A while ago I listened to AJ Jacob's TED talk on "My year or living biblically." I also read the book in which he talked about the experience of starting by just following the rules because that was what the rules said... but then he found that following the rules made him feel different.
Acting "pure" made him feel more pure.
I have been pampering myself in preparation for a job interview on Friday. Got a spiffy outfit. Did my nails. (Finally cleaned the garden out from under my fingernails) Even did my toenails, which are unlikely to be seen at said interview. Got a haircut. In general spent more time on girly crap than usual.
And I feel... better.
Not just that I feel like I look better. The act of taking care of all these details of my appearance has made me feel better in general. Worth pampering? I don't know.
I think the recent bouts of Sad have caused a recurrence of low self esteem. Also a lapse in my resolution to marry my outward and inner selves.
Parts of me believe that paying attention to my appearance makes me vain or will contribute to me being all judgy of other people's appearances.
Anyway, I am glad that prepping for my "audition" as my 11yo calls it has helped me snap out of some of my funk. Because auditioning when you are in a slump is just not good form.
For some reason this just reminded me of purchasing cars and homes.
In other countries people bargain on the price of many different things. Everyday items. Groceries. Handbags. Jewelry. In the U.S. the prices are usually fixed except for the two most expensive purchases we make. Cars and homes.
We go into the negotiating process with very little day-to-day practice. Novices. It is uncomfortable.
And it is not appropriate here in Scandinavian America to acknowledge ones strengths. Better to be humble. Not toot one's own horn. People will think you are arrogant, obnoxious, full of yourself. Somehow Better Than Everyone Else. (It's why I understood Japanese culture so well; and the saying "The nail that sticks up gets hammered down.")
Then at job interview we are supposed to speak of ourselves in glowing terms. You should hire me because I am awesome and amazing. Which I am. It's just hard to say out loud without cringing. Or expecting some junior high girl to come running up to me and say, "What makes you so special?"
In general things are trending the way I would like them to go. Feeling less down and more up. Less frenetic. Less fatigued. More like me. I may even voluntarily contact friends again. (hanging head in anti-social shame)
On the medication front: Went up to the next level of venlafaxine today. I have not noticed any negative side effects. I feel much less fuzzy. More like an actual human being. All good things. Still need to refill the bupropion. And I haven't yet scheduled the appointments. Will get on all of that right now.
Grateful Crap: All the bettering of things going on.
hmmm... no time outside today really
Wish me luck at my audition tomorrow... (hold me in the light!)
Quaker, teacher, parent,