Not doing so great. And I don't like it. I seem to have a case of nameless creeping dread tonight. And all day I walked around feeling like an emotional zombie. Happily (ha!) I heard from my clinical nurse psychiatrist today; she okayed an increase in my dose of bupropion. Which I left the house without taking today. So I had it at 4:00pm. I hate roller-coasters. Pretty sure I have mentioned before that when I last rode one I cried into my friend's shoulder the whole time. "Why didn't you tell me that you hated roller coasters?" I forgot. I feel like I am at the top of one. That's what it feels like in my gut. Or like I am car-sick. Sort of. And moving through thick fog. Emotionally it isn't like I am a wreck. I'm not sad. I'm just not anything, which kind of sucks me down because it feels icky and wrong. My face is inelastic. I feel like I have discovered a great natural solution to botox. I am making no happy or sad wrinkles today. And mentally I am achieving new heights of anxiety. Fear of failing professionally, personally, and parentally. That there are too many balls for me to keep in the air and I don't even know how to juggle. This fear doesn't take any substantial form, it is just there in the back of my head. And I am apparently also not dealing well with criticism at the moment. Communication has been my downfall. I owe several people emails and I am tardy. Which qualifies me as the World's Worst Person. Who knew it took so little to gain the title? I don't even have space cleared for the trophy yet. I need to
Definitely in a blue funk. Perhaps tomorrow I could warm up into a red funk. Or purple. Just to change it up. Grateful Crap: ummm... touch typing. Without which I could never get my thoughts down fast enough. And if I had to write longhand I would never be able to read my own writing. Daily Convexions: took meds (150mg sertraline, 450mg bupropion) I am now on the maximum recommended dose for bupropion. crap. Okay, I don't have anything for today. Really. Feeling grey and blarg. Like I have a headache but without the headache part. Did Pilates today for the first time in nearly three years. It felt good. And the instructor was fine. She is more of a "feel the burn" kind of teacher than a "listen to your body and be in the moment" kind of one. Grateful Crap: oxygen. Yup. I am hooked. Definitely loving the oxygen. Breathe. Daily Convexions took meds (150mg sertraline, 300mg bupropion) took chewable vitamins exercised (1 hour pilates) So I had a mostly okay time for most of the day. A few things didn't go quite the way I wanted to, but not a big deal. There was some misunderstanding surrounding technology with a fellow teacher that kind of flummoxed both of us. I was not as early to class as I wanted to be. My meeting ran longer than I thought it would so I was the one to drive in the 90 degree heat to pick up children from school instead of going home to relinquish our single car to the spouse for carpooling purposes. Which meant that I was the one waiting waiting waiting forever for my children to come out of the school. And they didn't come out. And they didn't come out. And they didn't come out. So finally I turned off my car to go see where they were. And I was the one who stayed to help a friend when she could not find her child. Spoilers: her child is fine and we found him. But it was very distressing for the forty-five minutes it took to locate the poor six year old. He had mistakenly gotten caught up in the confusion of children (you know, like a flock of birds, or a herd of sheep) who were marched on to a bus. This, for some reason, is what I have chosen to focus my depressed mood on. Not my child, not my problem, not happening right now. But I am sad about it. Really stupidly unrelentingly sad. Not crying sad, but just that morose brooding teenager kind of sad, where I want to paint my room black and listen to depressing music by great singer-song writers playing acoustical guitar. And I at once for breakfast (home-made bread, a pear and milk) and then nothing for the rest of the day until 6 pm. Nor did I drink anything. Poor planning. Poor, poor planning. Pack a lunch. Pack a snack. Pack a water bottle. So by the time 6 pm rolled around and I had been unintentionally fasting for ten hours (!) I made some poor food choices. Is anyone surprised? 'Cause I am not. Dinner included cherry coke, a cookie and some M&Ms (which I don't even like). And as a side dish I had a slice of pizza, but sugar was certainly the main course. The whole time I was driving home from the sad after school incident I couldn't stop thinking about chocolate soft serve ice cream. I wonder if self-medicating with alcohol works the same way. If the sugars from alcohol have the same affect on dopamine. Idle curiosity. I do not plan to take up alcoholism as a way to treat my Depression. Sad sad sad stupidy sad. I don't like this. Regular anhedonia feelings were better. This is more icy and sinky than that was. More pit in your stomach like you forgot to study and there is a pop quiz. Grateful Crap: That I probably will not feel like this tomorrow. Daily Convexions: took meds (150mg sertraline, 300mg bupropion) - also called and left message with triage person to see if I can increase wrote my blog entry called to make an appointment to see clinical psychiatric nurse practitioner. Now I am going to watch something that will make me laugh and then go to bed. I may have spelled that incorrectly, but I just don't get the same pleasure out of spelling things correctly as I used to. Ha. I know I am Depressed when I am frickin' hilarious. My flat affect moments are showing up a few moments a day this past week. Which kinda sucks. And I realize that I haven't had any knitting, sewing or beading projects going for many months now. Many. Things I used to really love doing: knitting, sewing, playing scrabble, cooking, baking, yoga, Pilates, writing, reading... I can remember liking to do these things, but I don't have any desire to do any of them right now. And I don't much want to be around people. Person, sure. People? Not