So I had a mostly okay time for most of the day. A few things didn't go quite the way I wanted to, but not a big deal.
There was some misunderstanding surrounding technology with a fellow teacher that kind of flummoxed both of us. I was not as early to class as I wanted to be.
My meeting ran longer than I thought it would so I was the one to drive in the 90 degree heat to pick up children from school instead of going home to relinquish our single car to the spouse for carpooling purposes.
Which meant that I was the one waiting waiting waiting forever for my children to come out of the school. And they didn't come out. And they didn't come out. And they didn't come out. So finally I turned off my car to go see where they were. And I was the one who stayed to help a friend when she could not find her child.
Spoilers: her child is fine and we found him. But it was very distressing for the forty-five minutes it took to locate the poor six year old. He had mistakenly gotten caught up in the confusion of children (you know, like a flock of birds, or a herd of sheep) who were marched on to a bus.
This, for some reason, is what I have chosen to focus my depressed mood on. Not my child, not my problem, not happening right now. But I am sad about it. Really stupidly unrelentingly sad. Not crying sad, but just that morose brooding teenager kind of sad, where I want to paint my room black and listen to depressing music by great singer-song writers playing acoustical guitar.
And I at once for breakfast (home-made bread, a pear and milk) and then nothing for the rest of the day until 6 pm. Nor did I drink anything. Poor planning. Poor, poor planning. Pack a lunch. Pack a snack. Pack a water bottle.
So by the time 6 pm rolled around and I had been unintentionally fasting for ten hours (!) I made some poor food choices. Is anyone surprised? 'Cause I am not. Dinner included cherry coke, a cookie and some M&Ms (which I don't even like). And as a side dish I had a slice of pizza, but sugar was certainly the main course.
The whole time I was driving home from the sad after school incident I couldn't stop thinking about chocolate soft serve ice cream. I wonder if self-medicating with alcohol works the same way. If the sugars from alcohol have the same affect on dopamine.
Idle curiosity. I do not plan to take up alcoholism as a way to treat my Depression.
Sad sad sad stupidy sad. I don't like this. Regular anhedonia feelings were better. This is more icy and sinky than that was. More pit in your stomach like you forgot to study and there is a pop quiz.
Grateful Crap: That I probably will not feel like this tomorrow.
took meds (150mg sertraline, 300mg bupropion) - also called and left message with triage person to see if I can increase
wrote my blog entry
called to make an appointment to see clinical psychiatric nurse practitioner.
Now I am going to watch something that will make me laugh and then go to bed.
Quaker, teacher, parent,