This is probably part of what people with bipolar are afraid of. That when we are medicated against mood swings, medicated to try and control the ups and the downs, we will lose the euphoria of emotion. Because there are times of euphoria. And they are awesome.
I have described this before though as feeling like I am just a raw open nerve and everything feels too much and too strong. And my emotional reaction to everything is TOO MUCH. Real, but not realistic from an outsider's point of view. I am used to this feeling. Lately, I have not had this feeling. I still feel the ups and downs. And the overall layer of anxiety regardless. I feel like a semi-worthless human. But there is also a layer of numb. The emotions are not able to touch my... soul? My actual self? I don't know. I have less of a physiological response to emotion than I am used to feeling. I don't like it. This is not anhedonia. Not really. It's not that I don't get pleasure from anything. It's just that when I am sad or when I am happy, it feels only skin deep. Not bone deep. Not deep into the depths of my being. That's how I'm used to feeling things. Which I guess is a hard way to be. When left to my own devices I take things too seriously on the emotional front. But I miss that. I miss really FEELING things. Here are some good things about this not being the case at the moment... I am experiencing workplace stress. And while this did send me crying to my admin's office one day, those tears--shed and unshed--didn't remain like a toxic kernel within me. I cried and then I was empty. The tears poured out and then I was hollow. Now I am routinely filled with toxic stress when exposed to the root of the problem (which happens alternating weekdays). But I don't retain that stress as crushing sadness or crippling anxiety. It turns to anger. Or confusion. Irritation. Sometimes minor despair. Sincerely, Me. Comments are closed.
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K. BuchananQuaker, teacher, parent, |