I actually titled this post before I looked up the term, but it seems somehow fitting...
hard-start. Noun. (plural hard starts) An explosion in a rocket engine during startup, usually due to the presence of too much propellant prior to ignition.
I am feeling both frazzled and Down Down Down this morning. Partly because my real regular life is creeping up on me and I feel like I have to do EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Partly because I am feeling particularly un. Uninspired, Uncompetent(!), Unloveable, Unpleasant, Unfounded, Unprepared, Unhappy, Uneffective...
I got notified that my proposal to present at a professional conference has been accepted "with minor edits" to the description. And they really are minor. But I interpreted the comment as saying that I had no idea what I was talking about and I really shouldn't have applied and they were only letting me in because they didn't have enough presenters. Which could be true.
And then I thought Holy Crap I have nothing to say.
I will stand in front of my peers and a croaking sound will come out of my mouth. Or I will speak perfectly articulately and there will be the sound of crickets chirping.
I have 15 years of teaching experience, teaching licenses in three different areas, I have teaching experience at levels kindergarten - adult... but I feel unqualified to speak.
Then I read about proposed point system to be used to screen new immigrants and discovered that I would not be allowed into the country given my score (figures). 22 points. 30 is required.
And saw that Sinead O'Connor had posted a particularly distressing cry for help with regards to her mental health. And it sometimes (mostly) it is not helpful for me to see people struggling with mental health crap when I am not on an even keel. Why I don't read recovery blogs.
And I felt like I was drowning in slow syrup. Slowly sinking in viscous liquid. That won't ever cause me to submerge. Just kinda stuck. Plowing in slow motion. Trying to accomplish tasks that should be easy...
I need to call health care professional for my son/s. They don't have anyone right now and although neither is in a crisis, I explained to them that I would like to find them someone (for their depression and anxiety) so that when they having more trouble we won't be... stuck.
These are upcoming things that I am circling with worry:
And I feel grossly incompetent to accomplish anything at the moment.
Have been spending too much time doing nothing. But not really. I don't think. I think I have done a lot of things. But there are other things that I have not done. And I spend a lot of time feeling guilty about that.
I have been a bad friend and a bad Friend. Missing Quaker worship. Which I will miss again this weekend. When there is no First Day School (Sunday programming for children) I tend not to go. Partly because I want to "enjoy time with my family" or not ditch spouse with all the kids. Or I am too lazy to get up.
Meanwhile I have crocheted 1.5 six-foot rugs in the last week using strips of old T-shirts. And although I am not really enjoying the process it is all I want to do so I can just Be Done With The Project. I think I am developing a blister on the palm of my hand.
Ugh. I do not like this feeling. I wish there were magical pills. Not narcotics. Actual magic. With no downside and that wouldn't produce euphoria necessarily. They would just counteract BLAH. I guess I will have to settle for caffeine. My coffee is ready.
Quaker, teacher, parent,