The other day a friend pounded on my kitchen window, calling out: "Put down the beads!" Which was probably one of the few times that day that I was not actually beading.
This past week was quite trying. Spouse was out of town for part of it. Daughter was sick. I was super anxious about job-stuff and then just stuff in general. Because once you are anxious, you can be anxious about absolutely anything.
I have been doing a better than average job of checking my email (although I realize the bar is set pretty low for my previous average-- which could involve 3,000+ unread emails).
This greater attention to communication does have its downsides, though. For the very reasons that I feared it in the first place.
When I am not doing so well (one way or the other) or even when things are going along just fine-- I have no idea what might be a trigger for me. And I don't' want to look at the messages coming my direction in case any of them induce some wildly inconvenient mood reaction.
Here's what it felt like this past week:
I would keep myself busy and mindless with beading projects to avoid panic.
Then, when I eventually felt normal enough to resume real life activities, I would check my email and something there would cause another anxiety spiral.
Now, let me be clear: I am placing no kind of blame at all on the people sending messages that wig me out. Often the things that cause the most anxiety are not even directed at me, specifically. And even I don't know what is going to cause me conniptions. And sometimes I need to know things even if they are super stressful to me. I just need to figure out how to manage them. (This sentence has too many pronouns in it.)
I slept very little in the early part of the week. Now I am swinging in the other direction and feel like I could sleep all day, all night, and then some.
Daughter is still sick. Sons are feeling sick. I am 'super tirade' as I accidentally texted to Spouse.
I met with my boss and even though she had no more information than I already had, I was able to get my anxiety better under control after talking to her.
One good point she made is that every year there is uncertainty over what/where I will be teaching. (And admittedly it does cause me a certain amount of trepidation, but nothing like this recent bout) The only added stress is knowing that this year there will be staffing cuts.
When I write this down, it doesn't sound as reassuring as it felt. Maybe just the message of being able to successfully deal with ambiguity without imploding.
I think the biggest worry for me was that if I were no longer employed where I am, I could not see myself doing anything else. And that scared me. My head was so focused on the world of Adult Basic Education and ESL that I was completely confounded by the idea of doing anything else.
Once I was able to imagine myself in other work situations (no matter how unlikely that might seem to anyone else) I felt less panicked.
P.S. I needed to have my blood pressure checked by doctor. Who very politely told me that he would like to see my body mass index closer to the healthy range. Because even the loss of three pounds had been shown to have a positive impact on blood pressure. And will help avoid getting diabetes. Which would be a bonus. And I am not being sarcastic when I say he handled this conversation politely. I was impressed.
Much better than the midwife who greeted me by saying, "Well, you know your old. And you're fat." when I showed up for my first prenatal.
Grateful Crap: blood pressure in normal range after spiking earlier in the week
blog (I am trying to get back to daily, honest)
talked to friends
Quaker, teacher, parent,