I did fall into a deep nap after I returned the children from school. But then I was able to wake up, make dinner and interact with my family. This was a nice change from recent days.
Took the appropriate meds at the appropriate time today. Did not use the happy light today (but I did on Monday and Tuesday).
I will call the doc tomorrow and see if I should be evaluated for sinus something. Or at least to report the headache/sleepiness. That increase in sleepiness seems like the sort of thing I ought to mention. But unfortunately (or fortunately) it occurred at a time when my meds were not quite right.
But once again I feel that I am living in the land of too many variables. It is getting darker and colder and grayer outside. I have not been exercising. I have been eating a steady all-carb diet all the time (the simpler the better). I am sure that being off the bupropion was not a stellar thing either.
It's a theme and variations. I will be on and compliant for some time and then not. And things will be going well for some time and then not. Stupid theme. Stupid variations.
I will choose at this time to blame the sleepiness on the sudden absence of bupropion in my system. Apparently I might also be able to blame the headaches on the sudden absence of bupropion in my system. NAMI (the National Alliance on Mental Illness) lists headache as a possible symptom of coming off bupropion.
So here is the story of why the meds got messed up this time: I forgot that the pharmacy told me I was refilling too soon last time (becuase of my accidental overdosing for ten days). So I went to my clinic pharmacy instead. That took me out of the loop for automatic refill. So I didn't receive a call when I was six days away from running out. And there was not a prescription waiting for me.
I am going to sign up for the mail-order pharmacy. It worked well for me in the past (except that sometimes I would have way too many pills because I had not been compliant for some time and then I felt guilty).
Not feeling particularyl me-like at the moment. But we all have those days, neh? I mean really, when was the last time you felt like me? Ha.
Grateful Crap: pill minder full of all the appropriate medications.
took meds in the morning
that is all; but it is a start
nothing this day went as expected.
regular childcare fell through, but I came up with a backup plan.
backup plan changed several times as other peoples' plans fell apart.
THEN my students contacted me to say they could not attend class anyway. So I took my sleepy self home. Should have napped with girl. Didn't.
Instead I stayed awake, sorted things, looked through knitting patterns, read lesson plans...
And at the end of the day I was in bed by 6:30.
I realize that I resolved to be asleep before 1:30 am. But there is a limit to the whole well-rested thing. This goes beyond that. It does feel like the sleep of the Depressed or the Sinus Infected. And not the sleep of the Reasonable Person.
Picked up meds at the pharmacy. Took the sertraline, but not the bupropion since it was the end of the day and the bupropion can have a stimulant effect. Which looking back might not have been such a bad thing...
I will write very little here. I have chosen an inappropriately summery image for this post. Because I don't have anything seasonal. Because it is the ugly season. I need to shape up that attitude and get my butt outside.
Ummm... I think I fed the children on the way home from school and then fell asleep before my children did. Very fuzzy icky headachey. Persistent. Causing spouse to say I should call doctor. Which I likely will.
But I discovered that when I thought I was about to run out of my sertraline i was actually about to run out of my allergy medication and had not been medicating for my Depression for possibly as many as seven days. It is hard to tell with these spotty posts.
I broke out the happy light. I called to have my prescriptions refilled. I slept.
no meds; no convexions. Blah.
Don't let people tell you that it is. It's fine to spend half an hour looking through old blog post to make sure that you don't repeat a picture and then PANIC because you see how many times you have already repeated pictures.
And then spend another half hour looking through photos to find one that has for SURE not been used. Eventually hitting upon one that is not a favored photo in any way and cannot possibly have been used.
I am being facetious. I do have a problem with perfectionism. And I have a problem with perfectionism.
Today I went to meeting. I had some unpleasant flashbacks of feeling unwelcome because my child(ren) made the normal noises that child(ren) make. It did not derail me, however. Which was good.
My older two were perfectly silent and the youngest did not come in to the meeting room. This only freaked me out a little bit because I didn't know what the plan was. Turns out that she was downstairs playing with some of the other young kids since the word on the street was that I didn't want her brought in to meeting.
This is technically true.
