I felt better this morning sort of. Things seemed a little less foggy. Crisper. When I was driving this morning it felt like I just got a new prescription for my glasses. So the fog wasn't so bad, at least early on.
I still felt removed from my emotional reactions. I laughed at appropriate times and made other appropriate facial expressions. But it felt kind of programmed.
I saw a tree today (not the one pictured at left) that looked healthy on the lower branches so if you were standing underneath it seemed fine. But from a distance you could see that all the limbs at the top were bare of leaves and bark. It was putting on a good show, but things weren't as rosy as they seemed.
As the day progressed I felt less and less good. More fuddled. More distant. I got lost going to rehearsal tonight. I have been going to the same place for rehearsal every Thursday for... ever.
Went on auto-pilot. Started driving someplace else. Forgot what I was doing for a while. What day it was.
I know this happens to me and other people even when they are not Depressed. But it brought me back to similar experiences that happened very frequently in high school prior to receiving treatment for my Depression.
I was driving home from a gig-- some holiday thing at a church I think. And I asked if a friend could drive to my house so I could follow him home. Really? Yes. Because I couldn't remember where to turn. I was afraid of getting lost. But if I was following his car, then no problem. He thought I was joking. Or that our existentialism teacher had put me up to this. Which is a pretty strange thought.
This following people was one of my weird adaptive behaviors to deal with my untreated Depression. So the getting lost in thoughts and lost on my familiar trip felt eerily familiar. And I likely invested the incident with too much importance.
My communicating with people or lack thereof continues to be a great source of stress. I dated someone once who blamed me for ignoring him if I did not notice his presence in a crowded room within some arbitrary period of time. Because it proved that I didn't care about him. And I would hear about it for a long time afterwards. My primary job was to wait expectantly for his presence and to sense it immediately. Those were some dark days. I am feeling just as on edge now about my electronic communication. i am not noticing people in the room fast enough.
Also, it turns out that beating yourself up over past failings is not actually good aerobic exercise.
I did yoga today with a fantastic instructor. Very much a connect with the moment and honor your body and be gentle with yourself. It was fantastic. Exactly what I needed. Although I did get very hot and sweaty (unusual for fitness yoga in an air conditioned room), and I had trouble slowing my breathing down.
I think I need to start taking my inhalers regularly. It will make it easier to tell if breathing difficulties are related to anxiety or asthma. Still hooked the oxygen. Can't quite get enough of it.
Tomorrow I must pick up the refill for my prescription. I also start volunteering with an early childhood class with some of my favorite teachers, which I am super excited about.
Grateful Crap: the transient nature of bad moments, and the ability to remember that they are transient.
took meds (150mg sertraline, 450 mg bupropion) but not until 6pm. I need to remember earlier. I think it is better.
did 25 minutes on elliptical trainer
did 1 hour of yoga
remembered to pack my lunch
Quaker, teacher, parent,