I had all kinds of other s words that I was going to use. None of them vulgar or anything. Seratonin, SSRIs, socializing... simplicity.
And simple. Apparently when your brain is a chaotic place (and this chaos need not be related to bipolar), having the physical space chaotic MAKES THINGS MUCH WORSE. Along with eating well, exercising and getting enough sleep, having a tidy home seems like such an easy answer. A quick fix. A "cure" for the fidgety bipolar brain. And of course nothing is really that simple.
Tangent: I was thinking the other day of something that a friend pointed out to me some time ago. She said that I do better when I am seeing people socially. And there certainly is something to that. Even when I am not feeling social, if I force myself to interact with people I like there can certainly be an improvement in my mood and overall functioning. And I think usually this is the case.
But sometimes there are things that "I do better when..." that are just symptoms of my actually being better.
You seem to do better when you prepare for classes long in advance.
You seem to do better when you make sure you have clean clothes for the week.
You seem to do better when you get enough sleep.
And sometimes they are things that it seems I just CANNOT POSSIBLY DO. And sometimes I really cannot do them. And sometimes I am just being whiny and self-pitying. And I'm the only one who can tell the difference.
Regardless, it probably doesn't matter if it is a chicken or egg thing. It is probably good to remember all the things that I do when I am doing well. And then just start doing some of them even if it seems hard (read: impossible).
I thought about this for a while: what if bipolar episodes were more like a physical injury. Like a broken bone. And people would say that your leg seemed to be doing much better when you could walk up and down the stairs without a cast on. Or you your leg seemed to be doing much better when you weren't using crutches. And in those cases, removing the cast and crutches would not ACTUALLY help the leg to heal.
Back to the whole simplicity thing now:
Unfortunately, a wildly overactive and messy brain does not lend itself well to making sense from chaos. And so I have employed my bosses to help out.
Simplicity is a central message of the Quaker faith. And everyone interprets it in different ways. But it is something that has appealed to me since before becoming Quaker. But it is not easily done.
As I am going through the (even slower than I thought it was going to be) process of cutting back on the crap and clutter-- I see evidence of past and future hardships with respect to simplifying things.
Last week I went through one set of cupboards with a friend. I got rid of many things that were broken, missing parts, no one liked, and things that made you say, "Dear lord what is that thing?!??" That was easy. That was just the physical labor of removing item from shelf and placing said item in box for the Goodwill.
The hard part came in the form of REALLY COOL things that I always meant to use, or that I used once ten years ago and hope to one day use again. Or things that are very lovely and I got as gifts and doesn't that mean I need to keep them? Or things that my grandmother would have thought were a necessity in a kitchen so even though I never use it I really ought to hold on to said widget.
The price of having a simple home, a space that is ABLE to be clean (because things can actually be put away) is sacrificing unused items and letting them move on to someone who will use them.
But I must say... the places that have gone through the bossy friend declutter tactic have remained under control (not perfect, mind you, but functional). And the sacrifices are worth the results if I can slowly let the chaos creep out of this space.
Now comes the part where I remember that I have three children. And me. And chaos will follow wherever we go. Don't worry. I am not planning to have a home that could ever be featured in some home and garden magazine. I just want one that can feel like a calm space from time to time.
took meds (need to renew lamotrigine. Ran out last night. Pharmacy closed for the day? CRAP. Calling now.)
450mg bupropion, 200mg lamotrigine
been seeing my acupuncturist
need to schedule appointments with OFP, with person to evaluate me for ADD and for older son.
Quaker, teacher, parent,