I might have mentioned that eldest child wants to take beginning tap dancing lessons with me. We are going to our first class tomorrow. Today I went and got tap shoes for both of us (it figures that all the used shoes I found on Craigslist were just not the right size.) Came home, put on my shoes and proceeded to clomp around the house. Today was perhaps the most forgetty day that I have had in a long time. Could not find keys. Or phone. Or keys again. And where was my computer. Shoot, the keys. Did you move my phone? Oh, and my purse. I thought it was here. No, there? Okay. Got everything. Except the keys. Crap. Don't really know why I was so tired last night. I wondered something today: I noticed that periods of hypomania follow periods of sleeplessness (or at least not enough sleep). Are these sleepless periods the start of a hypomanic episode rather than the cause? When I notice that I am having trouble getting to sleep day after day, could I do something to sort of bring things down to a simmer? Just a thought. Right, so back to tap shoes. I found an introductory video on youtube and the daughter and I tap danced on the carpet in the living room. I cannot recommend carpeted dance floors. The taps just don't have the right sound. And I get an inflated sense of my ability to remain upright since it is not as slippery a surface as a wooden floor. Really very super excited about tap. And the fact that eldest wants to come with me. Hope he likes it. Grateful Crap: Really Awesome Children Daily Convexions: 30 minutes tap dancing (worked up quite a sweat!) am meds: 150mg venlafaxine, 450mg bupropion pm meds: last day on 25mg lamotrigine. Tomorrow I switch to 50mg for 2 weeks. talked with a friend Today was too busy. I felt hectic and frantic and zizzzy. Drop kids off at school Come home and send off a bunch of emails for work Go get tap shoes Stop at friend's house to hand off pictures from recent portrait photo shoot Drop off daughter with gramma Go to meeting at work (interrupted by fire drill with an alarm that makes my ears bleed) Come home and tap dance with daughter Take much-needed shower Pick up children at bus stop Start making dinner Go see Krista Tippet and Carrie Newcomer On Being On Loring Park (SQUEEEE!) It doesn't look like that much when I list it out like this, but there were so many contextual shifts that it was difficult to track. I need to not schedule myself so densely. I predict that I will have trouble coming down from the excitement of the evening, and the event does not end until 9:30. I think I will come home, take a bubble bath, drink some warm milk and go to bed. See if that works. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. (backdated due to ridiculously early bedtime of 5 pm) Had a good day at work. Got a bit on the hypomanic side of normal while leading students through an exercise on how to make a good impression and how to make a bad impression. (My inner thespian became something of an outer thespian.) Then went to pick up all the children. Arrived home and they were all SO ENERGETIC and whiny and wrestly and screamy and intense that I went into my bedroom, fell face down on the bed and hid my head under my pillow. Very helpful. And mature. And all that. After a few minutes, daughter came in, snuggled up with me and we fell asleep. I woke up at midnight. Got up, took evening medicine, read a little bit, had dinner and went back to sleep. Grateful Crap: children who were awake made dinner for themselves Daily Convexions: 30 minutes on elliptical trainer meds am: 150mg venlafaxine, 450mg bupropion meds pm: 25mg lamotrigine, omega-3, magnesium, multivitamin talk with a friend Had a slow day today. It was glorious. I made a manageable tidying goal and mostly stuck to it. I decided to tackle just the narrow closet in the bathroom. Which then expanded to include (for no reason I can explain) one of the kitchen cupboards. In junior high we did this awesome project where the class split into two groups and each group created artifacts and made up a civilization and a back story for all the artifacts. Then these items were burried somewhere offsite and we got to excavate the other group's stuff and come up with plausible explanations for the items we uncovered. As i moved things around to a configuration that made sense to me... but didn't label anything... it occurred to me that my family is faced with a constant excavating project. Combined with trying to reverse-engineer my tidying thought process. What could I possibly have been thinking when I put the hair dryer in the box of tools, for instance. And why were there four nailclippers in an eyeglass case? My slow day today involved reading, watering the garden with the daughter. The weather was lovely. I enjoyed being in the garden. I didn't feel the need to move this or that or dig this or transplant that. I did not, in short, become the Zombie Gardener. It is the first time that I can recall this summer that I have just enjoyed the garden. I should try that more often. It makes gardening much more relaxing and rewarding. Grateful Crap: reminders that I can take things slowly while at home and not just away Daily Convexions: time outside SLOW time in the garden talked to a friend meds in the morning: 150mg venlafaxine, 450mg bupropion meds in teh evening: 25mg lamotrigine, omega-3, magnesium, multivitamin, In evaluating what things are triggery for me, I have pinpointed the Big Cleaning Project as a primary offender. So now I am afraid to tidy. Afraid to clean. Friend suggested that I just pick manageable little chunks or set a timer. She also suggested a number or other helpful things. I know these things. I also know that once I get started, it's hard for me to stop unless someone is bossing me around. In my