. But I found myself spinning out on it, so I flaked on meeting and spent time doing the following things instead:
I could feel myself getting a little too wound up when I was running around looking for things and counting legos (!) but the folding laundry was nice because I just sat there watching a movie that no one else would like and creating giant piles of clean clothes.
Felt inexplicably sad as the night grew late and I went to bed. But I did make myself go to sleep. And the sad didn't last to morning.
Grateful Crap: progress toward fewer and fewer extraneous things in my house.
Daily Convexions: took meds, aerobic cleaning, decluttering, time alone, time with a friend
I don't remember what went on this day. Oh yeah. I went out to my mom's house and ate pie to celebrate (belatedly) pie day.
Then I raced home to get to game night with eldest son at my friend's house. So I get brownie points (which I would love to exchange for actual brownies) for walking into a social situation with an unidentified number of people. And some of them I had not met before. Or had not seen for years.
I did not break out in hives. I did not send anyone running. I didn't stay long and I don't think I can do this twice a month. There were good things about it. It was fun to play Apples to Apples. And I liked everyone at the gathering, don't get me wrong. But maybe just for right now-- feeling fragile-- I want smaller groups of people. Even if they are people I really like.
After a while I just started to feel sad. For no reason. Or detached. And it was my own dang fault. I don't want to make it sound like I was excluded in any way. This is all internal.
Grateful Crap: I finished a sweater for the daughter. Pictures to folllow
Daily convexions: took meds, socialized, spent time with eldest son, saw family (all this may have put my socializing on overload trying to do ll this on one day. Very little time to unwind. I don't know.)
BLARG. I wrote this whole fricken' post and it disappeared because a plugin was not working in chrome. Here is the upshot: cleaned a lot, bought groceries, spent time with a friend, talked with family.
I have very little patience with rewriting this.
Especially since it was nothing all that revolutionary. I want less stuff in my house and in my life. It just clutters things. I am getting closer to having a place to put everything instead of needing to maintain a rotation of things on the floor that have no home...
I engaged in very aerobic cleaining this morning and this afternoon with a lovely nap with daughter sandwiched between. My obsessive, hyperfocused cleaning is not sustainable. For one thing, eventually I will have to go back to work (next week) and not be able to devote hours at a time. Also, I have to do other things.
Ummm... I also think I am using the busycleaning to avoid having the sad creep up on me. And it seems to be working. Also, I have a lot to show for my manic organization and demolition project. I do need to borrow my brother's truck to really get a lot of stuff OUT of the house. I have a bunch of things that I would like to take to the dump. Right now. But I doubt they are open at 9:45 on a Friday night. Slackers.
Grateful Crap: not spending 6 hours on the Costco run tonight; fresh produce in the house
talked to friend
I have forgotten how to take pictures with my camera. I did not remember how to change the aperture when I had the manual lens on. I could not figure out how to upload most of the pictures once I took them.
So, although I took a fair number of pictures today, the only "new" pictures I managed to get off my camera were from January. So although I did see plants and green things and living creatures, I will have to settle for an image from the coldest season.
I have been all talk and no action on the activity thing. Partly because it is my children's spring break and my whole schedule is up in the air and odd. Partly because the whole sad thing has really caused a downturn in the efficacy of my Depression treatment. So I am more whiny, more hermitlike and more inclined to not want to do anything.
Here is what I need to do: enlist friends to walk with me. Outside or inside or whatever. I need to schedule this. And this way I can double-dip and get friend points while getting exercise points.
The healthy food thing I think I will tackle with my family. Sit down and plan meals and make a good list.
A random (is there any other kind) tangent: I am playing with Grand Symphonic Winds in a concert next Friday. Local folks, you can check out the wildwood artist series (tickets are $20 for grown-ups and $15 for grown-ups who have been around for at least 62 years. $12 for students)
Grateful Crap: three year old who was temporarily separated from us inside Como Conservatory was found moments later wandering around with a map in her hands saying, "I'm trying to find where you are on this nap."
left the house
took meds (last night and tonight) - 150mg sertraline, 450mg bupropion
Tomorrow I am going to get out of here. Out of the house. And I will go somewhere with my camera and I will take pictures. Maybe I will go somewhere like the Como Conservatory so that I can see growing things and walk around without a jacket.
