At Quaker meeting today I did not have a need to rise and speak or sing. And it was a very calm experience.
Amazing what an hour of silence can do when not accompanied by heart palpitations and the shakes and this unexplainable something... a need to rise. Or else,
None of that today.
And it’s not uncommon to sit without a message, but I have been pretty vocal lately.
To the point where I worried people might doubt that my vocal ministry was spirit led and not just ego.
Then had an uncomfortable conversation a while ago in which it felt like I was being given performance review on the quality of my message.
Which to be clear was not my choice.
I don’t get how it works or why, but when I rise I am not deciding what to say or sing. It’s already been decided. The subconscious at the wheel. Spirit driving the bus.
Still this conversation made me doubt. What if my voice is just my voice and nothing more.
What if the prompts for vocal ministry are a symptom of my bipolar disorder? Lots of people who think they are talking to gods turn out to be mentally ill.
I don’t even believe in god and can’t explain why or how messages are delivered. Faith is not tidy.
What if the physiological signs of having a message are just caused by extra toxic cortisol from bipolar anxiety.
What if when I listen for the small still voice there is nothing to hear?
Suddenly the lack of messages seems less peaceful.
When I am properly treated will that mean the end of all songs? What will happen then?
Quaker, teacher, parent,