I would like to find an in-between. That's basically the holy grail for bipolar, isn't it. Instead of swinging wildly from one pole to the other. But balance is just not a natural thing for me. Either physically or mentally.
On Saturday-- for the first time in a super-long while--I didn't feel anxious. My heart was not racing. I didn't feel like I was about to puke. I wasn't overtaken by feelings that I should be doing SOMETHING or else BAD THINGS would happen.
But then I seemed to swing the other direction to APATHY.
Also, I started staying up super late working on projects. Which I think is related to the apathy. Kind of "oh well, as long as I can't figure things out I may as well enjoy myself." Only then I have a lack-of-sleep hangover for days afterwards. Which is just no good.
Yesterday I managed to not work on beading projects voluntarily. And this morning too. Instead I am writing and relaxing and posting. And I am not too terribly resentful.
In response to the uncertainty of the future (which is always uncertain) I have the following choices:
1. Screaming ANXIETY
2. Wildly productive ACTIVITY to attempt to control the outcome
3. Crushing APATHY and fatalism in the belief that nothing can be changed. All is lost.
And acceptance just seems like giving up.
My best coping mechanism seems to be bearing my head in seed beads and pretending that I am not a fearful, anxious control freak who is falling apart at the thought of not being in charge of what happens. To the smallest detail.
I need to remember that I am flexible. That I like the challenge of new things. That change is not a disaster. And that I can make no accurate predictions (dire or otherwise) for how things will turn out.
This feels quite abstract and confusing.
My college job is done this week. A few more weeks of the school year through the public school. When I taught on Saturday I was low energy and boring. Do I need to be hypomanic to be interesting and energetic? Or do I just need to get a decent amount of sleep and exercise and good food.
Was I such a mess before seeking treatment for bipolar? Big parts of me want to say no. That before I was being treated for this condition everything was hunky-dory. Pretty sure that is a lie. There was a reason I caught treatment, after all.
I have allowed my bupropion to run out. The last I took it was Friday? Or before? Don't know. It is Monday now. I need to do the week's worth of venlafaxine (with less and less in every capsule) in my pill minder. I need to refill the lamotrigine. Perhaps the absence of wellbutrin in my system is contributing to this maudlin post.
I got stuff for the garden: honey berry bush, strawberries, lettuce, cauliflower, brussels sprouts, hot pepper, basil, onions, scallions, six different kinds of tomatoes... and a bunch of other stuff I cannot remember. I think I only got edible stuff.
Will try to post daily. It gives me a much better feel for what is going on.
(in response to a song with a chorus stating "I want you...")
4yo: is this about one person who wants another person?
4yo: she should ask nicely.
Quaker, teacher, parent,