So, you know how it is when you are going to go see someone that you haven't seen for 20 years and you suddenly think...
Oh crap. What if they don't remember me. What if they do remember me and they don't like me. What if I don't like them. What if they aren't who I thought they were and turn out to be someone horrible that I can't stand. What if they have changed through some odd connection with a fundamentalist sect of AOL users who insist upon distributing old CDs door to door... What if this whole things was a terrible mistake.
And on top of that the last time you saw this person you were 100 pounds lighter? And of course 20 years younger. (I don't get so much hung up on the age crap, though. Time is fake, after all.)
After really looking forward to meeting with the Once and Future Psychologist, I sort of freaked out.
Beginning with last night in my sleep.
While not really awake, I somehow decided that Spouse was attempting to push me out of bed with his sharp elbows and intermittant snores. Like it was deliberate and malicious. (He was sound asleep... and not in a malicious way.)
So I slept on the floor.
It seemed logical at the time. But I must say, that if you are side-sleeper I cannot recommend a hardwood floor. At least I brought my pillow with me. And I happened to have a coughing fit when Spouse was about to step on me in the morning, so bonus that I didn't get squashed.
It is likely that I did not have a lot of quality sleep last night.
Then I spent the 3 hours of 3yo preschool class wandering aimlessly around a thrift store with a clay-faced resolve. Feeling anxious and unfeeling at the same time. No smiles. Nameless creeping dread.
The actual meeting with her was good. Once and Future Psychologist (OFP) did not instantly remember or recognize me, but with very little prompting she did recall Spouse's name and made mention of details of my college entrance essay. So I think she probably did have some recollection of me.
She suggested that I should maybe schedule with her more often than once every twenty years.
Now I am back to feeling a little overswhelmed/anxious/tired and flat. I do NOT feel like a failed anorexic, which was one of my fears in going back to the person who was once my eating disorders group leader.
I told her what I have repeatedly told other people (including myself): I would much rather be heavier than recommended and have a personality than be anorexic again. And I think that with the new mental health initiative I may just naturally fall into healthier habits. We'll see.
I accidentally forgot the names of my medicaitons while talking to the OFP I mislabled my mood stabilizer as sertraline. This is not true. She was trying to figure out what quack would proscribe 3 different anti-depressants-- two of which were SSRIs!!!
I am scheduled to see the OFP in a month. She okayed my plan to get one bag of stuff out of the house each day. (But that there was no reason that my friend had to have the same goal. Which is a good point. And I'm not sure I was thinking about that.)
Today I want to repaird the dryer. I will do this when Spouse is home.
I suppose my recent viral illness could have some bearing on this wiggly mood. Wiggly bad. Wiggly down. But not plummetting. Not permanent. Not long term. Just a bit wigglier on the way down than I would like.
Grateful Crap: transience (not to be confused with transients)
150mg venlafaxine 450mg bupropion 50mg LAMOTRIGINE (the mood stabilizer)
briefly saw a friend
blah. blah. blah.
Quaker, teacher, parent,