I will NOT spend the day holed up at home, hiding under the covers and/or obsessively rearranging and decluttering each room that I enter. I will not have my children watch movies for five hours rather than interacting with them. I will walk somewhere. I may get a new book or buy a particularly tasty tea.
I believe that I may have been suffering from an imaginary headache today. I am not convinced it was a real headache, but it sure almost felt like one. Or maybe it was fear of a headache that drove me to stay in a dark room with a hot compress over my eyes and a heavy velvet comforter over my head.
Maybe it was just part 2 of the crying hangover. Perhaps some day I should drink enough to develop a real hangover so I have some kind of base for evaluating if the crying thing is similar. I definitely feel dehydrated, which I have heard is part of the problem. However, just can't see myself going that route. Because what if I like it. And me not doing things by halves. I have no desire to be a recovering anorexic, someone actively engaged in kicking Depression's ass AND a recovering alcoholic.
Enough is enough.
I was sad a lot of times today. I think maybe the imaginary headache and the hiding under the covers and the hours of mindless viewing for my children was an attempt to hide from the sad or avoid it. But I don't know. Not feeling very smart about myself at the moment.
Grateful Crap: Mi familia
took meds (both last night and already tonight)
cleaned out the filter on my air purifier (which should help with breathing at night)
Went to a called meeting for worship with attention to end-of-life issues. My friend who is smarter about these kinds of things than I am-- or maybe who just knows me better than I know myself-- suggested that it might not be such a great plan for me to go.
The jury is still out on this, but I do not personally feel any better or more clear or whatnot.
I think it was probably good for me in the way that having your uterus massaged after you give birth is good for you. Not pleasant, but it serves some useful purpose. Some things that came from the silence spoke to me and some did not. And it was good to see people speaking their very different views on this difficult subject.
But really, it just made me feel sad.
Here is the problem with being sad when I am not horribly Depressed: I feel sad. And it sucks. Numb is so much easier.
Actually I find that I am just teetering between sad and mad and I don't even really know what I am sad about. Or who I am mad at. And I don't really want to rehash this so if you want to know more, go read a few posts back.
I can NOT go into a second careers as a hospice worker. Rage and uncontrollable crying jags are probably not what the families need. And that is likely what they would get from me. Unless I had just met them and had no emotional connection to them whatsoever. Then I could be helpful. Maybe. Death just really pisses me off.
Experiencing a crying hangover now. Must go indulge briefly in some comfort foods.
Grateful Crap: Friends-- even when they piss me off. Because I would rather have them speak honestly than say what they think I want to hear.
went to meeting (may or may not count in my favor)
aerobic cleaning of basement. Real progress being made
In a startling revalation I realized that I feel better when I exercise and eat well. This makes me somehow different from the rest of the people on the planet. Ha.
I have been using my recurring/persistent illness as an excuse NOT to exert myself. But it is likely that my inaction is in part the cause of my fatigue and not the other way around. It is at the very least a confounding factor.
This morning my psych nurse practitioner cancelled on me due to "circumstances beyond her control." I am going to blame illness since eveyone and their dog has been sick this season.
But since I was already up, washed, dressed, and fed before 8 on a day that I did not work, I set about some aerobic cleaning in the basement. I managed to work up a sweat (although that could be in part becuase I am easily overheated and ridiculously thirsty). And it felt GOOD.
So, it is the inertia that is the problem. Not the exercise itself.
Much like when I am Depressed I can't convince myself that I want to do anything about it. So much easier to just wallow. Cover my head with the covers. Eat chocolate. Cancel all social engagements. Sleep. Or stay awake.
Once upon a time I did a fantastic job of walking every day. This was in the mythical days when I did not own a house, did not work more than six hours a week and had only one child. And that child was the perfect size to stick in a stroller and walk and walk and walk. I made healthy meals too. I attended weight watchers. And I felt great. (see above picture)
Now, I can't enter the river at that same point. But I can find ways of modifying my current habits to work my way toward greater exercise and healthy eating. How dull. I would really prefer magic.