But what it really is... is that I don't want her to be unwelcome in the meeting.
I don't want anyone to roll their eyes at me if she talks in an unquiet voice. I don't want people to glare at her. I don't want to be approached by anyone telling me that she is not welcome in the meeting room because she is a distraction. And I do not want her (and me) to be the subject of snide comments and sidelong glances.
This makes it sound like the quakers are a dreadful crew. And they aren't. They are fab. That is why I like hanging with them.
I am just oversensitized to the issue of disruptive noises that children make because I was confronted by people on this issue while at a particularly low point in my Depression.
And now I am better, and could better handle any friction caused by her "vocal ministry."
So in fact, the case is not that I don't want her brought to meeting. I do want her brought to meeting. So, we are going to try that again. I am ready. Naturally I cannot go to meeting next week because I have a family obligation. This after I rallied my troops over the issue.
STILL DO NOT HAVE MY BUPROPION and I forgot to take my allergy meds this morning. At least I did the sertraline. I cannot remember the generic name for prozac, which bothers me for some reason. Now I will go check: fluoxetine.
Grateful Crap: really having a lovely faith community and supportive people all around.
went to meeting
spent time with family
put together a toddler bed
purchased lingonberry jam
took some of my meds in the morning
and thought mournfully of the meds that I did not take
Here are the frayed edges of my current coping with the whole Depression crap...
So here is a thought: perhaps the decrease in sunlight is having an effect on me. I have an unused happy light. I even know where it is.
Today (okay, technically yesterday since this is a back-dated post) sun rose at 7:12 and set at 4:43. This gives me 9.5 hours of potential daylight. Of course, I am not outside for most of that time. And it has been quite cloudy for many of the days lately.
I donated a truckload of stuff today with the help of a friend. And another friend's truck.
I estimated it at 9 bags, but it was three bags and bigger furniture items and outgrown toys. I am really racking up the bag count early on here. It is not just in case I lose momentum later on. I have had many things sorted into bags that need to go and then I HAVE MISPLACED THESE BAGS among the bags and boxes of things that need to stay but have no permanent home. Sad, sad, homeless items.
I notice a difference in the available floorspace in my home. It makes me very happy. I am trying to avoid donating things that other people are still using. I have already messed up on this once. But not on purpose.
Grateful Crap: that lighter feeling I had after emptying the truck.
took some meds
realized I was out of the other ones and tried to get them... but they weren't at the pharmacy. I must call on Monday.
talked with a friend
emptied out parts of the garage and donated a ton of stuff
I need to take pictures this weekend. I can't remember which ones I have used for the blog and I haven't shot anything since going to the North Shore. Which was October 18. Sheesh. A whole month. I am fairly certain that is true. It could be a lie. I haven't uploaded any pictures since then, at any rate.
Went to a teacher training today on mental health. Because for my recertification I need to prove that I have done continuing education in the area of identifying early onset mental illness.
We went through some activities of "unpacking our stress backpacks" or something like that. Do we carry too much stuff? Do we try to do to much? What can/should we give up or delegate?
I found that when I added together my estimate of all the things that I engage in daily (averaged throughout the week) it added up to 23.5. And that was only if I gave myself six hours of sleep. Which-- between you and me- is really not enough.
I looked at my list. What could I give up? I already gave up choir and coaching Lego League. I gave up serving on the First Day School committee at my Quaker Meeting. I gave up spending time with people who cause me stress (this does NOT mean that if I haven't seen you recently you are a person who causes me stress).
So, I decided that what I really needed to do was delegate. The problem is I am a terrible control freak. Or I am a really good control freak, depending on your point of view. This is one of the many reasons that I have not been drunk or done any illicit drugs. That lack of control is not appealing to me in the least.
I came to the conclusion that if I could just delegate sleep. Or the time it takes to get from one place to another. Then I might have enough time to do all the things that I already do.
What could I stop doing if I had additional stress? I had to care for a sick child, or recuperate from a broken limb...
I could arrange for someone else to drive the children to and from school (maybe).
