bless me readers for i have sinned. it has been ten days since my last blog entry. in this time i have neglected to pick up my prescriptions from the pharmacy, although soon i will run out. twice i have not taken my morning venlafaxine.
(because i am out of the proper dosage and only have the 100mg pills and have a hard time getting to 70mg without feeling horribly guilty about tossing the remaining 30mg and so end up pouring the beads into my pill minder and then taking the beads without the capsule and getting some of them stuck in my teeth and wondering if that is at all effective)
i will go to the pharmacy today though, because I am about to run out of the lamotrigine, which is my mood stabilizer, and I am quite fond of having more stable moods. although lately things seem to have been stabilized at kinda crappy and anxious.
one week ago i attended a professional conference and was so anxious about it (for no particular reason) that i spent a great deal of time the morning of the conference removing discolored grout from around the bathtub. i did not use anyone's toothbrush to do so. but i did use a toothbrush holder. and my fingernails (until they started to peel back because they were too soft to do any good after soaking in the bath). and some sort of cuticle trimmer. and a metal nail file.
the daughter spend that week being sick (with horrible cough and fever on and off). i brought her to school on friday (day of conference) and she needed to be picked up shortly after I dropped her off, only i didn't get the message and spouse needed to get her on the bus which was okay.
also then at the conference i continued to be i don't know anxious and drifty and very-- isolated? or i wanted to be isolated? or i didn't want to be isolated? how can all of these things be true? at the very least i was not in a good state to be engaging with my peers in a professional setting.
i resorted to beading during several of the sessions. which i am afraid might have been quite rude but it felt necessary for some reason.
now this week my boys have been on spring break and i have been sick sick sick. not feverish, but fever-y. temperature never going much above 99.5 but feeling hot and yucky. wanted to clean my room one day and found the level of detail to the cleaning process becoming ridiculous.
how ridiculous? i not only neatened up my beading supplies and stashed them away in a new and better location-- but i spend 3 hours separating different color seed beads into the correct containers using a tweezers. until my hand cramped up and i couldn't pick the beads up anymore.
i did fill three bags with things for the goodwill. but i didn't drop them off partly because i am afraid that i will go in and buy stuff that i don't need.
i am also afraid to buy groceries or medications or really anything else at the moment.
during the sick sick sick week just past (and current) i have had such a bad cough even with inhalers and cough medicine and allergy meds and air purifiers and humidifiers that i have been getting perhaps three hours of sleep per night and my throat feels like it is bleeding and my head feels compacted into a rock of some sort. like there is no space for anything. no place for thinking and rationality and doing things that need to be done.
i have not looked at calendar or email or checked in with people except for spouse. and i did not fill in my time card. and i didn't remember to sign a check. and i just want to crawl into my bedroom and not come out (which i did for tuesday, wednesday and thursday this week and which i don't think is terribly good for me because it just makes me want to stay there more and makes me more fearful of leaving my room or my house or whatnot.)
past sunday I had my member welcome at quaker meeting.
now i am sitting at library facing the street in the quiet study area and the homeless woman next to me is going through her correspondence and organizing her life and i am trying not to fall asleep and we are both coughing so loudly that i am afraid we will be asked to leave.
i just want to sleep. and then i think things will seem better. or be better.
this is very rambly.
my first romance novel first draft is out to my first two readers who are both very busy people and they have never read anything i have written except that isn't true because one of them read a draft of my first novel which was not romantic but which was quite bleak.
so i am working on the next romance novel in the meantime because it is fun and good and the days that i sat doing nothing i was not writing. and i think i do better when i am.
these are the good things that i enjoy and i should do: tap dance, write novel, practice piano, play horn.
these are the good things that i would enjoy if i could make myself do them: spend time outside, go for walks, tea with friends.
i have 16,450 words toward my new next novel. I am assuming that it will take 70,000 to tell the story properly. so i am only almost a quarter of the way done.
and now this post is done.
Quaker, teacher, parent,