I'm still here. I'm still teaching. I'm still writing. I'm even making some monies from my writing on Tapas and Radish. So that's cool. I'm still not dealing real well with pandemic stuff. But that's just not news. I'm compliant with my meds. My family is well. I'm not a "healthy weight" but whatever. I got a tattoo that I adore. It's related to BTS because even if one day in the future they don't loom so large in my life, they did at a crucial juncture and I love the art. I spend most of my time writing, some of it reading, and am crap at staying in contact with anyone IRL. Sorry, folks. P.S. the LY stands for Love Yourself. Silver lining. Both of my favorite restaurants that burned during the "civil unrest" following the killing of George Floyd last spring? NOW OPEN in alternate locations for takeout.
Other than that, things are same. Still home. Still teaching. Still crap at staying in touch with people. sucks. because what am I going to say? still being careful. still haven't seen many/any of you irl. still sad that i can't see my students. still living with bipolar.
people who don't have preexisting mental health crap are having to deal with it now. one kid i'm close to is hospitalized for mental health reasons for 3-5 weeks. thankful that they are safe. pissed off at whatever landed them there. i have mismanaged my meds. same old story, but the pandemic version. knew i was gonna run out of my add-on antidepressants so instead of calling the pharmacy about the mixup and dealing with that rigamarole, i hoarded my meds and stopped taking them. not sure when i started that. a while ago. and then apparently i waited so long to have a regularly scheduled appointment with my psych NP (over a year!?!) that i have to apply as a new patient. and she is retiring. so i need to start with someone new. i have been such an advocate for cooperating with a team of medical health professionals to manage serious mental health crap. and i have not been cooperating. and i have no team. during a f*cking pandemic. work is stressful. i miss my kids. i'm not a good online teacher. i'm tired of being tech support. i'm also afraid that the new skills i'm learning will make me a crappier teacher irl. like i will forget how to teach in a real life setting. i won't be able to recognize students on site. they will have to text me and i will recognize them by how informal their language is online. children not doing so well. kind of well. they don't see their friends. well, oldest doesn't. we have encouraged some socially distant contact, but it hasn't happened. they game online at least. that's cool. i have been off FB for months. i can't stand to see what people are posting. if they are happy and optimistic it will piss me off. if they are sad and realistic it will bring me down. there is no appropriate way to deal with me. everything makes me cry. still love BTS. still thankful for my new bestie in Finland because it is such a joy to have someone living their fairly normal life away from this sh*t. and okay, their fairly normal life is only normal if you consider living north of the arctic circle in pretty extreme isolation normal. they do see people. they work at a resort. wish i could go there. doom scrolling is my bad hobby. i am terrified or upcoming election regardless of result. i don't want to live in this country but see no options. like it or leave it appeals to me, but where could i go? no one will have us. this cheerful post brought to you by me. still exist. now with purple hair. In the summers I don't get out of bed for hours and hours. My children spend too much time on the computer. I always think I should go outside more often. But I don't. I should make my children practice piano/go outside/help around house etc. But I don't. I should make actual meals for myself and others. But I don't. I have no energy or inclination to do anything. I hate leaving the house. I don't want to see people or talk to them. If I see people or talk to them they will want to know what/how I am doing and I'd rather not reflect on that. Not that I'm doing poorly. I'm just not working right now and if they are I'll feel like I should be accomplishing Great Things. What else am I supposed to do with my time? Great Things. Not this. I don't realize how much time has passed until Spouse comes back from work. EXCEPT This summer Spouse is not at work. Work is here. And my isolation--while something that I typically enjoy (?) require (?) dunno... Anyway, this isolation is being foisted on everyone because of covid. And I would HATE IT if I were alone in my house. Honestly. I just need to be alone in my house while other people are nebulously here elsewhere. And then I need to see them. But only my people. Nobody else. I'm not an actual hermit. I just have a very small social circle. You may have realized this if you are one of the millions of people that I never see. Remember it's not that I don't like you. I like person, I don't like people. And the thought of getting myself