Over-dramatic. i did not just go through "5 1/2 days of cold, wet, brutally difficult operational training on fewer than four hours of sleep." as part of training to become a Navy SEAL.
Now is when I am going to be terribly oblique. I want to get across a point without divulging a lot of information. Which is always tricky.
Here is the upshot: I asked for and received a workplace accommodation at my job. It was not precisely what I asked for, but it was what we agreed upon and it seemed like a fine plan.
I was then asked not to discuss my specific accommodation with colleagues (thus the oblique) because then "everybody would want this accommodation."
This is true.
I accidentally (before talking to my boss) mentioned that I would be requesting an accommodation based on my disability to several of my coworkers. Especially the ones that I work with closely.
And now I feel "disclosers' remorse." Because I think there is some resentment and some envy and certainly a feeling that I am getting a sweet deal that is Not Fair.
In fact, one of my coworkers commented, "How come I can't have that accommodation?" which I found to be quite hurtful.
I replied that what she needed to do was have bipolar disorder, get a note from her psychiatrist and then it would be no problem to get the accommodation. But that I could not recommend having bipolar disorder just as a means of getting a workplace accommodation.
So already feeling self-conscious about HAVING the accommodation.
But it is not a TRIVIAL accommodation. It is not one given on a whim or out of favoritism. It is not something to make my life more convenient. It an accommodation related to a DISABILITY. An invisible disability. This was a sensible workplace accommodation intended to:
ameliorate the negative effects of STRESS and ANXIETY on my ability to FUNCTION and to do my JOB.
And then this week it was not honored as agreed upon. At which point I was standing in front of the class and my brain shut down and I had to fight back tears and it felt like my whole head was buzzing and I needed to walk around in circles to calm myself down.
Happily, I had a co-teacher during that particular class who told me to chill out. In a nice way. But I still found it impossible to actually teach. Having another teacher in the room made it possible to continue to act like a human being. Made it possible for me not to dissolve into a thunderstorm, a hurricane of tears.
But now I feel hurt and betrayed an ignored and NOT safe. Because the accommodation that I agreed upon with my boss (which was already a compromise and more stressful for me than what I requested) was NOT observed.
And I would like to vent about it with my workplace friends, but that is not an appropriate place for me to do so because of the implicit resentment.
So now I feel isolated, betrayed and hurt. And it is not a fun place to be.
Grateful Crap: My boss really does feel terrible. So it probably won't happen again. At least not in the same way. Also grateful to have a weekend in which to calm down before facing work again. Although I did spend a good deal of time on the internet on Friday looking up legal crap with the ADA on what to do if workplace accommodation are not met.
Ate an entire pan of Special K Bars and half a pizza.
That may NOT have been good for my mental health.
But I took my meds: 200 mg. lamotrigine
Quaker, teacher, parent,