I don't feel quite as roller-coastery lately. This is good. No longer waking with my heart pounding. Having an easier time getting to sleep. Even though I did reinstall the New York Times app on my phone and I sometimes read it before bedtime or in the morning, I am not quite so obsessed with checking things.
I wonder if that's what it feels like to have PTSD... at least the hypervigilance part. If so, it sucks. If not, it still sucks. And quite frankly, I have known for quite some time that I'd rather avoid PTSD. The fewer co-occuring mental illnesses I can accumulate the better.
I am working to help a friend who is in dire straits. It helps put things in perspective for me in a Greek tragedy sort of way. I have other stresses but mine seem much more manageable in comparison. And I am happy to find ways that I can help. She is also quite good at making sure I don't agree to things that I shouldn't.
This is a particular skill of hers: saying "no" on my behalf.
I am looking for ways to have some structure in my summer so I think I will be enrolling in some online college classes leading toward a K-12 reading certificate. It should help me with teaching my ELL students grades 6-12.
I love my job, by the way. It is stressful at times, but only because I am fairly (or a lot) invested in my students and how to best serve their needs. Even when one or two of them are driving me up the wall.
One of my acquaintances joked today that I should try getting drunk or smoking marijuana to see if it would help me relax. Mostly she was kidding because she knows what a rigid person I am in some respects. Because I have never been drunk or stoned. She thought maybe it was something I should experience.
Don't worry. This is not going to happen. Largely for the same reasons that it hasn't happened yet. I don't want to know if I like being drunk or stoned. Because if I do... I have an obsessive/addictive personality and I would have a hard time with moderation, I think. And if I don't like getting drunk or stoned, then why should I do it?
Added to this is the fact that I am COMPLETELY unwilling to do anything that will mess with my medications. We laughed at the idea that I would only eat "magic" brownies under completely controlled circumstances under the observation of trained healthcare professionals. It seemed to defeat the relaxation purpose.
Unfortunately (or fortunately) my drug of choice is sugar and chocolate... which also are no good for me. I'm off of them (added sugar anyway) for March. Doing another 30 days without added sugar, dairy, grains, legumes, alcohol... Mostly because it is a good way for me to get back to moderation.
When I notice that my consumption of sugar has gone way up (eating cookies etc. every day) I take a thirty-day break and it resets things so I no longer crave sugar.
I have no intention to go off sugar for life. I just would like to moderate the sugar usage. And at this point (I think I've already been off sugar for more than a week... I started early) I am not craving super-sugary things. I do have dates and frozen fruit every day to satisfy my sweet tooth. But not cookies, ice cream and chocolate.
Still have not figured out a way to make myself exercise. (SWEET! I just remembered how to spell that word! I told one of my students that I would learn how to spell it by today. Mission accomplished.)
P.S. I am no longer quite as terrified about current events in my country. I am developing more distance. A curiousity about how messed up things will get rather than overwhelming panic (which was really not helpful or productive anyway).
Grateful Crap: my thumb no longer hurts as much. Thus the ability to type at regular speed.
meds 200 mg lamotrigine
walking about 4,000 steps per day (it's a start)
not obsessing about news. (Of course now I am going to go check the news because I have spent enough time writing about it here that I can't get it off my mind. What if the current occupant of the White House has done something?)
Quaker, teacher, parent,