When I am awesome, top-of-the-world, brilliant, clever, creative, connected, on-fire and a unique force in the universe... I find all kinds of proof that I am right. See, I made this awesome thing. Or look how cleverly I responded to that parenting SNAFU. Just think of all the innovative ideas I have brought to my job. And some of the coolest most brilliant people I know are friends of mine. Proof that I Totally Rock.
So it follows that when I am dragging, bottom-of-the-barrel, dirt-dull, clay-faced, boring boring boring, and a troublesome third wheel to every grouping imaginable... I think of all the things I have done poorly to left unfinished. Think of the countless things I have totally effed up. Imagine how I have settled for the job I have instead of going out and doing Some Big Thing. And what the hell am I doing with all my time that I haven't picked up the phone and called my cool, brilliant friends?
This morning was one of those mornings. I am fairly certain that I don't actually suck, but the clues that I seek out to determine whether or not I suck tend not to favor me. All the flaws are magnified. Imaginary slights become real. Sad just tugs at the edges of my mind and just settles in for the duration.
Also, it is gray and rainy and the snow is gone. And there is no sunlight. All Day Long. Which probably doesn't do much to perk me up.
Is this a bipolar thing or a regular person thing. It's a me thing, so it probably doesn't matter. This dipping down for no reason. Just like the rising up for no reason. The mood stabilizers do not fix my mood permanently in one place. I need some wiggle room.
But how exactly does that work? From my brief residency at Google University I have determined that lamotrigine changes the excitability of the neurons through the modulation of "various ion channels."
I guess "supranormal neuronal activities" are often associated with bipolar disorder.
Lamotrigine also inhibits the release of glutamate (as does lithium) which I guess is a really important neuro-transmitter.
But how does it know which neuronal activity to supress? What if it supresses the wrong ones? What if I really need the neuronal activity that the lamotrigine has decided to quash?
So I kind of get how this would limit the manic sort of behavior and the flying from one thing to the next and the fluffy memory and whatnot... but mood?
Okay. That's enough.
Quaker, teacher, parent,