So in the past it was SKAM, the Norwegian teenage drama that I couldn't stop watching. Again and again. And again. Now I am stuck on watching sappy Korean/Japanese/Chinese romance. I confess I had trouble getting to sleep most nights and I would go to bed at a reasonable hour, but then watch 2 or 3 hour-long episodes of something I needed to read subtitles on.
Of course, one might argue that I was having trouble sleeping BECAUSE I was watching something with bright flashing lights in front of my face and a scrolling line of English script that required my attention. But who asked you anyway.
Spouse thinks that I should put a meditation app on my phone that will do guided meditation for me to listen to when I am having trouble falling asleep. Only whenever I have tried guided meditation it has really pissed me off. Maybe I'm doing it wrong.
After 3 crying jags in the last week, I finally managed to call psych NP to schedule a meds check. Because (no surprise to anyone who has seen my posts or my utter lack of posts) I don't think my current meds are up to snuff in terms of treating my Depression.
I'd been bugging my co-teacher to call about her own health issues. I even went so far as to try emotional blackmail... telling her that her lack of self-care was starting to affect my quality of life. Apparently that worked, because the following day she scheduled multiple appointments for herself.
"Happy?" she glared at me.
So I responded by getting on the phone and scheduling my own self-care.
"Happy?" I glared back.
New nebulous part of my job is stressful because I don't know if I'm doing it right. And there are some people who think I should do more and some people who think I should do less and I want to please everyone but I am already letting it take up more of my life than it really should.
Stress over this was a contributing factor in several of the crying jags.
After receiving one inflammatory email I kind of put my head on my desk and pulled my hair so it stood on end in tangled blue strands. Medusa. Co-teacher said it looked like I was melting down and advised me not to do so.
Which kind of worked.
I have taken the following actions:
Started taking lurasidone (which Psych NP wants me to take when the Downs overtake me).
Called Psych NP for meds check.
One day this week I woke up at 3:30 and couldn't get back to sleep. So I watched a Chinese TV show. And then when I got up I took the lurasidone at breakfast. Which is a Bad Plan because it makes me Tired.
This was the day of said inflamatory melt-down email. But I was able to handle it a little better. I think it was the combination of sleep deprivation (which can have short-term positive effects on Depression... but is not sustainable as a long-term solution) and the perhaps psychosomatic effect of the lurasidone. Even though I am certain that it does not start working that fast.
In general that day knocked me on my ass. Felt terrible. Super exhausted. Unable to deal with anyone or anything. Or even think about leaving the house. But I didn't become a fountain of tears.
Now I am trying to take the lurasidone with dinner. What I didn't like about it before was that it made me SOOOOO tired that I had to take it right before bed. And I needed to take it with 350 calories. So I was having trouble not overeating on a daily basis.
We'll see if I can be somewhat functional from dinner until bedtime if I take it with my evening meal. Except on days when I have band because I tried that before and I should NOT have driven home because I could barely stay awake while playing French horn. I drove with the windows down and the radio blaring, singing at the top of my lungs to remain alert.
Grateful Crap: watching my EL kids play soccer. They are really good. And super happy when I come to the games.
going to soccer games
talking to friends/Friends
reading comments from F/friends on FB without getting sucked in to all the other parts of FB
200 mg lamotrigine (need to refill today. not entirely certain how faithful I have been)
20 mg lurasidone
I think I will only take meds that start with L.
But even their brand names are L (lamictal and latuda)
P.S. Elder Boy struggling with school again. See last year when my Depression sucked. February? It is a link I would rather not have. Not sure if there is causation. But it still sucks.
Quaker, teacher, parent,