reading of How To Be A Better Bipolar Person there is much talk on how important the visuals in your space are. And how vital it is to have a home space free of chaos and clutter. I can't imagine that there are many people who benefit from a chaotic, cluttered environment. Just people who mind it more or less. Item number two that is triggery for me (for either the Ups or the Downs in my energy levels) is the yelliness. And I started this morning with a grumpy building custodian (chief engineer, I guess). I just wanted to get into my room, make the copies I needed to make, and prepare for my students. Instead (although I arrived an hour early) I spent so much time dealing with trying to get in to the building, calling my boss to figure out how to get into the building and THEN being chewed out by the chief engineer. For fifteen minutes. Because he doesn't like the fact that I am teaching adults in a building at the same time that a Chinese Language School is teaching children. I will not go into details because they are not important. The experience was highly unpleasant and rattled me quite a bit. I tried to extricate myself politely and he followed me down the hall to rant some more. And apparently he had already made calls to higher ups all around the district at 10:30 pm. Last night. The day before my class was scheduled to start. Returned home to general yelliness on the part of children and spouse (and I soon joined in) about the toys left all over the yard and the extremely S L O W way in which the children were "helping." Most of helping seemed to involve yelling at the person younger than you and insisting that you had never touched this or that particular object, so you should not have to pick it up.
Justified Righteous Booming Parental Yelliness Then I realized that I was tired, hungry, had a sore throat and a pathetic cough and couldn't decide what to do so I thought I would read. Only I fell asleep. Presumably things happened while I was sleeping, but after waking and eating dinner there was a continuation of the morning's yelliness. Because the yard was still a disaster. And the children (who had been given the option to clean up in the nebulous area of "sometime today") And I did not deal well. So I wandered around zombie gardening for a while. Not trying to grow zombies, but resembling one myself, that is. I realized that much of the disastrous mess in the yard was mine. Some from years and years ago. And what wasn't mine I felt guilty about because I had not tried to enforce cleaning up at all this summer. Because it was too difficult to deal with the whiny and crying and unhelpful behavior and having to direct every little step in the clean-up process... Don't my children have me well trained? Except I had not been cleaning up either. Just moving dirt and plants and bricks and rocks. So when I decided that I had enough of the children bickering and whining and getting little done, I dismissed them. Go play. Fine.
I need to figure out a more helpful way to deal with my stress in the face of conflict other than hypomanic tidying and/or gardening. The semi-rational part of my brain insists that the cleany-gardeny thing is just fine, because then at least I have accomplished something. Sigh. Grateful Crap: it is too dark to put all the weeds and brush into bags to take to composting Daily Convexions: walked back from work (30minutes) drank lots of water (but I shoulda had it earlier) took meds am - 150mg venlafaxine, 450mg bupropion pm - 25mg lamotrigine, omega-3, multivitamin, sertraline, magnesium Read the Everything Book on Bipolar (or something like that) My realization for today was that back in the good old days when I was out to Kick Depression's Ass I felt like Depression was something external. Something I could fight against and vanquish or at least beat it back so it was not a giant monster, but a small creature of manageable size. It seemed like I was fighting against a disease. With bipolar, it feels like I am fighting against myself. Fighting so many ingrained habits and activities and inclinations. And it isn't going to go away because it is part of me. So the whole idea of banishing and vanquishing goes right out the door. A friend pointed out that Depression is also part of people. But I was used to my Depression. It was a comfortable kind of pain. Familiar in its bleak emptiness. Now to find that the activities that I saw as proof that I was Not Depressed are actually proof that I Am Bipolar. Another realization today was the reason why my bipolar tendencies escaped undiagnosed for so long and why they were worse this year (and thus led to diagnosis and appropriate treatment). Here are the things that I don't do in the summer that help keep bipolar episodes at bay:
I think working at night is probably also not great for me because it takes me a while to calm down enough to get to sleep and when I get home 8:30 or 9:00 pm from work it sets the whole routine later than it probably should be. Next summer here are some ideas I have: find someone to play horn with at least once a month put together a regular daytime schedule that includes time with friends, and yoga/pilates make an effort to maintain and improve my social connections instead of hiding either go to Quaker meeting when it is not hot, or worship with a smaller group in someone's home. Grateful Crap: return of cooler weather Daily Convexions: took meds am - 450mg bupropion, 150mg venlafaxine pm - 25mg lamotrigine, omega-3, magnesium, multivitamin more sugar today than usual; 30 minutes of walking (parked far from preschool and marched around the parking lot while waiting for children's school bus. I confessed to several friends that I felt at loose ends now that I am no longer out to Kick Depression's Ass.
