I am super stressed out right now. Why? There is no because. It just is. Nameless creeping dread. I have been having unpleasant dreams that stay with me for only a few moments upon waking. Dreams of forgetting things or doing something poorly. Dreams that I am disappointing people around me.
I feel something on the weepy side. A bit Down. I wonder if stopping the lurasidone was a bad plan. I don't like the idea of medicating my moods. Hello! Because what I have is a mood disorder, I kind of am trying to medicate my moods.
In college I met someone who thought that you should do whatever you needed to do in order to be happy. If that meant taking drugs or whatever that meant that was the good and right thing to do. So is it supposed to be my goal? Medicate myself into happiness? I don't think so.
I found out that someone I know is in hospice right now. I do not know her well and she is surrounded by loving people who do know her well. She is connected to a caring family and community. I feel guilty that I am not more connected in real life to people. But the idea makes me panic. So, I'm sorry people.
Today in Quaker meeting I got all weepy as I was watching leaves fall off of the trees. I realized I was imagining myself as one of those leaves, dead and cast off from the tree.
Then I thought of myself as the tree instead. That I could let go of these things that I no longer need so that I can be ready for things to come.
I am feeling very nervous about being around people right now. Petrified at the thought of interacting with strangers. NOT a good time to talk to me about making plans to interact with people or meet people that I don't know. Except that it is also not a good time for me to self-advocate. Pressured to offer a reason for my refusal, I can't come up with a good enough excuse.
There is no because.
Quaker, teacher, parent,