just yet. I am sending spouse to the curriculum night at school because last time I went to a meeting there I wept for an hour. I really don't have it in me to deal with all the nice, extroverted parents who I have spent years avoiding. But I really like the few parents I have gotten to know there. Working Theory increased stress + increased anhedonia + sugar cravings = evidence of inadequate levels of dopamine? Bupropion is a dopamine reuptake inhibitor. And dopamine has to do with the ability to experience pleasure. Also, consuming sugar causes a temporary dopamine surge. Self medication? I have not called to reschedule my appointment. I must do this tomorrow. I will write it on my hand so I remember. (My "palm" pilot for those who are old enough to even know that is a pun) Grateful Crap: My mostly functioning brain and its ability to maybe weasel out what the problem is with its own chemistry. Daily Convexions:
I recently described myself as goal-oriented. That is partially true. I am really projected-oriented. I like being able to complete something, cross it off the list and call it d-o-n-e. I have the simultaneous perfectionist fear of calling something done until it is just right. As long as it is incomplete, there is a reason for its imperfection. This project-based orientation is one of the things I like about my craft stuff. Knitting, sewing, beading... each project has a designated end. Especially if I give it away or sell it. If it is out of my hands, it is officially completed. Fixing things is another appealing activity. Today I fixed the dryer. Now it dries clothes. So simple. Lovely. But I can't fix me. I am not a project. This fighting Depression thing is a process. It involves daily, sustained, regular ass-kicking activity. If I could find some way of breaking the process into a series of projects, steps that can be completed, that would make the whole ass-kicking thing more appealing. So that even if I can't declare the fight done, I can declare little pieces of things done. Like what? Set stupid goals for little things and reward myself? With what?' Project ideas:
I realize that many of these have to do with eliminating clutter, and may not seem like they have much to do with beating back Depression. But the clutter is one symptom of the Depression and the lack of energy to keep up with daily routines. So is the lack of big-picture thinking it takes to decide what stays and what goes. Getting rid of the signs of Depression will help banish the symptoms of Depression. Which I realize sounds backwards, but I think there is something to it. “It is easier to act yourself into a new way of thinking, than it is to think yourself into a new way of acting." - A.J. Jacobs A few years ago I read A.J. Jacobs's book The Year of Living Biblically. One thing that stuck with me was that the rules he was following told him what to do, but not what to think. Then he found that the actions changed his way of thinking. So that is part of my method behind my madness. Act myself into a state of greater convexity and less Depression. Grateful Crap: restful weekends with plenty of lazing around relaxing with my family Daily Convexions: took meds (150mg sertraline, 300mg bupropion) sleep: 8+ hours and a lovely nap I want to find a different and easy way to track sugar/caffeine. I had a cup of black tea today and a cheerio-bar; I have really been ramping up the sugar intake lately and I am not sure why. Stress of new job? Not enough fruits in the house? Don't know. Here is the punchline for the day: I am going to teach college students how to organize their paperwork, notes, and other project materials in order to succeed in school. My co-teacher, who has only known me for a few weeks cackled with glee at the thought. She even threatened to call me a fraud during my lecture! However, since organization is on my mind in many ways, it's not such a mismatch. Also, I am capable of organizing papers if it is absolutely necessary. And with the amount of paperwork coming my way in my new job, it is absolutely necessary. I don't have any great revelations for today. You know, I have to get more sleep, eat less sugar and exercise. I may need to track all of those things, since tracking seems to be a successful thing for me. Tracking my meds here has been wildly successful for keeping my compliant. Grateful Crap: The return of my oldest who had a wonderful time at the middle school retreat and could not stop talking about all the things they did with their counselors. Daily Convexions:
took meds 150mg sertraline, 300mg bupropion sleep count: 7.5 hours (plus 1/2 hour nap) sugar count: cinnamon toast, lemonade iced tea (2 servings), homemade malt exercise: nope So things change and things stay the same. Less drama, more laundry. I can be sad about things and not let them derail me. I can be angry without being outraged. Strong feelings are something that I recognize in myself as an important part of my personality, but when they swallow me up they are no good. This is something that my friends and family realized about me um... thirty years ago? Sooner? I used to cry in kindergarten when other kids got in trouble. Also, I was more of a mess in junior high than your garden variety teenager. (Unaided by alcohol or drugs, I might add.) I was a good kid who managed to get messed up all by myself. My own chemistry then worked against me. So much so, that my friends got scared and reported me to the school counselor. I was having anxiety attacks, writing horribly depressing stories, and contemplating the emptiness of being alone in a godless universe forever. I can't imagine why they were worried (sarcastic). I don't feel intensely about everything. And I am nowhere near as intense as I was during those hormonal teenage years (or the hormonal pregnancy years). But I can have somewhat raw emotions. Even if I don't show them, at least as an adult. It takes work, though, sometimes. Emotional honesty and emotional intensity are not the same. But when you are accustomed to feeling things strongly, the absence of that overwhelming emotional