Their rebuttal was that I had clearly succeeded in my mission. Depression is no longer the issue for me. Ha. (I confess that I did not take the photograph of this lovely banner. I swiped it from a former president's photo op.) I don't know what to write at the moment. I came back from GSW practice (Grand Symphonic Winds) and now it's late because I spent a bunch of time making my resource page look pretty. And now it's getting late and I HAVE to get to bed soon. Two things: Thing one - I went to the YMCA today and did 30 minutes on elliptical trainer (incidentally, I am inching closer to a "healthy weight" since starting on the mood stabilizers and feel less inclined to eat sugary stuff all the time. Possibly because I am being more careful overall with my behavior) Thing two: Plaing instrumental music is very good for me. In a group. Where I have many measures of rests to count. I breathe in unison with the people around me. Which is calming. I count silently in my head while keeping the beat. It is meditative. I hear and produce music, which sings to my soul. Vocal music might work if I didn't get so distracted by the words. I enjoy singing in groups, but I don't get the same calming meditation out of it because I get hung up on lytrics. I do like to belt things out on my own, though. Still not meditative. More cathartic. Okay, I will now have some milk and take my evening meds. Grateful Crap: tea with a friend; dark chocolate pistachio toffee Daily Convexions: tea with a friend dark chocolate pistachio toffee took meds am: 150mg venlafaxine, 450mg bupropion pm: Omega-3, multivitamin, magnesium, 25mg lamotrigine refilled prescription for bupropion got allergy shots went to the Y Perhaps thiis should be my new tattoo. On the back of my hand or something. So I see it all the time. I started trying to learn things about Bipolar today and I kind of freaked out. Okay, I actually spent much of the day just feeling generally wigged out about the whole bipolar diagnosis. Kind of a delayed reaction. The first psychiatrist that I talked to was so nebulous with her statements and I was in limbo for some time. The second psychiatrist was very confident in a diagnosis of Bipolar II. Which at first I took quite well, I think. But now, today, I started to worry. I really wish that my meating with my psychologist came much closer to my initial diagnosis... I need to wait until September 19. I found myself consciously slowing my breathing and moving slower than I normally would. Trying to stay calm. I felt fragile and weird. Trying not to disturb my neutral mood. I felt like my kids when they have a "slow race" to see who can be the last one to reach some destination. Moving through molasses. But I was afraid to speed up. Afraid to get sucked under in to some projecty thing that might or might not lead to hypomania. I made use of silence as an avoidance tactic. Then I realized that it was a crappy thing to do, so I made some accomodations for communicating and used my limited ASL to tell my children to STOP NOW! ALL DONE! Having spent decades educating myself on Depression I feel woefully misinformed about bipolar disorder. I don't know how it differs chemically from unipolar Depression. What is the same? What is different? How different? I tried to read stuff, which was either too simplistic or aimed at post-docs in psychiatry. Which is not me. I took Intro to Educaitonal Psychology in 1994. And a one-day class on identifying children's mental illness in 2008. Naturally I gravitated to the scholarly articles, which were way over my head. Except for a few parts. Like the part where most patients have a huge problem dealing with a diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder. Because it is a serious disease. Like diabetes. Because it necessarily means a lifetime of behavioral changes and treatment to stay healthy. Because they don't really know much about it. Then I started looking at brain scans of people with Bipolar Disorder. They were lit up like christmas trees. Similar in many ways to brains of people with OCD and ADHD. The final nail in my panicky coffin was when I read that untreated Bipolar disease results in a reduction of grey matter. I LIKE MY BRAIN. I WOULD LIKE TO KEEP IT, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. Specifically a reduction in
This is balanced out by an increase in
Happily (?) it looks like Depression also causes brain damage and it might be ameliorated by the use of antidepressants. And some of the damage might be reversible. So, why am I panicking? Because that is part of my nature. Panic is just kind of built in. And something that i am now trying to control. Slowing down. Reducing the yelliness. Beginning yoga again. I don't think I will get a tattoo, though. Because I would probably look at the "Don't Panic" and start freaking out about the fact that I couldn't remember if there was something specific that I was supposed to not panic about or if it was just a general reminder... Grateful Crap: a frank discussion with my college students about the role of mood disorders on learning and memory. Daily Convexions: ate what was probably the right amount of food morning meds: 150mg venlafaxine, 450mg bupropion evening meds: 25mg lamotrigine, omega-3, multivitamin National Institute of Mental Health
