Check out the mug shot. I can tell that I can't see. I wonder why I wasn't wearing my glasses.
I forgot to mention a fairly significant hiccup in yesterday's backdated post.
on Saturday night I stayed up until 2:30 am ferociously folding laundry, doing dishes, tidying up and knitting until I couldn't see straight. And not because I was enjoying being a night-owl. Nope. I was buzzing with angry angry energy.
Because I made up an entire backstory for an offhand comment. Doesn't even matter what it was or who said it. Could be anything. You know, like when somebody says,
"I really like you in red" and you think, they must be trying to tell me that I looked terrible in whatever color they saw me in last. What color was that. It must have been hideous. I bet it was yellow. I have that one yellow shirt and I am pretty sure that I do look terrible in it. They are totally right. I feel terrible that I subjected them to that fashion fuax pas. How embarrassing. I will go home and put it in the donation bag. Or I could burn it. Are there burning restrictions in our area if it's just a shirt? And you forget to say thank you becuase you are so preoccupied with the internal hysteria... You don't do this? Lucky.
Here was the interesting (and frustrating) thing. I was aware in the moment that I was the one making up all the crap that I was getting mad about. I knew that I was the one putting these thoughts in someone else's head. AND IT DIDN'T HELP. Even though I knew full well that I was making up really stupid lies that didn't even make sense, I was still mad. REALLY zizzing mad. At least I was semi-productive with the energy. And I guess it was nice to realize that my brain was lying to me.
This was a different feeling than the time I didn't know where spouse was and my go-to thought was that he had left me. As in skipped town and I was now a single mom. I spent quite a bit of time panicking in my room and pulling the covers over my head and quietly freaking out. I think he was in the basement at the time. (And any of you who have met us are probably laughing your asses off right now-- because it isn't even a remote possibility.)
This was different because I actually believed the ridiculous thoughts then. Until spouse came up the stairs. And even then I was a little bit shaky. As you may surmise, I was not properly medicated at that time. Don't get me wrong, I am still extremely wacky and absentminded even when my brain is functioning properly. Because that's just what kind of brain it is. But it is a wacky that is more fun for me to deal with.
Horrible horrible lying brain.
But progress, you know, in identifying those thoughts that are not reality-based as they are happening. I just need to have more tools in my toolkit for dismissing them sooner without the need to aerobically exorcise the dust rhinos from under the couch at 1:00 am.
Grateful Crap: eldest son woke up early today (not a school day), ate breakfast, picked up and vacuumed the living room, practiced piano and violin, and ran on the treadmill... all before 8:00 am.
took meds in the morning. I must say they work much better when I take them.
something. I don't know.
I need to get better at not thinking to myself "Don't think of any stressful things now, or it will be hard to get to bed." Because that very rarely works.
Quaker, teacher, parent,