Not doing so hot today. Felt clay-faced and distant and fluffy-headed in the morning. Many pile-ups of minor things caused me to short-circuit.
Happily, called a friend (and talke to my boss) and felt much better. At least about the pile-up of minor things.
Still there is an underlying undefined something that is not so hot. (Not making any comment on the fact that we are still experiencing dangerously low windchills and massive amounts of snow going into what is euphemistically called "Spring Break.")
I did schedule an appointment with regular doctor to see about the Fatigue issue. Also called psych doctor to see if I had an appointment on the books anytime soon. Turns out, I have one scheduled for a week from today. Good thing I called. Sheesh. I put both appointments on my otherwise unused calendar.
The not so hot stuff came before the issue that follows--- which did not do anything to lift the cloud
Struggling now with a heavy issue in my faith community. One of the friends from the Quaker meeting has elected to stop eating and drinking. She has planned her memorial service. Her family is gathering from distant states. I helped with her husband's memorial service a few yeas ago. I wasn't ready to let him go, either. But his death was sudden, from a serious illness. This is different. This is a deliberate decision to slowly commit suicide after informing friends and family of her intentions.
I am not okay with this. I want to shout. I want to shake her and tell her that this is a crappy thing to do to those who love her.
That I need her to fight whatever it is that she doesn't want to fight. Because I admire her as someone who is strong and smart and amazing. (And of course it is all about me.)
I feel powerless and impotent and stupid. I don't know what is going on in her life. I have not seen her in some time and I can only speculate what is behind this decision.
I have no idea how she got to this place. And I kind of don't care. In that I don't want there to be any appropriate reason to choose suicide (in the absence of horrible chronic terminal something). And I am not ready for her to be done.
I don't know if anyone is shouting. I don't know if I am strong enough to shout. Or if I am brave enough to seek her out and say anything. I can hold her in the light, for all the good that may do.
My assumption (well aware that it is based on no actual facts) is that her decision may be borne out of untreated Depression. As such, I feel paralyzed. At once as if I MUST speak out because... well just because. But also as if this issue of deciding to stop fighting-- letting Depression win-- it may be too frightening for me to deal with directly.
What kind of a community are we if we don't speak against our members killing themselves? If there is that of god in everyone, can we afford to be losing that of god in her? What action can I properly take being on the fringe of all of this? I feel I have not standing. Or I am standing on sand that shifts beneath my feet and my voice can only come from far away-- lost in the swirl of dry wind.
Hold us in the light. Whatever comes of this, it is not going to be pretty.
Apparently not done being fatigued. Did NOT make any of the calls that I said I was going to BUT I did refill my prescription. In fact I don't remember which calls I was supposed to make. Allergist? Regular? Psych? Dentist? Pediatrician? Eye doctor?
I don't think anything interesting happened any of these days. Mostly all I felt was TIRED. Too tired to be Depressed. Too tired to care about whether I was Depressed or not. Just TIRED.
Tired due to physical illness or mental illness or some untangleable combination of both? I don't know. Does it matter? Maybe. When I am done typing this, I am going to check my last post, see what calls I need to make, and actually call.
I was not too tired to feel guilty, however. I sat and ruminated on the many Un Finished Objects (UFOs) in my life.
Perhaps this rumination is contributing to the TIRED. Or the guilt is. I'm sure there are more things, but I can't think of them right now because I don't really think that would be helpful.
I did do some awesome things at work. And I will try to feel good about that in a little bit. For now I am going to consume a small amount of chocolate for medicinal purposes.
I did take my meds daily (in the evening). I do not THINK that this has caused the TIRED. We'll see.
Three Year Old: When I am a grown up will you buy me a grown-up sized bathrobe? A purple one?
Quaker, teacher, parent,