Mentioned to spouse that I had been hacking up a lung for 10 days since it looked like I had been sick since April 9th. I then realized (only with prompting) that it was not April 19.
I have been avoiding the computer.
I feel like I have let things slide and I don't want to know about them. My personal email is likely a quagmire of ten thousand emails that I will never sort through. And some of them are likely important. Some probably even have good things to say.
But I am afraid to look. Afraid that it will tank my day and I won't be able to get up from my computer to do anything else. Paralyzed with guilt. So instead I am only semi-paralyzed with anxiety and the potential for guilt. Precursors. Proto-guilt.
I have allowed the house to slide back into states of chaos that I had previously conquered. My shoulder still hurts from the excessive cleaning at the start of April (was that when it was?).
On April 21 I was reminded that my IQ drops 50 points when my children are crying. I thought maybe it was just my infant children that had that effect on me. But it turns out that when my 3yo cries without explanation for two hours solid, I am unable to process complex (or even simple) information.
The Sad has been somewhat replaced by The Numb. I am not bothered by things that might have been hurtful in the past, but I get the feeling it is only because I don't give a crap. Not because I am exhibiting a healthy response. Maybe not giving a crap is the definition of a healthy response. I hope not.
Grateful Crap: A List of my Big Little Accomplishments in the Ass-Kicking of Depression...
1. I no longer stay up until after midnight routinely (often turning in at the same time as spouse)
2. I do not forget to take my medications
3. I do not take the incorrect dose of medications
4. I am still blogging-- although with occasional lapses. I should view it like the weavers who purposely leave flaws in their work. Perfect is the enemy of good.
5. Decluttering as a process is still in motion
6. Have learned to say no-- not involved in very many things at all. I miss some of them.
always, always, always took meds. (although once I almost took them at night AND in the morning)
iced shoulder and heated forehead
got plenty of sleep
decided I need to avoid wheat and dairy for a while because they seem to worsen my asthma goo. This sucks because all the really awesome foods (and all of them that I wish to consume to excess) have wheat or dairy. Or both. *sigh*
I realized that part of the reason I thought it was March is that the calendar in the kitchen-- the dry-erase one-- is still set for the second half of March. The rest of the month is missing. How poetic.
Quaker, teacher, parent,