Stop regarding man
in whose nostrils is breath
for of what account is he
My phone battery died so I decided to read the Bible.
Psalms was Spouse’s first guess. His second guess was Isaiah. Darker.
I don’t frequently read my bible. Especially when not researching for writing.
What is more laughable than a crisis of faith from the faithless?
A friend asked if I thought belief in god was total crap. I may be paraphrasing. No. I don’t. It’s just not accessible to me.
I envy a belief in god. Just can’t imagine having such belief. It seems like it would be of great comfort.
Time is moving faster than it ought to. Already it will be thanksgiving next week.
awake at 4:12 with 5 hours of sleep.
i am a Christian Quaker atheist/nontheist
upset because god is not on speaking terms with me.
recurrent thought this morning like a mantra not a message:
Shortest bible verse in King James bible. Talking about Lazarus.
Cheery morning thus far.
Friday I spent all afternoon standing in a loud gymnasium with 600 students. And it was loud.
I had earplugs in. I also supplied them to my own home room kids. Ha. Still loud. And out of routune.
Is this part of the reason that I slept all day Saturday and still fell asleep by 8:30?
This blog is becoming nothing but a sleep journal. What a yawn. Ha.
Went to Quaker meeting today. So calm with no messages... no need to rise and speak or sing. I think I nodded off at some point.
Did this concern me? Yes and no.
In the past 14 years I have had many many meetings in which I did not deliver vocal ministry. Stretches of silence that did not concern me.
Only recently the messages have been so regular that their sudden absence is noteworthy.
So I wonder if I only hear the Light when I am Sick. Or under-medicated at least.
To my knowledge I have never had hallucinations... unless that is what vocal ministry is for me.
I hope not.
Today I thought what if that is okay. What if I only am given messages when I am at my worst. Isn’t that when I might need them most?
However, if I am just delivering raving babbles or singing songs that speak to no one else...
then I’m just the crazy relative that no one wants to sit next to at thanksgiving.
Who has 9 cats.
And talks about herself in the third person.
And there is no reason to speak even if the need should arise.
I can bite my tongue.
I can stay seated.
I can quake within and not make a sound.
I don’t want to be eldered.
I don’t want to be told that my voice should remain silenced.
Don’t want to be fired.
Maybe I should quit.
this is my new normal. Wake each morning by 4:30. I don’t get up.
I try to sleep again. Or I watch Chinese tv so my mind doesn’t race with anxious thoughts.
I don’t wake with my heart racing. I just wake.
i also fall asleep fully clothed before 9:00 pm. Before I even take the medication that knocks me on my ass.
I am spending less time being be. More time being asleep.
I will report this to psych NP. Pretty sure it coincides with adding on escitalopram. Sleep disturbances. Supposed to be insomnia. Not this.
Awake again. 4:26 am.
I feel like I’m missing posts I know I wrote. I just spent an hour sifting through old posts to see if I could find out when a friend had died.
I even wrote on purpose poetry. And I figured out that she died in 2014 in March. But I can’t find anything but a passing mention that she had passed.
I don’t know why I was searching for posts about my friend. But I was. And they are not there.
Sone time I will have to write about her again. Maybe I never did. Maybe it was too private. Maybe... I don’t know.
I’ve got racing hamster wheel anxiety thoughts. Spouse asked how I was and I was anxious. Not about anything in particular.
But school stuff. Related to student stuff. Good stuff and bad stuff. Things I have or have not or will or will not do.
I worry about them. My students. Much more in many ways than I worry about my own children.
Because I know my kids are safe and have two loving parents at least one of whom is very dependable. And the other one is not harmful. And definitely good for a laugh.
But my anxious thoughts are just random eddies. Not focused on any one student or interaction or thought. It’s like flipping channels. And it won’t stop.
Unless I am filling the void with something else. Not anything thoughtful or meditative because then the racing thoughts overtake me.
Mostly binge watching escapist television. Books would work too but I’m afraid they would eat my life even more.
This could definitely be meds related. Hyped up on too much antidepressant. Or it could just be me.
Lately I have thought it might be nice to be drunk. Another way to stop the racing thoughts maybe.
Only I won’t.
Because meds. And because control freak. And having not been drunk before I guess it’s not something I need to find out that I like.
Because what if I do?
Wouldn't it be terrible to discover that my bipolar driven anxiety could be well controlled by inebriation?
It it seems appealing at the moment.
But the only booze in the house is some port of a variety I don’t like, some expired Baileys Irish creme and an open bottle of merlot long gone to vinegar.
Drunkenness would be a challenge.
And going to the store with a goal of getting drunk seems a bit too premeditated an idea to survive the trip in the car it would take me to buy any alcohol.
My heart is beating too fast.
I need to to bake a chocolate cake.
The house is a mess.
My hair needs more blue in it. The dye is fading to green.
Thank goodness elder boy wants a low key lunch with just us for birthday. 16 today.
I miss my students. I like to know where they are. I like to know they are safe. I feel more like me when I’m at school.
It is a job with set parameters. More or less.
Not like this. Not mother daughter spouse friend. I don’t know how I am doing at those but I don’t think well.
My thoughts are faster and more scattered than yours.
I’ll race you.
slept last night groom 6:30. Dizzy nauseous headache. Mostly dizzy. Like somersaults inside my eyes.
now awake 3:42.
missed my pm meds.
As gauged by willingness to attend band rehearsal.
1. Ready to leave house early. Have eaten dinner. Food is prepared for other people. I sing a merry tune as I skip out the door. I come home a bit wired after practice.
2. Spend time before rehearsal closeted in my room. Scarf down some snack before running out the door late. Other people must fend for themselves. Count the minutes until rehearsal is done. Return home exhausted.
3. Come home from school and lock myself in my dark room cocooned in the covers. Cannot leave the house. Will not interact with others.
When I have forced myself to go to rehearsal in this state, it resulted in crying jag throughout. And it is hard to play horn while crying.
Corresponding to these stages are the stages of planned inhalations... because when playing a wind instrument you have to breathe. Deeply. In places in the music that are fixed. Breathing is not optional. Breathing shallowly or quickly or randomly is not possible.
1. I am calmed by taking deep measured breaths. It feels like meditation. Like group worship in the Quaker sense. A good rehearsal can be like a gathered meeting.
2. I am pissed off that I have to take deep breaths as marked. I don’t want to. It seems like an imposition.
At the breath marks, at the raised baton... I find myself gritting my teeth. Who are you to tell me when to breathe? A level of in unwished for micromanagement.
3. Breathing is too much to ask of me. I just want to stop.
I thought I was double dosing in the escitalopram. The reverse of the dosage issue I had with the lamotrigine. But I wasn’t.
Spouse picked up a pill minder for me. I put all my am and pm pills in.
wide awake 4:39 am with headache on left side. I wonder if I made mistake with escitalopram dosage. Need to check. Manic symptom includes decreased inclination for sleep. So tracking that. Cuz like with any antidepressants it can provoke mania. Effing bipolar.
Quaker, teacher, parent,