I feel like I need to reassure people. Or not whine. I feel like I am missing the up parts of my ups and downs. But I'm afraid to reflect on this and I don't want to tell people that. Why do I write? Because I want this. I want to remember what this felt like and why.
Because somewhere I have faith that I will feel Better in the future and then I can look back on what this felt like and remember that this too was truth. In fact there are times now that I feel better. Just not right before I write. Or not for long enough that there is much to write about? I am fueled with tea and candy. I exercise by sleeping with all my muscles tensed. Is it any wonder I'm not doing well? I am self-indulgent and whiny. I am not doing the things that I wrote this blog to do. I am not holding myself accountable. I am not doing anything but popping pills in an attempt to control my mental illness. I AM TIRED OF HAVING A MENTAL ILLNESS. But here's the thing. Even if I didn't have a mental illness, I would still need to take care of myself. So I should just stop being whiny. I should make an appointment to talk to Glinda the possibly-good witch. She seemed nice enough. I should call my Psych NP. She doesn't know what meds I'm taking now. I marked my arm with my fingernails yesterday. Truth in advertising. Not advocating for self harm. And it's not like this is very harmful. Just a little painful. Thought I should put that here. Maybe. I don't know. I don't even want to write about what this does for me--this habit of scraping my skin absentmindedly--because it is not something I do as an adult. Only three times. Once this year. Once last year. Once just before my bipolar diagnosis. I'm trying to write this more often. The thing I am doing ALL THE TIME now is reading books on Wattpad. It's like fishing. You have to be prepared to catch nothing worth keeping. There are so many REALLY REALLY BAD books on Wattpad and I am always reading and reading and trying to find the good ones. A process I find really enjoyable for whatever reason. I am made of tea and candy. It's a good thing I don't do drugs. Or I would do all of them. 200 mg lamotrigine 20 mg lurasidone 10 mg fluoxetine Comments are closed.
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K. BuchananQuaker, teacher, parent, |