Sorry I didn't write, but I just didn't care enough to let you know how things were going. You were not a priority. Even this message-in-a-bottle communication was too much. The best I could do was occasionally respond to texts I received. And return one of the nine panicked phone calls I received.
Here is the story, as best I can recall...
Was unhappy to be on venlafaxine. Even if it hadn't caused me to sleep 20 hours per day... which was a side-effect of beginning to take the medication and would have worn off eventually. I told Psych NP that I would not be compliant on venlafaxine because I remembered it as the drug that caused my psychotic episode last spring (while trying to get OFF of it).
She asked how my mood was and I said I didn't know because I wasn't awake long enough to get any data on my mood. I slept through phone calls and emails and managed not to meet with people (but I hadn't been able to schedule with them in the first place due to being asleep). It was like the fairytale. I pricked my finger on a spindle. And the world kept going all around me.
She decided to switch me away from venlafaxine and back to fluoxetine. This is a drug that had worked for me in the past for Depression-- but which quit working before my diagnosis. I have not taken it while on a mood stabilizer before. I have not had negative side effects in the past and she wanted to stick with something that we knew would not make me sick while trying to emergency-like improve my mood/energy. Also wanted to cut back on bupropion, which seemed to be doing diddly-squat for my Depression symptoms.
So now here is where the medication stuff now lies: 150mg bupropion, 20mg fluoxetine, 300mg lamotrigine.
There was one day (a Saturday) when I had stopped the venlafaxine and not yet started the fluoxetine when i felt PERKY and ENERGETIC. This lasted until I started the fluoxetine. I don't think my body enjoys all the changes in pharmaceuticals.
Felt like CRAP the following Monday. Not HORRIBLE physically or mentally, but the combination was enough to knock me out. Through a series of miscommunications (actually just sending notice to the wrong work-related email) caused coworkers to go into a complete panic, nearly resulting in my boss coming to knock on my door to make sure I was okay. (How awesome is it that I have a boss who would drive to my house to make sure I was okay?)
The following week on fluoxetine, my sleep began to improve and I did not feel as sick. Currently I am (knock wood) at my most human. Working brain, body that does not demand immediate sleep... the things that I long to take for granted again.
Energy has returned in advance of mood improvement. I still don't much care to be communicating this to you, but I can and so I am. It LOOKS like I am doing better now because I know what I am supposed to do in order to appear better. Does that make sense?
I know that when I see people I am supposed to smile a little and engage in polite conversation. And so I do. But I still won't open my email or respond to phone messages or go out of my way to make contact with people (even if I really like them a lot).
OFP asked how it would look different if I were mood-wise doing okay as opposed to how things look now. I don't know. But it would feel different. I would know that the conversations I was having were not just some stored, rote, reflexive response. i would care. And I kinda still don't.
I care enough to show up for work, to drop off and pick up my children, and to make sure that I eat and sleep. And bathe. Almost often enough.
Now I have devoted enough time to you. Back to one of the few things that I do still care about. Writing. Done with draft one of book two. Reading through it for consistency before the actual first draft is printed for proofing.
Quaker, teacher, parent,