Unpleasant realization of the week: not caring is not a good sign. I was correct in thinking that there is something in between feeling EVERYTHING and feeling NOTHING. Crap.
Went to see the OFP yesterday finally. And at the end of the session, she explained that it would be almost impossible to schedule something with her because she just cut back from six days a week to three afternoons a week. I should not be surprised that a woman who served as my therapist more than twenty years ago is ready to retire--at least partially. But I am not thrilled at the idea of finding another therapist. Because I really like her AND she is the only therapist that I have ever been able to tolerate.
When you can't stand your therapist, the therapeutic effects of counseling tend to be minimal.
Back to the visit...
I opened with my best material: I don't care.
Which is when a was reminded that the whole not-caring thing is really "anhedonia" and is a symptom of Depression. And the anhedonia is fairly deep at the moment.
I hadn't realized that my lack of interest in anything but beading, writing and Spouse was indicative of a greater trend toward isolation and apathy. Or if I did realize it, I couldn't be bothered to care about it.This seems like a joke, and I think it is funny, only it really isn't.
I did not enjoy talking to the OFP because she made me realize that the lack of caring--this overriding apathy--is a defense mechanism so that I won't feel sad. And I'm afraid that if I feel anything, I will feel EVERYTHING. All the bad things will come in with all the good things and I won't be able to get them out.
As it is, I already feel intellectually and irrationally inadequate across a number of spheres. I have no interest in being emotionally destroyed by these irrational fears. Where is my motivation to "get better" if it will involve a bunch of crappy tears?
You really never like your therapist to say things like, "You must be so terrified." She told me that I needed to make sure that Spouse knew I was not doing well (I already told Spouse, so this doesn't count as passive-egressive communication).
She also asked me what I needed. Another kleenex. Because I had methodically shredded the one in my hand, and it was falling to bits on her floor. Beyond another kleenex, I was unable to come up with needs.
What are you most worried about?
My biggest worries: things that have already happened that I cannot change.
Another worry that I did not realize until just now: that the way I feel at the moment is the way that "normal" people feel and that this is what I should be shooting for. Because if that is the case... well, let's just say I was very pleased to find that it was not the case. Otherwise I was gonna feel very sorry for you and decide that treatment was a bad plan. Because this is really not where I want to be.
I almost feel like this is a third pole. Depressed, Manic and this other thing.
Stuff that bugs me (and is all symptomatic)
Things that I KNOW would typically cause me to be an emotional wreck for at least a week now just make me go, "huh," and I move on without any damage.
This seems like a bonus, kind of. But again, it's really not.
I need to call the Psych NP to discuss my meds. I don't want the meds to be wrong again. I want them to be magical. When the hell is someone going to come up with pharmaceuticals that automatically adjust themselves to work perfectly with the physiology of the person taking them? Trial and error and error and error and error seems like a really stupid system. I'm just saying.
I thought I had already told Spouse that I was not doing well--although apparently not in so many words. Still, I follow the advice of the OFP. She hasn't steered me wrong. (Which is part of what makes me twitchy when I think about her retirement. She actually added a slot on her schedule so she could fit me in--but I think I need to have her help me find a decent replacement. Which sucks.) His remark was that it seemed to come on suddenly and then just stay. Like an unwelcome guest.
I still want a personal assistant. One who can screen my calls and manage my calendar and actually return calls for me. What's funny is that I could totally do these things for someone else. That could be my job. Not a problem. I am just paralyzed at the thought of doing any of these things for myself at the minute.
Quaker, teacher, parent,