Information on Bipolar Disorder from NIMH (U.S.) Goldberg Bipolar Spectrum Screening Questionnaire A 12-question informal test (scored instantly online); The test assumes you have already had at least one episode of Depression. Information on Bipolar Disorder from NAMI (National Alliance for the Mentally Ill) A detailed brochure on Bipolar Disorder intended for people with Bipolar and their families Beating Bipolar A walkthrough of bipolar disorder in eight modules with presentations by staff, patients and family members (from the National Center for Mental Health NCMH in Cardiff, Wales, U.K.) A sign-up is required, but it is free. There is also an app for smartphones. More Resources on Bipolar Disorder from PsychEducation Links to many great resources When I first began going to quaker meeting, a friend of mine was also new to quakerism. I came from Unitarianism and the theology-- the lack of creed-- was not a problem for me. My friend grew up catholic and had a brother in the priesthood. She struggled with what it meant to be quaker. Over coffee one day she asked me, "What do quakers believe about the afterlife?" "Ask ten quakers, and you'll get ten answers." I wondered how someone could ever change their beliefs about the afterlife or the lack of afterlife to suit a particular religious community. If I told her "what quakers believe" would her own beliefs magically shift? It was amusing and a little bit disturbing to me that someone should look to others for what to believe so that they could belong. What do I have to believe to be really quaker. Nothing. There is no particular way to be quaker. Everyone has their own way of practicing. Their own place in the community. Their own beliefs. Their own hierarchy of what is important. (Tangent: the quaker "testimonies" which are tennants typically held in common by quakers across the board are frequently remembered with the acronym SPICE: Simplicity, Peace, Integrity, Community and Equality. I always forget what the I in SPICE stands for. At one point I replaced it with "In Your Face," which can be another quality of many quakers.) Now I find myself in a similarly uncomfortable situation. But, what do bipolar people do? Now that I am a "convinced bipolar" what do I believe about myself? In this state of aspotstasy-- having abandoned Depressionism I feel at loose ends. How should I act? Are there things I should be doing or not doing that I have neglected during my many years of apostasy when I believed in Depressionism? I am still the same person. But I don't know what it means to me to be bipolar. I will tell you that it is somewhat of a relief to discover that the reason I was not getting relief from my Depression is that it was not being treated correctly. I was worried that every week was going to be a struggle to remain unDepressed. Bipolar requires a different protocol. A different regimen of drugs. Different behavior management. Grateful Crap: Discovering my bipolarness even if I don't know what that means. Daily Convexions: took meds cleaned in manageable 15 minute chunks called friends blogged before bedtime In an ironic twist of fate I have been hyperfocused on identifying hypomania and depression as found in my blog posts from May 2013 - Now. I started out by listing things. Then I decided to just go all in and create an Excel spreadsheet where I tracked moods on a scale of: -3 super Depressed or extremely exhausted -2 mild/moderatly Depressed or a bit lethargic -1 a bit sad or a bit tired 0 pretty normal 1 a bit speedy (this is what feels "normal" to me), or mildly irritated/anxious 2 driven, moderately energetic or fairly irritated/anxious 3 hypomania-- projects that I cannot stop-- lots of energy, or extremely irritated (See, here is where the idea of me being just a straight-out "Abstract Random" falls to pieces.) As a lay-person I would have to say this does not look like the chart of someone who is Depressed. Nor does it look like someone whose Depression is under control. It was an interesting exercise and made me realize:
1. How often and how long I was sick with sinus infections/fevers 2. How much longer my periods of hypomanic activity lasted than I thought. Grateful Crap: Start of school and I am not having hypomanic feelings of needing to get everything done. (Thanks in large part to the "School Tool Box" that we purchased through the parent group at our school so all of my kids' school supplies are already at school.) Daily Convexions: took meds blogged moderation at Goodwill (and cash-only, which may be my rule there from now on) time outside talk with a friend Found myself very hesitant to tackle any cleaning or organizing tasks until I have a plan to figure out how not to fall prey to the c |
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K. BuchananQuaker, teacher, parent, |