together enough to be able to be presentable and not look like a total mess is exhausting even if I love you to pieces. Which I probably do. I mean, I love a lot of y'all. Feel that from afar. And I'm sorry I'm not more demonstrative. It's just kinda hard for me right now. And a lot of the time, I guess. Sorry. I miss my students less now. Because I don't need to miss them in the summer. I am used to not seeing them. Funny. I thought I'd miss them more and more as time went on. Nope. Of course, in the fall when everything sucks and I don't get to greet them in person for the new school year I'm pretty sure that is going to wreck me big time. I'll have to plan for that. In hand news... I am still experiencing numbness in my pinky and ring finger left hand. I need to have an EMG/nerve conduction study. Not too excited about that. It has gotten better. Just not gone. I hate it. VERY glad that work is covering this. I thought it was just gonna be a little annoying for a few weeks and go away. Not that it would be somewhat debilitating for months. I mean, I can use the things now. Just have to be careful. When I went out and did a bunch of weeding in the garden my hands ached for A LONG TIME. I have very very wimpy hands. Tendons seldom happy. I got a new computer for the first time in forever. I'd been using a cheap chrome book for the last 4 years or so. Splurged and got a grown-up computer. It's so nice. Here is what my new computer's predictive text thinks I want to say: "The new version of this is a good game but I think the new one was the first one I got." The tree in front of our house needs to come down. It's an old maple tree and about half of it flopped over on to our roof. Which is not ideal. I continue to work on my creative writing stuff. I'm doing a lot more editing of my first YA novel that I "finished" last year. I queried a handful of agents and then decided to work on it some more before trying to put it out in the world. My Open Novella Competition novel on Wattpad made it to the shortlist (I think it's like 60 stories down from thousands) so that's cool. I continue to be a diehard BTS stan. My bias is Jimin and V is my bias wrecker. See how I just used a bunch of K-pop lingo. Yeah, I'm so cool like that. I will now NOT gush over how much I like their music and what it means to me. See? Such restraint. There was no graduation ceremony at my school this year. But I did get invited to one student's graduation celebration. And I literally couldn't not go. I've been his teacher for all five years that I've been teaching at my school. I had to go. (Even though I hadn't even seen my own parents-- but that's also because I'm a Bad Daughter.) I figured that the risks were acceptable. There was unlikely to be anyone over the age of 60. Plus the chances that I have covid are very very very slim (given my hermit-like existence). And I figured that nobody was going to come within 6 feet of the blue-haired white lady. Correct. Plus he texted me three times to make sure that I was gonna be there. It was a perfect way-- as perfect as possible-- to end a crappy school year. I only saw a handful of kids that I knew. And only 2 of them who go to my school. But it wasn't trying to be a graduation ceremony so it didn't feel fake. And it made me happy that he wanted me there. Maybe this summer for a while when people ask me how I am doing I will stop talking only about my students. How am I doing? Okay. Getting outside most days. Not too sunk in Depression. Don't think. Certainly not manic. And... this was followed by me going for an accidental-on-purpose 3 hour long walk and getting nothing else done. I was in a foul mood. I just wanted to walk forever. But instead I walked until Dairy Queen and then came home. In a kind of round-about fashion. I'm not gonna walk tomorrow.
Last day of "school" today. Then summer. Whatever that means now. I have not been part of any of the awesome community clean-ups or the peaceful protests. I am there in spirit. But I feel completely lame for giving my reasons. Excuses. Flimsy.
Crowds (even peaceful ones) scare the crap out of me. I am socially distancing for covid. Like... a lot. I am super conservative. The idea of interacting with strangers causes me to feel physically ill. In fact, I have been feeling quite physically ill. Spouse keeps making me take my temperature and I'm coughing all night. Which sounds bad. But I don't have a temp and the cough really is just asthma/allergies. But I am so tired. And nauseous. And I only want to sleep. I missed one day of walking because I couldn't make myself get out of bed. I told myself I felt too sick. I'm not sure if that was true. I mean, I'm pretty sure the sick feeling is all psychosomatic. Selfishly personal positive things:
Apologies. But... the town just across the river, the Twin of my Twin Cities is on fire. The neighborhood where my kids went to preschool... where a number of F/friends live is being torched and looted. Peaceful protests giving way to violent mobs.
