In the summers I don't get out of bed for hours and hours. My children spend too much time on the computer. I always think I should go outside more often. But I don't. I should make my children practice piano/go outside/help around house etc. But I don't. I should make actual meals for myself and others. But I don't. I have no energy or inclination to do anything. I hate leaving the house. I don't want to see people or talk to them. If I see people or talk to them they will want to know what/how I am doing and I'd rather not reflect on that. Not that I'm doing poorly. I'm just not working right now and if they are I'll feel like I should be accomplishing Great Things. What else am I supposed to do with my time? Great Things. Not this. I don't realize how much time has passed until Spouse comes back from work. EXCEPT This summer Spouse is not at work. Work is here. And my isolation--while something that I typically enjoy (?) require (?) dunno... Anyway, this isolation is being foisted on everyone because of covid. And I would HATE IT if I were alone in my house. Honestly. I just need to be alone in my house while other people are nebulously here elsewhere. And then I need to see them. But only my people. Nobody else. I'm not an actual hermit. I just have a very small social circle. You may have realized this if you are one of the millions of people that I never see. Remember it's not that I don't like you. I like person, I don't like people. And the thought of getting myself together enough to be able to be presentable and not look like a total mess is exhausting even if I love you to pieces. Which I probably do. I mean, I love a lot of y'all. Feel that from afar. And I'm sorry I'm not more demonstrative. It's just kinda hard for me right now. And a lot of the time, I guess. Sorry. I miss my students less now. Because I don't need to miss them in the summer. I am used to not seeing them. Funny. I thought I'd miss them more and more as time went on. Nope. Of course, in the fall when everything sucks and I don't get to greet them in person for the new school year I'm pretty sure that is going to wreck me big time. I'll have to plan for that. In hand news... I am still experiencing numbness in my pinky and ring finger left hand. I need to have an EMG/nerve conduction study. Not too excited about that. It has gotten better. Just not gone. I hate it. VERY glad that work is covering this. I thought it was just gonna be a little annoying for a few weeks and go away. Not that it would be somewhat debilitating for months. I mean, I can use the things now. Just have to be careful. When I went out and did a bunch of weeding in the garden my hands ached for A LONG TIME. I have very very wimpy hands. Tendons seldom happy. I got a new computer for the first time in forever. I'd been using a cheap chrome book for the last 4 years or so. Splurged and got a grown-up computer. It's so nice. Here is what my new computer's predictive text thinks I want to say: "The new version of this is a good game but I think the new one was the first one I got." The tree in front of our house needs to come down. It's an old maple tree and about half of it flopped over on to our roof. Which is not ideal. I continue to work on my creative writing stuff. I'm doing a lot more editing of my first YA novel that I "finished" last year. I queried a handful of agents and then decided to work on it some more before trying to put it out in the world. My Open Novella Competition novel on Wattpad made it to the shortlist (I think it's like 60 stories down from thousands) so that's cool. I continue to be a diehard BTS stan. My bias is Jimin and V is my bias wrecker. See how I just used a bunch of K-pop lingo. Yeah, I'm so cool like that. I will now NOT gush over how much I like their music and what it means to me. See? Such restraint. There was no graduation ceremony at my school this year. But I did get invited to one student's graduation celebration. And I literally couldn't not go. I've been his teacher for all five years that I've been teaching at my school. I had to go. (Even though I hadn't even seen my own parents-- but that's also because I'm a Bad Daughter.) I figured that the risks were acceptable. There was unlikely to be anyone over the age of 60. Plus the chances that I have covid are very very very slim (given my hermit-like existence). And I figured that nobody was going to come within 6 feet of the blue-haired white lady. Correct. Plus he texted me three times to make sure that I was gonna be there. It was a perfect way-- as perfect as possible-- to end a crappy school year. I only saw a handful of kids that I knew. And only 2 of them who go to my school. But it wasn't trying to be a graduation ceremony so it didn't feel fake. And it made me happy that he wanted me there. Maybe this summer for a while when people ask me how I am doing I will stop talking only about my students. How am I doing? Okay. Getting outside most days. Not too sunk in Depression. Don't think. Certainly not manic. And... this was followed by me going for an accidental-on-purpose 3 hour long walk and getting nothing else done. I was in a foul mood. I just wanted to walk forever. But instead I walked until Dairy Queen and then came home. In a kind of round-about fashion. I'm not gonna walk tomorrow. Comments are closed.
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K. BuchananQuaker, teacher, parent, |