Grateful Crap: energy enough to exert myself
took meds (last night) 150mg sertraline, 450 mg bupropion
will try to get outside (temps over freezing today-- time to break out the shorts)
Winter has the briefest glimpse of light.
Admittedly I did take a solid 2-hour nap this afternoon. But it is eight o'clock pm and I am still functional.
Worked in the basement for an hour today.
It is so super-hard not to set a project-based deadline. Like: I will work down here until I am done with this room. Or: I will be completely done with this room by such a date.
But see, that's the kind of feast or famine mentality that gets me in trouble and burns me out. Grak.
Sometimes goals can be helpful. Other times they are just helpy.
I'm sad. Or rather, for chunks of the day I have been experiencing sadness. But I think it is also a normal kind of sad. And as I have explained to myself before, it is not as if Kicking Depression's Ass will make me immune to being sad.
My eldest would like to do away with anger; this is his troubling emotion. I would be fine with letting go of sad. I don't do many productive things with that one. Anger I can take action. Anger is outward. Anger is the spur that lets me know I need to do something.
Sad just sucks. Sucks the light out of the room.
But aerobically cleaning the basement for an hour was actually quite nice. And the fact that I was not cheery was not a deterrent. I thought, well at least I will have something to show for today. And being normal sad really isn't that bad. It just isn't fun. I guess by definition that would follow.
I just thought of an upside to regular sad: when I am Really Depressed, I am too distant from myself to be sad. I am just not there. Empty. Floaty and clay-faced. If I am regular sad it is a good indication that Depression is not taking over.
Grateful Crap: regular tired, regular sad, regular stuff
took meds (150mg sertraline, 450mg bupropion)
(also treated allergies)
Made a giant pot of home-made dried bean soup (which is much better than it sounds)
I have let go of the daily posts lately in the interest of self-care. And almost I don't feel too guilty about this.
Found out from my doctor that I do not have mono. And I am not going to elect to have a CT scan to determing if I have accute sinusitis. Because I don't want surgery and I just don't think my sinus crap warrants that sort of thing.
It was super nice to have the blog to reflect back on so I had good data on how frickin' frackin' long I have been feeling crappy and tired.
All my bloodwork came back within normal ranges. The level of monocytes was slightly elevated, but still normalish. Doc's theory is that I may have some long lingering virus that my body is trying to fight off (thus the recurrent low-grade fevers).
I think the plan of attack is:
When doc asked how my Depression was-- because teasing out whether the fatigue is related to physical or mental illness is not so easy-- I said that I thought it had been pretty well in hand until recently. When news of my friend's decision to end her life kicked me in the teeth.
The doc had another patient who was similarly affected-- she had to believe it was the same person (even with no names shared) because it was such an unusual situation. Her comment: this woman's decision is having a great impact on many people in the community.
I found that my faith community has not remained mute on the issue. Which makes me feel much better. Ultimately, the decision is her own. Even if I don't like it. And now that I know we have not been silent I am not so much worried about her. I am worried about the people she will leave behind. Worried for us.
I have avoided death. I have attended only ten funerals in my lifetime. Averaging 1/4 of a funeral per year.
both of my grandmothers and my paternal grandfather (3)
my grandfather-in-law (1)
father of one of my students (1)
relative of a quaker friend/spouse of a coworker (1)
friends from quaker meeting (3)
I am more uncomfortable being around people whose faith differs from mine while at funerals. That I don't really go for the whole afterlife thing sets me apart from many religious folks. And I far less tolerant of things that sound like empty, generic platitudes about god's grace.
Any road, it looks like I had better gear myself up for more funerals in the future. Becuase people are just going to keep dying. And it is likely that some of those who die will be close to me.
Grateful Crap: people who aren't me who are able to address end-of-life issues with aging friends.
I have done a bang-up job of taking meds every evening
Talked with family
I have done a crap job of getting any kind of exercise.
Also, done a piss-poor job eating healthy.
This needs to change.
But hey, I've been getting enough sl... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Quaker, teacher, parent,