It's not about me. I have nothing to say. No right to say anything. Except effing thoughts and prayers. But... I guess I want this nothing post as a placeholder. When I look back over my blog and I'm wondering what happened... like if my mental health takes a big hit... I can be aware that this was an inciting factor? Not gonna get into discussions of the reasons or the causes or the rights and the wrongs. Everything about this sucks. Every Thing. For everyone. For some more than others. This puts acute trauma on top of the chronic trauma we were already experiencing. Again, much much worse for some than others. can close my eyes and turn away from the news and be blissful ignorant. I am privilege. I know. F*ck. I gotta remember this. A mantra. Things don't stay the same. So when everything feels like it sucks, that is temporary. But when you are in the suckage, it doesn't feel temporary, you know? And this morning, my brain is focused on all the should-haves. I should have done a better job of... Mostly helping my offspring. Elderboy is experiencing a lot of the same symptoms I am. The Depression kind. And I feel like I should have recognized earlier. And the symptoms for him of not completing work or being overwhelmed or staring off into space instead of... doing things. We have so much time. We have all the time in the world. Why aren't we doing things? Why haven't I written the great American novel? (Well, the LGBT teen-fiction Great American Novel because that's where my focus is lately.) Why haven't I done a better job of tracking down students? Why haven't I been funnier. More enthusiastic. More innovative. I'm boring as hell. Why hasn't he been able to follow through on... any of the things I haven't bothered him to follow through on? We are all in our own little worlds. In the same house. Things that shouldn't be hard... are hard. Or chasing down my students. Or reaching out to friends and family either to support them or to be supported. Making mental-health care appointments. See, this should be top of my radar. It has been on the bottom. Not until last week did I schedule anything for elderboy. And I still haven't scheduled anything for me. As if mental health has not been affected by any of this. I mean, I left the one message for my Psych NP and got my meds changed. But that isn't the same as actually talking to someone. But: what is the point? What are they going to say?
I don't even know my therapist. Plus I always figure that in all this, they have better things to do. They have bigger fires to put out. They must be stressed too. I don't need to add to that. I mean, their job has to be even more nightmarish than mine, right? I am just watching my students slowly drop off the radar. Becoming less interested. Turning more nocturnal. At the start of this 18 of my 19 kids checked in with me in-person every morning. Now it is 2. And they come because they are the caretakers of my class. They are checking on me. Making sure I'm okay. That me and my co-teacher are still healthy. They worry. SYep. Everyone is officially sick of this. My students have largely stopped showing up to check in at the beginning of the day. It was never mandatory. But it was nice to talk to them. I had a reason to readjust my crappy attitude. Now only one or two students (of my 19) show up. And they type little text messages while I talk to them. Hoping that this will end soon. Looking forward to seeing each other again. Wondering if there will be soccer in the fall. Elderboy and I are both not doing well depression-wise. This too is predictable. We recognize this. I swore with actual curse words about this three times today. We both laughed a lot. It's something we do when the Depression kinda sucks. Someone asked me recently if I thought I was better after getting my diagnosis of bipolar. I think because I seem worse now than I used to. Probably a lot. And I probably am. But that's because I had been on a long, gradual slide toward worse. That was kind of invisible to most people. Since I hid. So, am I better now than I was fifteen years ago? Probably not? I don't know. Am I better now than I was six years ago? Yes. But better is a relative thing. I'm not better all the time. I do remember a time not long ago when I couldn't remember having been in a Depressed Mood State. I had been flying along at cruising altitude for some time. So much that I was ineligible for a study that required me to be in a Depressed mood state for six weeks. Pretty sure I would TOTALLY qualify now. I'm down today. Kind of blah. I just can't be arsed. This is my favorite non-American-English saying. It fits. I can't be arsed to do anything. I so badly did NOT want to go on my #mandatorycovidwalk today. So of course I walked for one hour and fifteen minutes. Now I am TIRED. And people say "It is so good for your mental health and your physical health." I'm just going on them so I know it is possible to keep going. I walk mechanically. I walk powered by music. But I do take note of my surroundings.