reaction can feel... empty. Or like giving up. Or being somehow untrue to myself and betraying the core of who I am. But I am more than a passenger on an emotional roller coaster. And I will still be me if the highs aren't so high and the lows aren't so low. I had several moments of clay-face today. That flat affect feeling where nothing registers in my expression. I wasn't particularly sad or upset about anything. I just felt distant and floaty. And clay-faced. And hot. Maybe clay-face is just part of the normal spectrum of emotion and it shouldn't be of concern so long as it is fleeting. On the depression scales, they look for the symptoms to continue without relief for many days. So a few moments on one day is hardly cause for alarm. It is just scary because it reminds me of what it felt like every day for almost a year before I sought treatment for my Depression. But that was last century. Grateful Crap: snuggling with a two-year-old for an afternoon nap. Waking with her head nestled under my chin. Happy. Daily Convexions: took meds (but not until afternoon) 150mg sertraline, 300mg bupropion played my French horn (band practice started up again) Notes:
Spent five hours driving today, was rescued by a friend, dealt with a score of things that didn't go right. Too tired to post, so this is a backdated one. I didn't actually have an appointment with my psychiatric nurse practitioner in August like I thought I would. I thought they had rescheduled, but they didn't. So I need to call tomorrow. And I need to do a neat little synopsis of how things have gone since I went on the bupropion. My big revelation for the day was this: I am finally able to identify that I am tired. Regular tired, not exhausted. And when I am regular tired, I naturally want to go to bed. Grateful Crap: snow will someday fall Daily Convexions: took meds (150mg sertraline, 200mg bupropion) went to bed early Reaching 85 feet into the air, it is no Everest. But I still couldn't climb it. I am mortally petrified of heights. If I am more than three feet off the ground I begin to feel woozy. I don't remember where I was going with this. It was something about looking at obstacles in my way that seem so meaningless and so minor and why can't I just do them. They are small. Except sometimes it doesn't matter that impediments or tasks or obstacles are small because they are still beyond you at the moment. And maybe forever. Not everyone can be a mountain climber. I get major Ass-kicking points in the battle against Depression today for going to the YMCA and working out even though it was my first day teaching a new class and I was too late to go to the Pilates class that I wanted to attend. I found myself making all these excuses for why I really shouldn't go. And then I told myself to shut up and get in the car. Now. Because it would be good for me, because it was part of my plan, because having a routine is important for me and for my kid. My plan is to go every Tuesday and Thursday at the same time so she gets to play with the same kids and know the staff members well. It is my make-shift recreation preschool for her. More points for me as well in the ass-kicking department for getting close to 8 hours of sleep last night, for taking my meds first thing in the morning, for remembering to pack a lunch for myself and not just everyone else... Little mole hills that look like mountains from here. But I scaled them, and I feel pretty good about my efforts today. This does not hang together like I want it to, but that is okay. Grateful Crap: That I am not a refugee from Syria. That students in my new class got out of Syria with their entire family three months ago. Daily Convexions: took meds (150mg sertraline, 300mg bupropion) 25 minutes on the elliptical trainer drank enough, but not until the end of the day, so that's debatable slept last night... and I have been in bed before 1:30 for many days now, although once it was only by a few minutes I hate that I feel better when I sleep enough. Not sad. You can't tell by looking at a person that they are Depressed. Often you cannot tell by talking to someone whether they are Depressed. When I am at my worst, I just make sure I am not in a position where I will be forced to talk to anyone. I read the fine print on my anti-depressants today and it said that if you are taking these, it is important for you to have someone close to you who is monitoring your symptoms. Daily. Because you will not notice if you are experiencing side effects sometimes. But the people closest to you may. I sometimes feel like I must be "faking it." Or that my Depression is so mild I should just get over it and stop whining. Except that it isn't always mild. And unless I keep focused on the fact that I must ALWAYS fight Depression it will come creeping back. Sneaking in and taking over. Moving in. Bringing plenty of baggage. Planning to stay for a long, long while. I still wish there were a blood test, though. To prove that I have Depression. And some obvious outward sign. Like my ears would turn green. Okay, maybe not that. I don't really want everyone to know on site that I am Depressed. But I would like to have some proof that I could optionally show people so they would believe that i wasn't faking it. I wish I could show me. There are the days that I feel like a fraud. The best thing really, would be some way of telling how I was doing neurotransmitter-wise. There could be some kind of scale where I could see what was lacking and take the appropriate steps to correct the imbalance. Instead of this random throwing of things at the problem and hope that we get it right. Trial. Error. Trial Error. And so much time waiting to see if you are in the trial stage, the error stage, or if it is working. And then you slip back into error eventually. Grateful Crap: a clean floor in the living room for more than one day Daily Convexions took meds (150mg sertraline, 300mg bupropion) spent time with family decluttered some, but not too much |
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K. BuchananQuaker, teacher, parent, |