In this image you can see lovely little disembodied heads with what is meant to represent the entire range of my bipolar spectrum of moodiness. And I am sad to report that I think I'm stuck further over to the right than I would like to be.
Here is a brief tour of the rating scale:
I think at the minute I am in a mood episode of extended hypomania. As always it is difficult for me to tease apart what is my personality and what is my disorder... I don't do unscheduled well. And I tend to vacillate between DOING EVERYTHING and doing nothing.
Here are the ways I am not doing well
Feelings of nameless creeping dread about college classes that I am taking. Didn't help that I binged and did a TON of assignments for one of the classes and apparently misunderstood the directions and got a Bad Grade on it. That made me really freak out and spiral out on this for a while. Did not help that the class had DISAPPEARED from my online portal. Very happily, the prof was reachable almost right away and fixed that problem (had an incorrect class ending date) AND will let me redo the assignment that was not actually due for a week. And even with the Bad Grade I still have an A in the class. Nevertheless, had I not been able to reach the prof on Saturday I would probably still be completely freaking out about this.
CLEANING THE HOUSE - THE SCATTERSHOT METHOD
Need to clean the house in preparation for exchange student staying with us. So I obsessively cleaned PART of living room for a few days. And then PART of the kitchen for a few days. And then PART of my bedroom. And PART of daughter's bedroom.
So nothing is done. And then instead of completing any of those things, put out a "bagster" that I filled with junk from basement hallway and playroom and furnace room and garage and construction debris. But it all needs to be done. And it feels like it all must be done by me. And right now. Or yesterday.
ALL AND NOTHING
Don't have time to do anything but __________. Whatever bit of activity I am involved with. Beading or homework or cleaning or gardening. Can't be bothered to do other things. Kinda scared at the idea of doing other things, actually. So if I have energy, I am in motion. When I run out (as I must periodically do) I collapse.
I IN NO WAY WANT TO DO ANYTHING FUN OR SPEND TIME WITH ANYONE FOR RECREATIONAL PURPOSES
And now for the "fair and balanced" approach I will list the ways in which I am doing well...
So all in all I really don't think I am doing poorly. And I know what I could do to kind of come out of this mood episode somewhat gracefully I think. Or maybe not. I don't know. The problem is the time crunch I think. It feels to me like the summer is coming to an end and that I have to do all the summer projects by myself and in one week. And that feeling fuels the hypomanic side. I'm afraid that if I calm down I won't get anything done. And neither will anyone else. And then horrible things will happen.
Quaker, teacher, parent,