In an astonishing turn of events I can report that: getting enough sleep, drinking enough water, treating my asthma so I am getting enough oxygen and getting to the gym has a positive affect on my overall well-being.
But I think it isn't that simple. Because in the depths of the dump of Depression I can't want to do any of these things. So first I have to feel well enough to tackle one or all of these mundane problems and THEN I can take action.
I think the change in seasons is not easy. All three of the times that my Depression has been work-missing-bad it has been in the early spring. It is why I told people that I had reverse SAD for a while... I got Depressed when the sun started to show its brazen head a bit more. Shiny fool.
I am going to add a regular thing to my posts I think. So here's the format:
I was super tempted to follow each one of these with a conditon. I like this, but I don't like this about it. I like that, but only on Tuesdays. I like this part, but sometimes I don't. Ugh. Still I do feel a bit better body-wise so I suppose this is a decent activity.
After a thoroughly lackluster performance in my teaching day... which was okay because students were just winding up with their end-of-semester projects and enjoying a pot-luck... I made myself useful at a meeting for a friend and helping set up a computer.
Being useful is a good plan. I recommend it. If you feel like you are useless, prove yourself wrong. This is the value of work and the value of volunteering, I imagine. Sitting around doing nothing does... nothing... to improve one's self-image and overall mental health.
I realized that I should maybe call my provider just to inform them of the down-turn-- even if it is only temporary and my fault. But I did not call.
Went to the Y. Did 20 minutes on the elliptical trainer. Then dutifully went to work. Was inspired by students-- bringing me back to the value of work. Especially work that I find meaningful.
I was Super Tired in the afternoon and after engaging in some unproductive yelliness (oh now I am having conniptions because I don't remember how to spell yelliness. yellyness? the yelly?)
So, I made a quick and uninspired dinner, and sent myself to bed early. Like at 7:30pm. Woke briefly to change into pajamas, TAKE MY MEDS and brush my teeth. Then slept some more.
Last day of class for my college classes. I will miss the students. Hopefully I will see some of them next year. If I were the boss of the universe, the college would hire me as an adjunct professor to teach a class here. That would totally rock.
This morning (after sleeping an adequate amount) I felt better than I have in weeks. I don't think that is an exaggeration. I woke up and engaged in useful activities instead of just slogging about wondering where I put my glasses for twenty minutes.
I have not yet called my provider. I have not yet done something else... oh yes. I have not gone back to my SuperBetter site. I will do that right now.
Here is the quest I chose: Write a thank you note to my "sidekick" (brain) listing 10 things its super fast reactivity helps me survive and enjoy life.
(This is really hard to do when I am not feeling like I have a particularly fast brain at the moment...)
Grateful Crap: See above list. I cannot be any more grateful at the moment.
Took meds all three days
Got enough sleep on Tuesday night
Drank enough water Tuesday during the day
Went to the Y on Tuesday
Blogged and Superbettered today.
Wanted to do nothing but sit around and read. But I had to do other things. I dug up a part of the yard to start terracing the front hill for a retaining wall. This was to make myself spend time in the sun. Could not be bothered to find a shovel so I dug with my hands. Getting dirt under my fingernails. Working on putting in a retaining wall. With bricks from our front yard garden. I left a mess of dirt on the sidewalk. Maybe soon I will find a shovel and bring the wheelbarrow to cart away the excess soil.
I could not remember whether my concert was May 3, May 4 or May 5. This was somewhat problematic. I forgot to tell my mom when the actual date was and she came twice. Which did not make me feel like daughter of the year. But it was the result rather than the cause of stress. Still don't exactly have a cause of stress.
I feel like I should call my psych nurse practitioner and report that there is some change in my Depression symptoms. But then I reflect on my utter lack of doing anything proactive... and I think it is my own damn fault and I just need to get off my ass and do something before I call in the cavalry.
But I am lazy.
I am without gumption.
No, I have some gumption. I need to. This is what makes it different now that I am not a teenager with Depression. I am an adult with a family and a job. This means I can't let things slide to the point where I am a worthless blob of disconnected neurons.
I have seen and experienced that without additional incentive provided by outside sources it is too easy to do nothing. Or next to nothing. To sit and read and play games and just coast from one day to the next in a sort of haze. While it is difficult to get out and do what needs to be done when Depression is loomy, it is Very Important.
I think I will engage in some SuperBetter. Because I have been feeling SuperWorse. And it will encourage me to do Something instead of Nothing.
Grateful Crap: sunlight
took meds-- reordered them too.
I forced myself to go to the Children's Museum. I was of little help. I was so tired. If I didn't think it would have caused some alarm I would have just laid down by the water tables and stared at the ceiling. I don't know what it is that ceiling and sky hold as a draw. I find when I am feeling UnWell, that looking up is preferable. Looking at nothing. Empty sky. Blank ceiling.
I have been experiencing some of the "hysterical deafness" that sings in my ears when I am stressed. I don't know what I am stressed about. Just that things don't feel right and it pisses me off.
To the best of my knowledge this was the third time I missed work due to Depression related crap.
The first time was when I was teaching K-12 and had to be sent home because I could not stop crying (about what? I don't know. Didn't then, either). That was more than 12 years ago.
Second time was last spring-- when I also could not stop crying. Teaching adults this time, but still can't really do that through a haze of tears.
This time I was only on the verge of tears. And my face was made of clay and felt like it might crack. I meant to go to the Y to work out, but I lost track of time and got there too late to do anything but take a shower and change into my work clothes. I felt sick to my stomach, but it seemed psychosomatic so I tried to ignore it.
I left the Y later than I should have. I had forgotten my phone at home. I missed the turnoff to take the daughter to my friend's house. I thought I might have to pull over because the pile-up of minor irritations was having a greater affect on me than I expected.
I was having trouble thinking-- sluggish thoughts. The idea of being able to be useful in a classroom seemed ludicrous. I drove to work, dragged the daughter in, and told my students I was not well and needed to go home. I felt like faking a cough or looking more obviously ill. Because mental colds are just not a thing. But that is what it felt like. That I just needed some time to recover from whatever it was that was leaning on the sore spot of my Depression. Twisting the knife.
Went home, went to sleep. Spouse came home early to pick up children from school. This was a great relief. I think I slept more.
Did not volunteer. A mix of dread-- fearing my ability to be emotionally present for children-- and surprise scheduling conflict. One son forgot his backpack and I needed to return it to him. I don't remember what all else happened.
Grateful Crap: still standing
took my damn meds every damn day
Quaker, teacher, parent,