Trying to put everything back together. And for the moment this seems feasible. Not in the "I have energy today so I will try to do EVERYTHING" sort of way. But in the, "Hey, it isn't overwhelming to tackle a bit of ________ right now and then perhaps tomorrow tackle a bit of ________." Catching up incrementally in a sustainable way. I know. Doesn't sound much like me. We'll just try to make this last while we can.
And I'm also spending time realizing that I am not an air traffic controller or a rocket scientist. And that minor (or even major) mistakes that I make are likely not as big a deal as I make them out to be. If they were, I would have no friends, family, or coworkers left who would speak to me.
In a cruel twist of fate, just as it seems that I am starting to feel more competent mentally again... I get hit with strep throat. Feverish, headachey, painful-to-swallow, vomitous strep throat. I demanded a morphine drip, an I.V. and a head transplant STAT, but Spouse was not compliant with my requests.
Informed my boss that apparently all it takes to knock me out of my bipolar Depression is a case of strep throat that is slow to respond to penicillin. Not unresponsive, mind you, but I am impatient. An impatient patient. And I am also fairly tired of recorded voices thanking me for my patience because I quite frankly don't have any.
Thursday came down suddenly ill, Friday positive strep test, Saturday out sick from work, Sunday seemed to be getting better, but then a recurrence of fever, Monday now still getting better, no fever, knock wood.
I have greater mental clarity than I have felt in some time. The big picture kind of mental clarity. Feel able to interact with the wider world. And by wider world I mean people beyond the family who live with me and two unrelated friends. I have been dealing with other people, but haven't really felt ready to do so. And haven't felt that any of the interactions were more than superficial.
Which is hard to explain. Because it is all internal. How can "hello" be superficial or not. Whether it is rote. But it sounds the same.
I will not whine and say that I wish I had a physical disability. Because I don't. I think I just wish that bipolar--which is technically considered a disability-- were viewed differently.
I am afraid for the first time (in a way that I was not when I thought I was just Depressed) that my being bipolar-- my openness about bipolar-- will affect my future job prospects. And yet I don't/can't regret being open. And I don't think that I would not hire me because of my bipolar status. Any more than I would discount someone with limited mobility, or with a seizure disorder, or a hearing impairment, or...
Now I must go rest. Because the family voted and they say that is what I need to do now. I may need to start taking the advice of my thirteen year old. I was highly smart and right about everything at that age. Perhaps he has the same mystical powers.
lamotrigine 300mg (appointment to meet with psych NP this Friday)
Quaker, teacher, parent,