I came clean at work today to a colleague about the reason I had scaled back my involvement with a work-related choir. I told her that I was so grateful that she had been able to pick up my slack this spring. "Well, you were sick for a while, right?" "Yes. I had bronchitis in March. But this past month I've really been struggling with my clinical depression." It felt good. And she had a very supportive reaction, based on viewing a television commercial on depression where there was a tagline like "what you say really matters" or something like that. Here was my favorite thing that she said: do you want to share any more about how things are going with your depression? And she mentioned how glad she was that I felt free to share this with her since there is still so much stigma around the area of mental illness. I realize there is risk associated with being open about mental health issues at work. But there is also a risk in not being open about them. It further stigmatizes mental health issues as a character flaw or as something shameful to be hidden. I didn't hide my bronchitis. Why should I have to hide my depression? They both have a negative impact on my ability to work. They are both conditions that can be treated or overcome. Why does the stigma remain? I think it confuses things further that depression can mean either being a little sad or being cripplingly crushingly unable to do anything or something in between. There should be a separate word without the emotional baggage to denote the clinical condition. But there is so much fluidity between clinical and situational depression-- that being regular sad for a long time can cause your brain chemistry to go wrong. And having brain chemistry being off can make you feel sad. At our end of the year meeting today some teachers were expressing disappointment in the work of one of our volunteers. I later found out that she had been hospitalized with depression. Had she broken a leg or been out with the measles this would have been widely known. Cards, flowers and sympathy. Instead she was further isolated by the silence. I don't want to use depression as a crutch. I don't want people to think that mental illness is an excuse to do shoddy work. But I do think there needs to be more openness around the realities of mental wellness and the workplace. Daily Convexions
Moderation is a difficult practice. It comes more naturally to me to do things to excess. Or not at all. Sometimes this seems like a good thing. When it seems like I am entering a state of "flow." According to psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi flow is a state of optimal attention and immersion. This state can be attained while pursuing enjoyable activities. Anything that you can be engaging in at your own edge of mastery. This flow, and the pursuit of talents and hobbies that you find enjoyable can contribute greatly to overall happiness. Of course being in the zone and making jewelry without noticing the passage of time can lead to just a few extra pairs of earrings, sore hands from twisting wire and a distinct lack of sleep. But it was great at the time. Currently my spouse is engaged in the mastery of whole-grain bread baking. Mmmmm. Daily Convexions
More sleeplessness at night due to sinuses. Bah. Also, forgot to take meds until 2:15 today as I was posting this. The holy grail for me is an uncluttered house. Don't laugh. Oh, and I should have told you to not be drinking coffee while reading this. I didn't say it was likely to happen. I just long for it in a religious way. It is of course at odds with my personality. With my obsessive sewing, knitting, beading, papercutting, crocheting. With my very small house. With my obliviousness to my surroundings until they are overflowing with unputaway items. And by then it's too late. Every "storage" space is already full of unsorted things that have been unceremoniously crammed in to give us some clear floorspace for walking. And there isn't a grown-up telling me that I have to put things away before I start something new. Or else I am not listening. I'm already on to the next thing. Kind of a project-based attention deficit. PBAD. I filled 8 bankers boxes today with carefully sorted sewing and knitting supplies. I filled a grocery bag with donations for artscraps. I filled a "large" packing box with donations of unloved (but not unloveable) toys for the Goodwill. In March I donated yards of cotton fabric to Sew Good Goods for a project that made pillowcases for a hospital in Uganda. But I haven't even touched the bulk of my "stash." That is unsorted in the basement. The hazard of having worked for years at a yarn shop and a fabric store. Hopefully by next April I will have sorted through all these things and can donate my unwanted good stuff to the Textile Center for their garage sale. Daily Convexions
Sinus infection threatening to move in for a long stay. Poor sleep last night (couldn't breathe). Napped today. Yesterday I spent a great deal of time poking around online doing this and that (you know how it goes) Then I spent the rest of my day embodying the whirling beachball of doom (as seen on macs everywhere trying in vain to load something). It took me forever to get NOTHING done. This summer all of my work time will be in the evenings, which should make it easier to schedule time at the Y for yoga/pilates/etc. Exercise is key. I know this. It always feels like I don't have time to take care of myself because I have too many other things to do. And yet I know I will be better able to do all these things if I take better care of myself! How come knowing what you need to do isn't enough to make you do it? I guess if I could answer that I could completely wipe out the whole self-help industry. This morning I manically cleaned out the hall closet. All over the living room. We are still suffering the after effects. Then I spent the rest of the day helping out with the field day "olympics" at my sons' school. By the end of the day I was wiped out. Daily Convexions