I could stop doing "recreational prep." That is what I call it when I spend 3 or 4 hours making plans for a one-hour class. It is fun (occasionall) and I learn something from it (always), but it is not exactly a sustainable teaching model.
I can't give up blogging. Because the days that I skip I feel worse. I feel the ability to backslide. The temptation of letting go. Not DOING anything deliterious to myself, you understand. Just doing much LESS. Less thinking, less feeling, less connecting. Less accountability for being me.
Grateful Crap: back on the posting wagon-- not going to beat myself up over occasional lapses. The whole "perfect is the enemy of good."
took meds in the morning (but ran out of bupropion today and will run out of sertraline in a few days. will refill tomorrow)
spent some time with family
Garage door broke. Toddler-bed frame is ikea-size instead of crib-size.
I so hoped that one night of rest and abstinence from my carousing and various and sundry racous ways would banish the headache. Alas, it was not so. Headache lasted all day and into the night.
I missed band practice because I could not play horn, sit next to the percussion section, or keep my eyes open in order to drive.
Once again to bed before 9pm. Slept until 7 am.
Took meds. If I took them on time yesterday, I did not take them on time today. And vice versa.
Slept instead of posting. Good call, but I still felt GUILTY. My inner prefectionist was screaming impotenetly through the night. I slept through it.
Tried to post from bed with kindle fire. It did not work. It was loooooong day. Worked from 10:00 am to 8:00 pm. Then came home and crashed. I tried to read something or watch something, but really I just fell asleep on the kindle with my earbuds in. Happily I did not strangle myself in my sleep.
Took meds... I can't remember if it was morning or night. I think it was night.
Opted to sleep instead of post. Good Call.
many parts of today were not how i wanted them to be. i will not list those parts. but it is hard not to do so. feeling blech.
cat hair growing in aquarium. guppies dying left and right. at least the plecostemus has something to eat.
phone keeps going on walkabout unless i am teaching when it rings very loudly in some forgotten pocket of my purse (whose name is clyde. the purse, not the phone. that would be silly).
did not take meds in the morning. wanted not to post again because i missed posting for two days in a row. and i forgot to take meds this morning. so clearly it is time to call the whole thing off. (much sarcasm dripping from page)
today while giving my son a violin lesson i said, "that is coming along very well... it isn't perfect..." and he interrupted me to say that he didn't want it to be perfect. because perfect is stressful and horrible and wrong. he wanted it to improve, but not be perfect.
at least i am outsmarted by the child whose age is in double-digits.
one of my students today didn't want to come to class becuase she missed two days of class and she didn't want to face me or her fellow students. clearly it was time for her to call the whole thing off as well. (more drippy sarcasm)
now someone behind me is reading about dust mites and fleas and showing me magnified pictures of the beasts. i knew that allowing the children access to reading material or even the alphabet was a mistake. (only slightly sarcastic)
all this is falling apart into letters that just sit there on the page and then fall down into a puddle and become flkuwa'lkn xxcmle.
(don't worry. i am fine. just one of those moments, you know?)
I meant to post this day... but I didn't. I spent much of the day in manic decluttering mode. I tackled some part of the house or other. It is kind of a blur at this point. It could have been the kitchen. Or some other place. The kids' room, maybe? That sounds right. Their room seems miraculously liveable sudd
I then engaged in recreational woodworking. Not even that, really. Recreational furtniture assembly. We got a new/old kitchen table.
It came with the wrong hardware.
I went to the hardware store to get the proper hardware and spent 2.5 hours and exhausted the knowledge of two different employees. And still left with something that was not quite right. Home at 10 pm I chose not to post.
But I took my meds in the morning.
And I think I had tea with a friend on the day before-- you know, day 3. One of those days. I want to be more helpful to her, but our schedules are not allowing that to happen. I'll do the Quaker thing of holding her in the light. Even if the prayer-like thing doesn't do her any good directly, the keeping her present in my thoughts will make it more likely that I will eventually connect with her.
I hate being this behind on posting. Now I get to post the real day's stuff. Today. Instead of making up stuff for the last 2 days. Ugh.
Quaker, teacher, parent,