When I miss a post because I am too tired to stay awake I feel guilty. When I miss a post because I was engaged in things that are moving me in the right direction I don't feel bad at all. Okay, only a little bad.
I technically could have posted in the brief interval when the daughter was sleeping, but I chose to load the dishwasher and make gluten-free soda brea instead. I stand by this choice.
I could also have chosen to post after nine pm, but I am going to stand firm that posting after 9 sucks me into INTERNETLAND and then I don't escape until 1:30 am. So instead I relaxed, and finished knitting mitten #1 (Scandinavian knitting in purple and gray for the daughter)!
Here is how I spent the rest of the day (and now I am just showing off because I finally had a normal day after a week of crap)...
My proudest accomplishment: grocery shopping. I went and purchased actual vegetables and other real ingredients from a store. This is an act of great optimism. It means I am believe that I will have the energy to make actual edible items from said ingredients. It means I can contemplate imagining what to make. That I will not just stare at the clock and burst into tears when I realize it is six pm and I have no idea what we might be able to eat. That I will be able to muscle through whatever whining there might be about the introduction of new foods or unfamiliar recipes. I will not cave in to the lobbying efforts of the Pasta Party (who supports a policy of all mac and cheese all the time).
I also went over to a friend's house and helped declutter and clean her house. This tickled me for several reasons. #1: she is a professional cleaner/declutterer on behalf of others. It is truly a case of the shoemaker's children going barefoot. #2: my house is a messy, cluttereed disaster. Which made it feel like the pot helping the kettle remove the soot.
It is sooooooo much easier to tackle clutter in someone else's home. It doesn't come heaped with the same amount of guilt and self-recrimination. It just feels good. Why don't people have decluttering swaps the same way they do childcare swaps? I guess it would be a lot more complicated. And stressful. And intimate. And possible excrutiating. Nevermind.
I take back everything I have ever said about medicine not being magic.
Within twenty-four hours of being back on all the appropriate medications I was back to fully-functional me. Kind of freaky, actually. However, it does seem to indicate that the medications are having the desired effect. It will serve to remind me that when I start feeling crappy I can bear in mind that medication levels may be a factor. I had a tendency to belittle my own Depression. To minimize it. To brush it off. To think that maybe the medication does nothing more than a sugar pill and my brain just makes up its own solution... lies. All lies. The medication is doing a bang-up job, it is necessary, and I do need it.
Grateful Crap: friends. one in particular. or two or three others in particular. no, scratch that... friends.
took meds in the morning: 150mg sertraline, 450mg bupropion
purchased and consumed fruits and vegetables
got nuts to snack on instead of SUGAR
ate better than I have in some time
spent time with friend
Quaker, teacher, parent,