I am adding planny to my vocablogary. Helpy: trying to help or helping in name only while actually causing more work. Example: I thought I could clean the kitchen cupboards but 3yo was being helpy. Or I was trying to help, but ended up being helpy instead. Yelly; yelliness: pointless and loud argumentative noises that May or may not include discernible words. Examples: I had trouble calming down because it was so yelly in the living room. We have all been perpetrators of yelliness at one time or the other. Planny: being so organized and planful that you can't remember what clever clever things you did and now you must start from scratch. Example: I thought I was prepared to present to the class, but I was too planny and couldn't find the right document. Still down today. Still tired afternoon. Not as sick feeling. Humidifier helps. I was hi-fricken-larious in class today. I was a one woman stand-up routine. And I noticed this long ago... At certain levels of depression I make humor into a fantastic defensive weapon. If i play it straight, I don't have to try and fake a smile. If I am making people laugh then I am in control. Triggers stay away. No one asks me what's wrong. Which is nice because I often have no good answer. Of course I also like to make people laugh when I am not depressed. But it feels different then. Feels more like something I am doing with people and not something I am doing to people. Told my co teacher that I was in the Downs. But I do feel like I am gradually returning to what passes for normal. Came up with good plan for bag a day project... Labeled grocery bag for each day of week. Filled Monday today. Now done with declutter for the day. Grateful crap: equilibrium and spell check. But not autocorrect. It wanted coteacher to be "deck udder." I am learning some things that trigger a mood episode for me... Stress at work or home. People yelling. Too much caffeine. Toxic people. Mention of people who are "missing" as the Maasai would say. No longer among the living. Absent. Particularly mention of my friend who chose to leave. Being in the place I last saw her. Hearing her name spoken without warning. And there is a lack of friction in the downward slide of my mood roller coaster. I tilt toward slightly sad and then keep right on going. And talking about the trigger does not help. Because the mood and not the trigger is the problem. It was clear to me today-- the metaphor of the bipolar mood thermostat being broken. The triggers are not the cause of the Downs. They are just the little breeze that knocked me off the cliff. Melodrama and mixed metaphor. Plus I am exhausted and feel ill. Nauseated. Fevery. Shaky. Hermit like. Pulling covers over my head. Step one identity triggers. Step two figure out how to deal with triggers that cannot be avoided. Grateful Took meds I wrote this and it erased. Went to quaker family fun night. It was fun. Points for me. Tomorrow I will speak at Friends Forum at the meetinghouse. Feeling like I am gradually becoming more involved in faith community after taking a few steps back. For a few years.
Okay, still getting tired in the afternoon. Really tired. Slept even though tdaughter didn't. Grateful Crap: friends that my children like in my faith community Daily Convexions: took meds (150mg venlafaxine, 450mg bupropion, 100mg lamotrigine) 30 minutes tap dancing quaker gathering thingy I may be fairly rigid in my use of controlled substances (other than the ever-increasing pharmaceutical stash in my pill-minder) but I think it is a Really Good Thing.
Okay, there is no "may be" in my fairly rigid non-use of controlled substances. I had my last drink some time in mid June? Maybe? I may have another one around December. Or maybe not. Anyway, back on track here... There seems to be a very strong correlation between bipolar and alcoholism. According to some research 14% of people in general will have a problem with alcohol dependence some time in their lives. 50% or more of individuals with bipolar also had an "alcohol use disorder" (I have never heard it called that before.) And naturally, it is much more difficult to treat people for both bipolar an alcohol dependence. Outcomes not as good. May worsen symptoms. Cause rapid cycling.Possibly both conditions genetic. Co-morbidity not well understood. Leads to more and earlier hospitalizations. It is one of my principle goals in life not to be hospitalized for bipolar crap. Either the Ups or the Downs. This is what drives my compliance with my meds. My recent attempts to have a regular schedule. A habit of exercise. Better stress management. Fewer things on my plate. (When people say "You could totally do that!" I don't immediately make plans to jump into whatever new venture they have pointed out.) And now for a short tangent: List of Things I Have Done (not necessarily chronological: babysitter receptionist retail salesperson (fabric) calligrapher (formal fundraising dinner placecards and menus) camp counselor camp director international camp soccer linesman/referee waterfront director/lifeguard telemarketer (1.5 days) data entry specialist data collection (for a graduate study) business systems analyst database programmer copy editor copy-center employee direct-marketing lotions, soaps and cosmetics photographer (kinda-- refused payment though) made/sold
And this only covers things that I have been paid to do. Not my recreational activities or my volunteer-type stuff. I am now exhausted from writing this. Grateful Crap: that I am not currently doing all these things professionally. Even if I really like a lot of them. And I could totally do them. At great expense. Equatorial Actions: took meds (150mg venlafaxine, 450mg bupropion, 100mg lamotrigine) 30 minutes tap GREY AND RAINY OUTSIDE I NEED TO ADD OUTSIDE TIME TO MY LIST OF THINGS TO DO My workout partner needed to go to the gym a bit later than usual. I have become used to having a routine. I might say that I don't like routine, but there is great merit in knowing what is on the schedule. I didn't have anything planned for the morning except going to the gym, so I took the delay as an excuse to begin a mini-project. Only I didn't really go about it in a rational manner. Because instead of limiting the project to a manageable area (like one shelf) or a specific amount of donated material (one bag to go to Goodwill), I decided that I would continue with the "operation kitchen declutter" project until my friend was ready to go. Of course, I didn't know when she would be done. And when she called I looked at the disaster that I had created and realized that I had a lot of work to do just to get the room functional by the time the rest of the family arrived. And the mini project blossomed into a GIANT PROJECT that left me completely exhausted. But at least I don't have any ancient dry goods in my cupboards any more. And I filled a bag with donations from the back of the cupboards. Things I didn't even know we still had. In the afternoon I napped with the daughter. Was 15 minutes late to pick up children from bus stop. Thankfully it was not raining. And there is a rec center building right there if it is raining. And another parent waited with them until I got there. But I didn't know this. Because my phone was on vibrate and I didn't get her call. And I was a nervous wreck. Anxiety ridden. Worst Parent In The World. I left home in time to get to the bus stop (central stop for many different neighborhoods)
I was not energized by the nap with the daughter. I was wrung out. I let the neighbor children come in to play, waited for Spouse to come home and then collapsed. Before dinner I grabbed a 30 minute nap. After dinner I went to bed for the evening. At 10:38 when Spouse came to bed I woke up and realized I needed to take my evening medication. This is when I discovered that I had not taken my morning medication. Including my bupropion. Which is gone from the body within 24 hours. And which acts on Dopamine-- the neurotransmitter chiefly responsible for preventing me from feeling sluggish, groggy and forgetty. Ugh. Once again, don't know if I can entirely blame the drugs, but when the body is used to getting 450mg of bupropion every morning and then one morning it gets none... that seems likely to have some effect. Just like a regular morning cup of coffee does. I got more than 12 hours of sleep last night. And today I feel groggy, irritable, sluggish and forgetty. I took my meds. I will go to tap. I will eat well and go to sleep at a Reasonable Hour. |
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K. BuchananQuaker, teacher, parent, |