The summer before son #2 celebrated Halloween for the second time someone asked him what he wanted to dress up as. His answer: a laughing green monkey. I was sure he would forget by the time October rolled around. I was wrong. "Ummm... what's a laughing green monkey," This was greeted with a stupefied stare. And then very slowly, very clearly, and a little bit louder than usual he answered: "It's green. It's a monkey. It goes ha, ha, ha. Hee, hee, hee." I did not get 8 hours of sleep last night. I would like to try for that tonight. It's hard because I am fond of staying up late and doing my crafty things. Knitting and watching Netflix. Until I can't keep my eyes open. However, experience has taught me that I can't continue this, particularly not when I am trying to bounce back from a more depressed period. The sleep thing is a mess. Not being able to sleep or sleeping too much is a sign of depression. Not being able to sleep or sleeping too much can worsen the signs of depression. Not being able to sleep or sleeping to much can be a side effect of the medications used to combat depression. It renders the whole sleep equation too complicated to factor. I think I should just try for that 8 hour thing if I can. P.S. I found some good resources for depression from the Mental Health Association on Minnesota. They have an anonymous online screener and a score of other tools and recommendations. Daily Convexions
So this is what "not tired" feels like. I went for a walk yesterday and then got 8 hours of sleep last night. When I woke up I was functional. And I didn't need to fall asleep with my daughter when she took a nap. In fact, I would not have started weeping in despair if she had missed her nap yesterday. Take that, horrible lethargy! Ha. This day was full of celebrations. It was the final class party for the beginning orchestra at my son's school. I have been volunteering with the group all year and the teacher is moving to CA this summer so this was her farewell to the kids. We gave her a quilt with the names of all her students all around the border. (If you can see close-up the names are all in Chinese-- they are at a Mandarin immersion school.) Then my students (adult ELL) had a potluck picnic and gave me a gift card as a thank you. As I was driving around with a wicked headache thinking of the million things that I had to do, I took half an hour off and got a massage with my gift card. Thank you, students. Daily Convexions
To the left is an Enchanted Castle that I knit for son #1 when he was four or five. I used scrap yarn and items from Artscraps to make it. All of the pictures on this blog are things that I have made. It helps me remember how much stuff I do. And have done. And will do. There is some data to show that art therapy is useful in the treatment of depression. I am not sure that DIY crafting counts as art therapy, but it can't be a bad thing to include as part of my treatment plan. According to the Self Assessment at the Mayo clinic, I am moderately depressed. Which is not the goal for someone who is on medication. I'd like to set the bar a little higher. Possibly my friend is right and the reason I have taken myself off my meds so often is that they are no longer as effective as they once were. It will be nice to have this record of what's been happening daily since my talks with docs in the past have been quite vague. "Ummm.... I think I feel better than I did. I don't remember how many days I didn't take my medication. I'm not sure if I have been having trouble sleeping. What was the question?" So today, unlike yesterday, I will do something besides popping pills. I guess I did sleep, but that hardly seemed therapeutic. Being unintentionally comatose for most of the afternoon doesn't seem like something I would recommend as part of a treatment plan. Here are the Mayo's recommendations for self-care: Set priorities and simplify tasks to reduce stress. Stay physically active. Make time for activities you enjoy. Get about eight hours of sleep a night. Connect with supportive family and friends. Eat more healthy foods, including fruits, vegetables and whole grains. I have done okay on connecting with supportive family and friends. A little bit. This counts, right? I do something that I enjoy every day. Sewing or knitting or singing or making flowers for my yarn garden. I am not getting anywhere near 8 hours of sleep a night. I am not doing a good job of eating healthily. And I am not physically active. I am physically passive. I am setting priorities and simplifying tasks, although that does not come naturally. In fact, more often I complicate tasks. You know those stories about giving a moose a muffin... my projects tend to go that route. Daily Convexions
So instead of doing anything useful on Monday (this is a back-dated cheating post), I came home from teaching, took a long nap (more like passed out) and then spent the rest of the day in a zombie-like state of half-sleep. Which was not really the plan. I wondered if maybe this is the "drowsiness" as in medication may cause drowsiness, take care when operating heavy machinery until you know how you will react. For now I am taking my meds in the morning. If the drowsiness persists I will switch to night time, I guess. But would the side effects hit so long after starting the medication? And so late in the day? Or is this just allergy/sinus infection/spring cold lethargy? Daily Convexions
So here are the beginnings of my yarn garden. I have many more flowers made, but I need to find a way to attach them to the fence. I am not good with living plants either inside or outside. The trick is that plants do not let me know when they need water or when they have had too much. Not audibly. And I am very much so an aural learner. So I either water them to death or they slowly wither away from benign neglect. These babies are 100% acrylic and guaranteed never to wither away or rot from the roots up. However, it takes me so long to attach them that I would never be able to successfully "yarn bomb" anyone else's property. I can't tell if I feel down, or just out of it due to possible impending sinus infection. I feel slightly absent this weekend. Or today. Or at this moment. Same fuzzy head feeling. Note to self: do something more active tomorrow. Daily Convexions:
Today is the last day of piano lessons for the school year for my sons. Son #1 completed his first composition this morning. (see below) Yesterday I felt worse than I have in a while. Very very very tired. And my head felt like it was stuffed with cotton. Everything was fuzzy. I picked up some chewable B vitamins and some Omega-3 supplements. Because these things are supposed to be good things to have and should not interfere with my antidepressants. I'm hoping for a better day today. Not because of supplements, but because I will do more to fight the fight than just pop pills. There was a fair amount of wallowing going on yesterday. I need to schedule something besides trying to dig my way out of months and months of clutter. Maybe I should try to do some outside garden-like stuff. That will be my plan. Some people seem to like gardening. Maybe I can become one of those people. Daily Convexions:
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K. BuchananQuaker, teacher, parent, |