Here's what is supposed to have happened... I was supposed to have taken 1/2 dose of escitalopram for 4 days starting 5 days ago. Instead I just stopped at the same time that I stopped the lurasidone.
What I did correctly: stop lurasidone and up the amount of my lamotrigine from 200-250 mg. This will go on for 14 days total before progressing to 300mg lamotrigine. The literature says that doses above 200 don't get you anything more than the 200 does, but Psych NP has found differently in her practice depending on the person and how they metabolize/react with the drug.
I have been on higher doses before. I have put myself on higher doses before. I don't remember if it worked. I know Psych NP has notes on all this stuff. But the notes are long and complicated and I don't have copies of them. Maybe I should ask for copies of them. I can, right?
Today I started crying into my ears... okay I started crying while lying down and I thought it would be fun to see if I could aim the teardrops at my ears. It only worked on one side, which was deeply disappointing.
This prompted Spouse to ask if I had followed the directions on my medication change. Which he had reminded me to write down immediately after my appointment AND to set up an alert on my phone AND appropriately fill pill minder.
Now that I just have the one drug I'm not doing the pill minder... but I did set the calendar alert for when I start the 300 mg. (December 2 I think. It's a Tuesday.) And I do have the instructions written on a scrap of paper inside a paper bag holding additional samples of lurasidone that I am saving for a rainy day next to the surplus cutting boards and dried fruit.
Why was I crying? That's probably why Spouse asked about the meds. It was because he pointed out that we need to do a better job of checking in with elderboy with respect to staying on top of his homework. Which made me want to hide under my bed (which I can't because there is no under). Instead I pulled the covers up over my head.
Elderboy went to a friend's house and they have a cat that is very friendly but basically just lives in a box with a little hole cut out. It comes out to eat and use the litterbox, but other than that it is cocooned away in its cozy cardboard shell.
That's what I feel like. I hole up in my room and surround myself in darkness. And come out only for necessities. And work.
I imagined today as people came in to Quaker meeting that in Quakerspeak we all carry the Light Within. For the theists they talk about "that of god" within everyone. We'll go with light for this metaphor.
So it is important, because of this, that we worship in community because we all only have a bit of light and when we come together we can share and it gets brighter. But then I imagined too-large meetings or too-big crowd and thought of being blinded.
NOT THAT MUCH LIGHT!
And imagine that in my dark room there is just a little flicker. And it's all the light I think I can handle. But it probably isn't. Just that my eyes are used to the darkness so any increase in light seems blinding.
A Friend wants me to remind her to talk to me about her son going off meds. I'll try. I ran out after meeting today without talking to anyone. Because I was crabby...
Two people's phones made noises during worship, which is a huge pet peeve of mine.
And there was someone sitting next to me with heavily scented Tibetan prayer beads which were activating my asthma. And we are supposed to have a "scent free" meetinghouse. But I'm too Minnesotan to know how to address the issue. I like this person and she will likely sit by me again next time.
Spouse mentioned that he came across some quiz that could tell where you were from based on your answer to this question: What would you do if someone stepped on your foot.
Funny because I was thinking to myself, "If only I could have an asthma attack that would clear up the issue quite nicely..." but I didn't. So now I will have to shove her. *sigh*
I need help. (Like how a buried the lead here?)
Having been largely uninvolved in my life for the past many weeks/months... everything is a disaster and I am overwhelmed at trying to figure out where to start. So the temptation is just not to start. (And while amazing, Spouse can't possibly keep up with the chaos provided by the children and mostly me.)
So, I need help.
What help do I need? People who will come to my house some times between 4:00 and 5:30 and sit and drink tea so I will do things. They don't need to help sort or declutter or clean. They just need to be present so that I can't go back in my box.
They just need to provide a little light.
Quaker, teacher, parent,