Been waking before the alarm but only getting 5-6 hours of sleep. At the end of the day my brain is done and I can’t be bothered to... I don’t know... deal with other humans.
But also some flat affect and word salad. Depression symptoms...
Yesterday I talked with elder boy and a friend about my crisis of faith... my worry that any messages I had received in meeting were really just bipolar symptoms.
Friend talked about her experience writing poetry both before and after treatment for Depression.
That was disheartening for her at first... the change in experience. But she continued to write and trusted that although her writing was different it was not gone.
So keep going.
Elder boy laughed at me so hard his face turned red and he started to cry when I told him I was afraid that my Quakerism was caused by bipolar.
His comments were essentially:
“Mom that’s like artists saying they won’t treat their mental illness because they will lose their art.”
Which we have already discussed as being a rubbish idea.
People with mental illness certainly produce great art at times... but not while debilitated or outright destroyed by their illness.
My ultra rational brain probably believes that all religion is a sign of mental illness. I have never been easy in my own faith and have failed to understand anyone else’s.
Faith is not meant for rational explanation. That’s why it isn’t called science.
Elder boy also pointed out that regardless of messages that might come through me or not... meditation is good. And it is a good community.
He is 15.
Feeling Down. Not too bad. Mostly tired. Of everything. Everyone.
(note I skipped breakfast and lunch yesterday but I did sit with a friend and bead during lunch and then I had good food when I went home)
20 mg lurasidone
10 mg escitalopram
Quaker, teacher, parent,