When I plan on going for a shorter, more reasonable walk, I walk to a specific album. When I plan on walking more or less to exhaustion I put on something random. Always BTS. Can't smile today. So of course I was hysterically funny at dinner. I just want school year to be over. And then I want to lie flat on my back in my room, never leaving, and staring at the ceiling until someone tells me that the world is normal again. Sleeping beauty. If only I had a spindle. And had been cursed by a wicked fairy. Imma go watch socially unredeeming shows on Netflix now. Whatever Spouse and I can agree on. 11 more days of school. But who's counting. I miss my kids like hell. I hope they miss me. That's selfish, I know. But it's never fun to be the bearer of unreciprocated, unrequieted love. Grateful for these things: Not sick. Have job. Have family. Spouse. Live in safe neighborhood. Good weather. Shoes with orthotics. BTS. New friends. Old F/friends (who I am grateful for even though I will not connect with you now-- sorry). Language. Chiropractic. Governor Walz. Lack of bronchitis. Ceiling fans. Glasses with progressive lenses. Not being pregnant. Short fingernails. Blue hair. Family. Netflix. Memrise. Wattpad. Good meds. Even though they are not magic. Curse words-- judiciously applied. See. I was gonna list all the things that suck. I bet you're grateful I didn't do that. hate not knowing. Everyone hates not knowing.
I'm a planner. Kind of. I mean I am a chaotic planner. Day to day I can switch course. But I need to know the big plan. Where is the river headed? It can meander, but the course should be fairly set. And now I can't plan. I mean, I DESPERATELY want to know what will happen in the fall. How will we eventually go back to school? How will we/can we undo the damage that this has caused to students? Especially those who are most vulnerable economically/educationally. How do we protect the well-being of students and staff? What about medically vulnerable staff? Will they even return in the fall? In the winter? In the spring? How? What will any of this mean for magnet schools and charter schools that draw from all over the Twin Cities? We get our money from the state. And per-pupil funding. If our numbers go down... and if the state just doesn't have the money... but class sizes need to be smaller? I can't know. Nobody can. So, the other thing I am brilliant at is worrying. I can worry about things far far far into the future. I can worry about seven different outcomes simultaneously. And I am unable to see a good outcome. So all futures are bad. It's one of my many crappy superpowers. Nothing about this is fun. Particularly because I am taking this whole global pandemic pretty damn seriously. And I know some people think I am being paranoid. And maybe I am. But I don't think so. I'm careful. I mentioned before maybe... Daughter was hospitalized twice with pneumonia one spring. I've had severe bronchitis several times. And "walking pneumonia." We both have asthmatic lungs that are more prone to freaking out with any regular old upper respiratory infection. So I'd rather avoid any possibility of this novel thing. Some of my coworkers are meeting in the same place to work on stuff. Some family members on both sides of our family are getting together in smallish groups. I just can't. It kind of reminds me of how I deal with alcohol. I am way more strict about it than anyone I know. I mean, if I have had a drink, I will not drive. Even if the drink was hours earlier. Is this an overabundance of caution? Sure. But what the hell. Also, my doctor told me to just say that I don't drink. Because this is functionally true. As an aside: I feel like I need to have all of the flashy jackets worn by BTS in their live concerts. Except then I remember that I do not have the same body shape as a young Korean man. So there would need to be some pretty significant modifications. Still, if I ever return to working for a living instead of sitting on my a$$ for a living, I think I'd like to wear more jackets. I am watching BTS videos at the moment. This is not shocking to my children. Daughter is not so fond of the music (yet), but she will watch commentary and making-of videos with me and likes the individual members. Particularly V and Suga. Elderboy will listen to the music with me while doing dishes or making dinner. Spouse humors me. I continue to learn Korean. The Hangul alphabet system is pretty awesome. Anything beats English spelling, ngl. It's raining all day today. Imma get wet on my #mandatorycovidwalk. Oh well. I'm doing grey rainy day today. Which is pretty good, all things considered. This whole effing thing is so ridiculously stressful. To so damn many people. But I don't see a way that it could be less stressful. All I see are bad outcomes. Crappy superpowers suck. Send thoughts, prayers, and flashy blazers. |
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K. BuchananQuaker, teacher, parent, |