Depression metaphor for the day... a lack of connectivity. I thought today about the loss of the big picture that occurs for me when I am in even a mildly Depressed state. I can think about pieces of things. Parts of a plan. But I am not very adept at conceiving of vast projects spanning much time or many parts. I lose the connections between things.
And then I thought about the brain not able to make the connection between the synapses so much as they ought to be. Which is what is happening. Serotonin and other lazy neurotransmitters are just reabsorbed and sit around eating bon bons instead of turning around and delivering the necessary messages from one brain cell to another.
Which led me to the lack of connections that happen between a Depressed person and the rest of the people. Friends and family and community and coworkers. Even if there is physical presence, the connection is not the same.
I also have a lovely mind-body disconnect that exists independently of Depression, but it certainly is not improved by that craptastic condition.
Then it occurred to me that all these metaphors are really good for how I think about moderate Depression. Because when people are having a Major Depressive Episode they are not very good at accessing verbal profundity. And if they come out of the fog of deep Depression, their swiss cheese memory doesn't allow them to describe what it felt like to be inside of that darkness. Which is probably for the best.
I don't mean remembering specific things that happened (although that can be hard too) or the empty horrible feeling (with all kinds of words attached to it that I am not going to go into because it causes me stress at the moment). I mean words that describe how your brain feels as it tries to make connections but it doesn't. Can't. Won't.
Okay, I am cutting me off. I am not as melancholy as I sound. I am really doing quite well.
My other thought today was about reasoning that there are so many depressing poems because Depressed people can think in this smaller form. Fewer connections.
Grateful Crap: Volunteering with children. I like children. They make me smile-- which is good for me.
took meds in the morning (whoo hoo! now I am just showing off)
took a nap (probably longer than I should have)
felt better-- headache mostly just a memory
Tomorrow I am starting the 40 bags in 40 days. My neighbor is joining me in this venture. The challenge: get 40 bags of stuff OUT OF THE HOUSE and to the donation or recycling site.
Quaker, teacher, parent,