A friend posted some advice she received about her anxiety. When she felt anxious she should just tell herself that she feels excited. Because the physical sensations are similar but it doesn't have the loaded self-fulfilling prophecy that ANXIETY has.
So how about instead of telling myself that I feel like I am experiencing some of the Downs, I try and talk myself into thinking that I am just very calm.
Except that I am tired and cranky. And I feel undercaffeinated. Like coming down off a weeks-long hypomanic bender. Which I am. I want to do nothing, now.
I want to drink coffee and eat ice cream and sleep for twenty hours.
(While also crocheting a 20 foot long rug made from old T-shirts. I have almost one foot done. Perhaps I should do the rug in several segments. I think it might be a chore to wash such a long rug.)
I feel horribly hollow and sad. And like nothing I am doing is good enough. Which is unfortunate because right now I am preparing a one-hour presentation for opening week of my school.
And I find myself imagining all of the teachers sitting in their chairs watching me with poorly disguised boredom. Or contempt. And rolling their eyes. Note: this is really not the sort of behavior I have any reason to expect from my colleagues. I am just a bit tender at the moment.
Much stuff is going on... the last few days of hosting a student from China. Family visiting from out of town. I scheduled a dental visit for next week for a regular cleaning which I haven't had in a really long time. Because of anxiety.
And so I am anxious. No... excited. I am excited about the dental visit. And about presenting to my colleagues. And I am calm about not being done with all things that I want to get done. Calm about whatever I am about to read in the newspaper. Calm about the world in general.
Grateful Crap: I don't know. Weather.
eating stuff (like a potato/basil/sundried tomato frittata)
sleeping (but I feel like I need to sleep A LOT MORE)
taking meds (200 mg lamotrigine)
Quaker, teacher, parent,