I feel like I am back a few months in my recovery today. Not really, but I don't have a nice optimistic energetic Pollyanna feeling this morning. Okay, so I never have that kind of feeling in the morning.
But I didn't get enough sleep last night and I was 2 days without one of my medications and I spent minutes of my life that I will never get back worrying fruitlessly over the state of my various friendships as a result of my long-standing neglect of said friendships.
And then I remembered that the people I am friends with are nice. That is why they are my friends. And if there are people who don't want to have anything to do with me now that I am capable of more human interactions... well, that frees up more time for me to spend with the ones who do want to spend time with me.
And also, I will remember that just as I don't want people to read negatively into the fact that I was in my own little hermitage for a while, I should not make up the reasons for any real or imagined distances in any of my friendships. We all have our own crap, whatever that crap may be.
Really I am experiencing a slight down moment (not a whole bad day) because I have just spent most of the morning yelling. At my children. To stop yelling at one another.
In my family there is an idiomatic expression used when someone's behavior is tragically ironic. Or blatantly hypocritical. We use the phrase "chicken bone incident."
This invokes a family story in which I was babysitting for my brothers. I was a somewhat tyrannical babysitter. They were safe, but they were not happy under my care.
One particular evening we were having chicken for dinner. My youngest brother refused to hold his fork the right way even though I asked him very nicely. Several times. So after my continued pleas had no impact on his appalling table manners I threw a chicken bone at his head. I missed and left a big greasy spot on the wall.
I will now go make myself some tea, take my medications (but not with hot water because that may or may not dissolve my extended release tablets and give me too much medicine now and not enough later), and maybe shoot a few pictures.
Photography has been a good obsession as opposed to knitting, beading and sewing because it gets me out. It gets me moving. I like to see me using my powers for good instead of evil. I guess it is more properly compulsive behavior.
My tendency to swap one compulsive behavior for another is a big part of the reason that I have never done illicit drugs or become drunk. I know that I have an addictive personality. I would rather be hooked on photography. With a digital camera and no developing costs it is a cheap addiction.
Okay. Now I really am going to take meds and make tea. Ta.
Grateful Crap: children who are learning coping mechanisms to deal with anger and anxiety, the feel of the keys beneath my fingers as I type, Amazon.com who will deliver my final adapter today, a big truck to take yard crap to the yard crap station
Quaker, teacher, parent,