People are really complicated. They can't just be straightforward. There isn't ever just one reason why they do things. And sometimes metacognition just leads you around in a circle like a dog tail chase.
Trying to tease out when my behaviors are related to Depression, when they are characteristics of my temperament and when they are some other blip is not easy and may not be worthwhile.
And because my subconscious has way more control over what I do than I would like to admit (yours does too-- nothing special about me) any attempt to rationally explain my behavior or my decisions is doomed to fail.
In fact the more I try to figure out what motivates this thing or that, the more I feel like someone doing a really bad job of literary criticism. Ascribing motives to the author that never existed...
...the wolf represents the fears that the mother pig has when she sends her piglets off into the wide world to fend for themselves. The straw of the first pig's house lets the reader know that he will give way easily at the first sign of difficulty as straw bends in the wind. So the first puff of wind, the first hint of danger, and the mother pig's fears are realized...
And I guess false innter knowledge is the problem I had with most therapists that I saw as an adolescent. They wanted to ascribe all kinds of motivations to my behavior based on some archetype in a psychology text. Only I was me, and not an archetype. And I didn't respond well to being literarily criticized. Who does?
It helped me to know the typical pitfalls of people in similar situations. It helped me in my recovery process when I was in treatment for an eating disorder to know that most girls with eating disorders are highly competitive and in groups will often compete to see who can be the sickest. Armed with that knowledge I decided to compete to see if I could get better fastest.
It helps to know that other people who have had major Depressive episodes have lived to tell the tale and can have long stretches of a basically normal life. It helps to know that people I know, love, and admire have worked their way through this crap. It helps to know that I am also one of those people. Working through the crap.
I still have not listened to the 12 voicemail messages on my phone. I am hoping that they will just go away. Or that maybe they were all wrong numbers or pocket dials.
Grateful Crap: not having a sharp broken tooth cutting my cheek and tongue. This has dramatically improved my quality of life.
took meds in the morning
went to the Y
went up and down 4 flights of stairs twice (because I forgot my keys on the fourth floor)
Things I still need to implement: tracking of exercise, sleep and food.
Quaker, teacher, parent,