I got pretty good at noticing the signs of my Depressive mood episodes before things got really bad. I have not gotten so good at noticing signs of hypomanic mood episodes because it has been less than a year since I labeled these bursts of frenetic/irritable energy "hypomanic."
I used to just kind of rejoice that I was no longer completely bereft of energy and could finally get things done. Only the energy wouldn't last and even if it did, my mood went clear past happy and energized to single-minded and IRRITABLE.
Today I was zonked out-- totally bone-meltingly tired. I wanted to take a nap in the public library while waiting for my daughter. But I'm pretty sure they don't like that. Managed to snag a nap in which I was DEEPLY asleep this afternoon.
But I had no ability to deal with anyone else's emotional crap.
Daughter screamed in the car for twenty minutes because she didn't have a stuffed animal to play with. 12yo stomped around being angry and he and I were quietly yelly at one another over some trivial issue.
I called Spouse to mediate because I couldn't see my way clear... did not know if I was being unreasonable. The verdict? We were both overreacting. Which is true. (But I still think I was right.)
This was followed immediately by 9yo having complete nuclear meltdown because his homework was too hard.
If I were Understanding Parent, I might have given him a hug until he calmed down. I might have asked him what was wrong. I might have asked if he wanted to have a cup of tea...
But I was Cynical Impatient Parent, and I knew that whatever I did would just make the situation worse. So I yelled at him to go outside or to his room until he calmed down.
The escalated into the throwing of things at a closed door (not on my part).
(probably not-important background information)
Last night due to a planning fail we popped a bunch of popcorn and had that and some fruit and some cheese for dinner. This was fine. But I still felt not good about the whole thing.
After not dealing with everyone else's emotional crap, I set about making dinner. Which I decided was going to be this very involved cook-at-the-table Chinese hot-pot meal involving noodles, corn, sweet potato, beets, snow peas, carrots, onion, mushrooms, tofu, spinach and cabbage.
Which I sliced thin with a mandolin and then arranged the vegetables with great attention to detail. I rearranged them several times actually, because I didn't like the look of the purple snow peas against the bright orange of the sweet potatoes. And I couldn't tell if the carrots wanted to lay around like the peas or if they really preferred to be upright with the mushrooms.
Any mention (positive or negative) about what I was doing or what I had done seemed loaded with hidden meaning. Also, it became clear to me that I was doing this ridiculously involved meal as a penance for popcorn the night before.
Spouse asked if I was fine and I said yes very quickly, but mostly because I was irritated that he was asking me things and I had to pull pots out of the cupboard and nothing was turning out the way I wanted and for god's sake WHY DOES THAT FOUR YEAR OLD KEEP COMING IN HERE TO SHOW ME THINGS? (Which I did not say. But in the absence of Spouse I am pretty sure that my requests for her to leave the kitchen while I was preparing dinner would have escalated into petty meanness.
Not surprisingly, Spouse did not buy the whole "I'm fine" crap and helped me slow down a bit.
That was a little mini aha moment for me. That the zizzing brain stuff on Saturday and the speedy/irritated dinner prep tonight (combined with low tolerance for people I love) can be precursors of a hypomanic mood episode OR if I recognize the early symptoms I can take some preventive measures to help limit the duration of or fallout from hypomanic crap.
Mostly this: SLOW DOWN!!!!
Writing this I am not hypomanic. But with very little provocation I am sure that I could be.
P.S. I made 12yo hold an eraser while he was eating with a spoon this morning so he would hold the utensil properly. This day was just filled with little moments that made me wonder how much of my eccentric behavior can be explained away by my mental illness. Maybe not much. Because I am pretty sure I have always been an eccentric old woman living in a younger person's body.
I feel the need... the need to bead.
Clearly there will be no taking myself seriously for the rest of the night so I may as well just sign off.
Grateful Crap: Spouse. Have I mentioned that I am quite fond of him?
took meds (although realized that I should not think about how I swallow pills while swallowing)
70mg venlafaxine, 450mg bupropion, 200mg lamotrigine
ate lots of vegetables
looked at to do list and checked things off
Quaker, teacher, parent,